I love Thanksgiving, not only for the food, family, and football, but for the corny part where we go around the table and ask each person to share what they are thankful for.  It always makes me feel good to hear people acknowledge and appreciate the gifts we might ordinarily take for granted and makes me more mindful of things I might overlook.  As positive psychology research shows, this exercise of thankfulness is one we should definitely do more than once a year.  It turns out, expressing gratitude is a powerful tool to improve our sense of well being and to decrease depression and anxiety.  This weeks post will explore the benefits of a gratitude list (made famous by Oprah, who else), but will also propose a challenge to kick your gratitude up a notch for maximum impact!

Our brains have been wired to scan the environment for potential threat.  Therefore, in this modern world, where threats seem to be a continuous experience (a facebook post where you see you were excluded or an e-mail from your boss) rather than a one time predator, we can spend most of our day piling on worrisome layers.  We then reinforce the neural loop pathways for negativity and this can lead to depression and anxiety that really affects our quality of life.  The antidote?  We need to train our brain to find the good, balancing our world view of danger.  The gratitude list is one such tool, highlighted in the work of positive psychologists looking for simple ways to increase life satisfaction and happiness.  As many of you know, by simply listing three to five things each day that you feel grateful for you can significantly make a difference in your mental health.

But do you want to really feel the gratitude?  Martin Seligman, in his research on positive psychology, had a gratitude task so powerful, the effects lasted for over a month! (Compare that to your after dinner cocktail or piece of pumpkin pie).  It is called the Gratitude Visit.  First start by thinking of someone in your life who made a real difference to you but whom you never had the time or perspective to thank.  It is best if this is someone who lives near enough to you so that you can visit them.  Then, write a letter, of at least 300 words, expressing what, in detail, they did specifically that made a difference in your life, and how this mattered to you.  Then call them up and ask if you can come by.  Don’t tell them why until you are there in person, and then read them the letter.  It is quite a powerful experience and will make you feel, oh, so good.  If you can’t visit, at least make a time to read it over the phone.  (Mail or e-mail is not as good, as it limits the connection and contact.)

Kent State Professor, Steve Toepfer, replicated Seligman’s findings.  He reports that his participants “experienced enhanced levels of life satisfaction and happiness, as well as decreased symptoms of depression.”  Not only did participants feel better about life in general, but they felt a much stronger sense of social connection and decreased isolation.

So as the holiday season rolls forward and the days get shorter, try a new holiday tradition that costs you little and brings you a lot.  Write a letter and share it with someone deserving.  Your good feeling should last you into the New Year!

***Note:  While today is Cyber Monday, don’t forget about GIVING TUESDAY.  It is a fairly new tradition and a global movement fueled by social media.  You can give of your time, money, or other donations.  Last year, 700,000 people from 70 countries donated $116,000,000 worldwide.  Please, check it out:   www.givingtuesday.org  or   #GivingTuesday

I have to be honest, like a lot of people, it’s been a very hard couple of weeks for me.  As I woke up the morning after the election, I couldn’t get a memory out of my head.  It was several years ago and I was standing in the first few rooms of Yad Vashem, the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Israel.  The walls were filled with articles and images of the early Nazi propaganda, blaming and scapegoating for the economic and social problems of Germany.  I kept thinking of the similarities with the slogans and chants and “ideas” of the current President elect, heart sick that our country would affirm him, let alone his ideas as “solutions” to our country’s problems.  At the same time this past week at the Health Center where I work, my patients were stressed and scared, worrying about a range of consequences from a family member being taken away to losing their health care in the middle of treatment, from the loss of their safety to the loss of their dignity.  The overall reality that our beloved country, which prides itself on freedom and human rights, could affirm such an attitude has made many of us collectively depressed.  So I have been thinking, feeling, and reading, and am writing this week’s post about what I can do to feel better.

I understand the fear and and anger that underlies the need to bully and scapegoat on an intimate level.  I worked as the Director of a domestic violence treatment program and I have sat with and talked for hours with people who abused their children or their partners.  I was able to find compassion for them when I saw the fear underneath the anger and the hurt and feelings of powerlessness that were so intolerable it led to aggressive behavior.  Most often, at some time and place, they were helpless victims, too, and never wanted to feel that powerless again.  Once they could understand this, blaming faded away, self awareness and compassion emerged and healing could actually begin.

In the short term it feels so much better to yell “build a wall”, shout “lock her up” and think that our lives would improve if we could claim our status as better and more powerful than someone else.  But in the long term it erodes our ability to love, to have connection, and to trust one another.  We project and reject our own vulnerability when we hate, blame, and scapegoat.  It never actually changes the reality of our situation, it only provides a false sense of power.  And it the long run, it breeds more hate and and fear as we worry that someone else may do the same to us.

