Sometimes the decision to make a change comes when we reflect on how our actions have affected other people that we care about.  This relational awareness can be a potent motivation to change and provides personal accountability to our efforts. But as anybody who has received an apology can tell you, saying your sorry can be a powerfully healing or an empty gesture depending on the way it is handled (example, Ryan Lochte’s twitter apology).  This week’s post will explore the elements to help you repair a relationship when it’s important to do so.

One element of an effective apology is timing.  Often people make the mistake of apologizing too early.  In doing so, the offended person may feel you are trying to move on without giving the situation full respect.  Aaron Lazarus, a former dean at the University of Massachusetts Medical School who wrote a book about apologizing, finds  an inverted “U” shape to the best timing for apologies.  If it happens too soon or too late, it misses the important step of allowing people to express themselves and feel heard.

Which brings us to the second element of an effective apology – focusing on the other person.  Research shows that people are more likely to feel an apology is sincere and that the person is truly going to change their behavior when they believe the person understands the true hurt caused by their behavior.  This focus on the offended person’s emotional state builds back the trust that has been damaged by a break in empathy.  In the book titled, After the Affair, author Dr. Janis Spring finds that couples are most likely to save their marriage when the hurt partner truly believes that the partner who has been unfaithful understands the layers of pain they have caused.

But apologies can backfire if they are used too often.  Overdoing apologies can make each individual apology seem less sincere.  Especially when it is regarding a similar behavior, the apology begins to look like an excuse for not actually making a change to avoid repeating the offense.  Or, apologizing too easily can come with a social cost.  Research shows women can actually undermine their authority by apologizing too frequently. (Refer to Amy Schumer’s hilarious skit about women over apologizing).

And finally, there is the all too common in public sphere’s “non-apology,” which recently made its debut in the Oxford Dictionary.  It refers to “a statement that takes the form of an apology but doesn’t sufficiently acknowledge regret or responsibility.”  Often these statements have the quality of you having just consulted your lawyer.  Such as,  “I am sorry if you are offended by anything I have written in this post.  I’m happy to help you understand the importance of why I wrote what I did.”

It helps to think of the word “sorry” as the beginning and not the end of a conversation.  If done with caring, apologizing can be a powerful opening to a deeper conversation.  But keep in mind,  it’s your being sorry, not just saying you’re sorry that counts.