Halloween offers the opportunity to dress up and pretend to be someone we’re not, just for the fun of it.  But what we don’t realize is that each of us in our daily lives also pretend to be someone we’re not. So I thought this would be a good week to write about the psychological concept of “the mask” and how we may use it both for our benefit and, at times, with considerable cost.

When we’re little we learn to mask our authentic self in order to please our parents and be compliant.  We avoid being shamed, scolded, rejected, or even hit by adopting a presentation of ourselves that is in line with what we feel is needed or expected.  Depending how strong the pressure from our family or community, we may get the message that our true self is not lovable or acceptable.  We become alienated from our authentic self, which can really interfere with our ability for true intimacy.  We wear our “good girl” mask or our “boys don’t cry” mask that covers over what we really feel and need.   Emotions that we tend to conceal are anger, disgust, anxiety, embarrassment, and sadness; all emotions that show and share our vulnerability, which is the foundation for real intimacy.

When we’re able to shed our masks, we come to learn that our true selves are indeed acceptable and our uniqueness is something to be cherished.  It frees up energy used to defend and cover ourselves to actually know ourselves and others better.  We also become more trustworthy because who we present to the world is more consistent with who we really are.

Once we become conscious of our masks, we can choose to use them when needed.  There are times when it helps to reach into our bag of disguises to fake-it-till-we-make-it.  It can be quite useful to have the “good mother” mask when we’re tired and have lost our patience.  And having the “tough as nails” mask or even the “be nice to authority” mask at hand can get us through some rough moments and difficult circumstances where we need to comply in order to persevere.

So as you parade around in costume this year, it might be fun to ask yourself what masks you will put down when the day is over and what masks might tend to stay.  Or maybe there is a new mask you can consider for a situation in which you need it.  Whatever masks you live with, what is important is to be able to distinguish the mask from who you really are underneath it.

So many of the people I work with, as well as my friends, tell me they’ve just plain forgotten how to have fun.  As our lives slowly fill up with increasingly heavy issues and responsibilities, we seem to lose the sense of what fun is and how to have it.  We find ourselves driving our kids to all of their fun activities, but we,ourselves, become a facilitator and not a participant.  Many people turn to alcohol as a way to lighten the mood, but this brings other complications and is just a way to mask our situation.  So in this week’s post I did a little digging around in the literature to see what I could find out about having fun again.

First, here are some ideas about what gets in the way of having fun so we can think about the barriers we face.  For many, we think we don’t have the time or the money to have fun.  We associate fun with doing something decadent or a big activity that takes time, savings, and planning.  But what we’ve forgotten is that fun can come in small doses.  Sometimes it’s just being in the moment with people we really enjoy.  Or we can take 15 minutes to half an hour of doing something we really love.  Another barrier is the feeling that to have fun, conditions need to be just right.  If we’re dealing with a parent’s illness or serious circumstance at work it’s easy to get pulled into a constant state of heaviness.  We confuse solemnity for seriousness.  And finally, we forget that being an adult, even an adult in charge, doesn’t mean we can’t go out on a limb and make a fool of ourselves every once in a while.  We are all quite capable of being silly at any age.

Children have fun because they are open to it.  I remember walking with my children amazed at how they found a good time everywhere around them.  The curb was a balance beam, the bug on the sidewalk was an amazing discovery, and the firetruck was a grand parade.  We are born with a complete understanding of how to have fun, but somehow, we unlearn it.  Children have fun because they feel the permission to be spontaneous. Fun is more of a perspective than an activity.  So, as an adult, we must retrain ourselves to know what we once knew.

One helpful practice that children can do so easily is to take time to be fully where you are.  Adults tend to be thinking about things we need to do or to be looking at our phones to answer e-mails.  Try at least once a day to stop, breath, and take in all the sights, smells, and sounds around you.  By doing so, you’re much more likely to notice something right in front of you that’s downright funny.  Another thing that kids do is try new activities.  They are constantly learning and being given the opportunities to be a beginner.  So we, too, should try something new just for the experience of it.  Take up a new hobby and be awful at it!  Cook a dish not for a dinner party, where you will be afraid if it comes out badly, but just to enjoy doing, even if the souffle drops or the cake slides off its layer.  My teen is great at DIY projects, mostly because she doesn’t care if it doesn’t turn out well.  It was just fun to try.  And sometimes the poor results are funnier than the good ones!

Being creative is a way to get in touch with our inner fun loving child. Build, paint, draw, make a sandcastle at the beach. Get dirty!  Nothing frees us up more than having sticky fingers or mud on your pant leg.  And find the beat, wherever you are.  Play Pandora while cooking, drum to the beat while driving, and find yourself an upbeat theme song.  Break the rules.  Every once in a while, go rogue.  Play a prank, get dinner out on a weeknight, or leave the Christmas lights up all year round, if you enjoy it.  As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, being a bit rebellious reminds us that we can break free when we need to.

If all of these still feel like too much, then just smile.  Children smile 400 times a day, the average adult smiles just 15.  (Yes, someone counted this).  Smiling releases hormones and brain chemicals that make us feel better.  People respond to us and reach out to us when we smile.  And if you can’t find even that bit of good humor, find awe.  Take a moment to see the beautiful color of the leaves in the Fall or follow ants to their ant trail.  Noticing the birds and the cloud formations can bring a sense of peace and a childlike sense of wonder.  Because on those days when we can’t muster the energy to have a little fun, perhaps we can still find a little joy.