Social scientists who have been exploring the effects of this election cycle have noted a significant erosion in social trust, which is our faith in humanity and the well being not just of yourself, but of everyone around you.  Moral distress does not respond to our usual stress reduction techniques (as many of us can attest) but requires a particular set of actions based in moral courage, moral elevation, and compassion.  One thing we need to watch out for is our feeling that because it is such a big problem, nothing we do will matter (the fancy term for this is “psuedoinsufficiency”).  You don’t have to do it all to matter. While our social problems are bigger than you, they also need you.  Moral courage involves believing in collective participation, and this means each of us doing something – write a letter, make a donation, sign a petition, any action helps.

Next, look for the good, also known as moral elevation.  When we witness acts of virtue we restore balance, promoting feelings of awe and gratitude.  When we look for the good, we actually can find it, even in the most uncommon of places.  Research shows this can actually reduce anxiety, loneliness, and increase social trust.  And if you feel up to it, simply by doing a small act of kindness, such as letting someone go ahead of you in line or asking if someone is all right if you see them stumble, you not only make yourself feel good, but it has a significant impact on other people’s sense of social trust.  Research shows that small gestures can have a very long and large impact in helping us feel safer and more connected to one another.

To those who did not vote for our President Elect, please don’t fall into helplessness.  Do things to counter the actions and expressions with which you disagree.  For those of you I have heard say, “I voted for Trump even though I don’t agree with what he says”, I implore you to hold to that.  Don’t be passive either. Hold him accountable for what you agree with and what you disagree with.  You need to act, too.  Let him know that you voted against Hillary (as many say) and not for racism and sexism and bigotry.  Our country needs us at this time of disconnection and fear. When we belittle and degrade, we hurt our collective good and erode the beauty and transcendence of our common humanity.  When we distrust, our physical and mental health suffer, and when we love, we are happier and healthier, not only as individuals, but as neighbors and citizens in these United States.

Do you have a big presentation, performance, or a difficult conversation coming up that is making you nervous?  I came across a quick method that research shows can actually help you feel more confident, and the crazy thing is, it only takes two minutes.  No, it’s not a drug or a drink, but it does quickly change your body’s chemistry, simply by altering how you are sitting or standing,

Researchers from Harvard University (so it must be true) the University of Washington, and the University of Oregon, and many other institutions have uncovered an interesting phenomenon about our hormones.  Higher levels of testosterone (in both men and women) lead to increased feelings of confidence, while lower levels of cortisol lead to decreased feelings of anxiety and an improved ability to deal with stress.  These hormones, it turns out, are particularly sensitive and fluctuate rapidly depending on your social, physical, and environmental circumstances.  One of the things that researchers found that can rapidly affect testosterone and cortisol levels is simply your body posture.  

Amy Cuddy, a researcher at Harvard, classified different body positions as either high power or low power poses.  High power poses were open and relaxed (wonder woman) and low power poses were guarded and closed up.  She measured testosterone and cortisol levels through saliva samples in research subjects before and after they took either the high power or low power pose for two minutes.  What she found was pretty remarkable.  The subjects holding the high power pose had an increase in testosterone of  20 percent and a decrease of cortisol of 25 percent.  The subjects in the low power poses had the exact opposite result, decreasing testosterone and increasing cortisol.  She put this further to the test by having subjects do either of the poses before or after a mock job interview.  Not only did the high power pose subjects feel more confident in the interview, but they were more likely to be selected as rated by the interviewers.

Behaviors and emotions are closely linked.  Notice that when we’re afraid, we tend to sit with our legs and/or arms crossed, hugging ourselves in a sense and pulling inward.  What this research suggests about body language is that we are reinforcing our fear by sitting in this closed position.  Just by standing up and opening up our posture we can influence our chemistry and our perceived sense of ourselves.  Notice that our most powerful leaders don’t merely think a certain way, but they carry themselves a certain way as well.

So, before your next challenging situation, take a moment, no sorry, actually two moments, to prepare yourself.  Put your hands on your hips, spread your legs apart, and keep your chin up.  Feel the power of the pose; take up space and expand your physical presence.  While you are at it, visualize yourself performing well and being relaxed throughout your challenge.  Bring your mind and your body together to boost your confidence, increase your stress tolerance, and be the best of you.

**For more information, check out Amy Cuddy’s 20 minute Ted Talk regarding her research on body language, hormone levels, and confidence.