I tend to be a broadcast junky, listening to political talk shows, the news, and even, as my family will attest, some pretty annoying sports talk radio.  It’s almost like an addiction, getting my fix of updates and opinions that raise my blood pressure and get me worked up.  But as the season changes and I think ahead to winter, the thought of holiday music makes me smile.  For some reason the sound of holiday cheer, however corny or predictable, lifts my mood. So with this week’s post I’m going to review how good music can be for us, in hopes of motivating me to tap my foot instead of clench my fist as the election approaches.

There is a huge body of research to support the psychological benefits of listening to music.  It reduces stress, increasing the activity of neurotransmitters and hormones involved in relaxation.  It has proven to be as effective as an hour long massage!  Music alters brain wave activities, creating the wave patterns similar to people who are meditating.  It can lift your mood and relieve symptoms of depression. (Although, sorry to say, heavy metal fans, your type of music actually made people more distressed).  Listening to music, especially without lyrics, helped people focus and improved cognitive performance including memory.  Especially for people prone to freezing up during high stress situations, listening to upbeat music prior  improved their performance (athletic as well as intellectual).  And for those of us prone to road rage?  Turn that dial and sing along to your favorite tune.  Listening to music while driving both increased mood and decreased the incidences of road rage.

And if that hasn’t sold you, how about the health effects?  There is an even more established body of research on the many health benefits of music.  Music eases the intensity of perceived pain and improves outcomes in chronic pain treatment.  It has been used effectively to treat insomnia and improves the quality of sleep.  It helps people stay calm pre and post surgery.  Soothing music has proven to increase blood flow in blood vessels and promote healing.  (Shout out to my dear friend who plays her harp in the cardiac intensive care unit.  The hospital is so sure of its role in patient care, it actually pays her for her time there.)  Playing soft music during a meal slows people down and causes them to eat less and upbeat fast tempo music helps people run faster and increases stamina during a work out.

Ok, have I convinced you or myself yet?  Maybe this is a bit abstract.  I just need to remember how good it makes me feel to turn up the dial and belt it out while in the shower or driving in my car. Suddenly, I’m not thinking about the bills or the to do list.  Instead, I’m born to run, partying like it’s 1999, and feeling it’s a wonderful world.  I never feel as good as that after the evening news!  Like talk, music is cheap, but it’s also good for your heart as well as your soul.

I was attending religious services to observe the Jewish New Year and was struck by some commentary at the bottom of a page containing a prayer for peace.  It pointed out that the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, is derived from a root word, slm, which actually means “whole” or “complete.”  The commentary went on to explain that this translation inferred a much more active meaning to the concept of peace.  Rather than being the absence of hostility or conflict, peace as wholeness involves an active process of coming together.

I loved this idea.  In order to create peace, the active sense of the word, it requires work.  Wholeness or completeness is only obtained by recognizing all voices and finding a resolution that incorporates both of the people or nations involved.  Peace as wholeness is not achieved by silencing a group or an opinion, rather true peace is created by incorporating needs and ideas. In this way, peace is inextricably linked to respect, fairness, and justice.  

I believe this is not only true for finding peace between peoples, but within ourselves.  Inner peace is a dynamic process, rarely achieved by cutting off your feelings or ideas or pretending you are a certain way only.  When we can open our tolerance to the full experiencing of our needs and fears, desires and dreads, we become more complete.  We have less anxiety and more self compassion.  We do not need to numb ourselves or uncontrollably act out what we attempt to deny.  We live more fully and authentically when we make peace between our own inner conflicts.

Peace obtained without wholeness rarely lasts.  Whenever I work with couples, the work doesn’t truly make progress until both partners feel heard and respected.  When one member feels overpowered or submits, the conflict will re-emerge in another form.  The same is true for inner peace.  Stuffing our anger or avoiding our pain only tends to reroute it.

So this holiday, as I say blessings for my loved ones and the country and world for true peace, I‘m thinking a little differently about it.  Rather than blessing them with it, I have to take more responsibility for it, offering more wholeness within my relationships and creating more completeness within my community.  And as our Presidential election approaches and with the country so divided, I will not only need to pray for peace, but reach out to the “other side” to create it.

Last year I attended an intensive training in the art of Motivational Interviewing, a technique proven to be very successful in working with “difficult populations,” such as people with addictions and/or trouble with the law.  Now, a year later, there is one phrase that has proven so valuable, it alone was worth the price of admission.  It is the reminder that when viewing our options to change, we can always “choose to do nothing.”

Huh?  Yes, doing nothing about your situation is indeed a choice.  And for a lot of people, when we reinforce to them in a non-judgmental way that doing nothing and staying just the way they are is an acceptable option, it reduces the fight against making a change.  Suddenly, the motivation to change stops coming from the outside, and a person has the opportunity to evaluate their own ambivalence.  If you are lecturing me about why I have to change my diet, human nature will make me want to eat more, just to maintain my sense of control and power.

If, however, after exploring why I may want to eat healthier and feeling the decision to make a change to live my own values is totally up to  me, I might actually give it a try.  In fact, what I have found for myself and in working with people making difficult changes is that after exploring their own very real reasons for wanting to change (not a partner or a doctor’s), when offered the choice of not yet doing anything to change, the option seems ridiculous:  “Why would I choose to do nothing?”

By acknowledging that not changing anything is a choice we make, the source of power comes back to us. It opens the door to a variety of options and actively engages with what we want and what we feel capable of doing.  It also tends to break the black and white thinking that tends to get in the way of change:  that we have to give up everything in order to be successful.  Maybe we don’t feel ready to stop drinking, but we do feel ready to read up on the health effects of drinking or attend one AA  meeting, just to check it out.  When we recognize that our behavior is totally our choice, we don’t have to stay stuck in order to prove we are in control.

Simply put, when it comes to change, if I know that I can choose to do nothing, I am more likely to choose to do something!