It’s easy to get frustrated when you think you’re fighting your genetics.  When it comes to things like weight issues, difficulty with alcohol, or even problems with a bad temper, you can look at your biological family and feel doomed to the patterns you observe around you.  But while we do inherit genetic predispositions to certain conditions, it is actually surprising to learn how much of ourselves is not predetermined by our DNA.  What creates family similarities can be influenced just as much as our biology as by the habits we “inherit” (learn without realizing it).  The good news is, habits, compared to genetics, can be much more easily changed.

In biological psychology, there are calculations regarding how much of a characteristic or disease is influenced by genetics.  Based on studies of families, particularly twin studies (identical twins raised together versus raised apart), a percentage of influence can be determined.  This is called the Heritability Factor.  Some traits, like eye color, have a high percentage, 98% in fact, meaning there is not a lot that will change our deep brown eyes.  Or our freckle count (91%).  But for most other traits or conditions, in looking at the list, it is quite interesting to see how much environment can have an effect.  Alcoholism and Obesity both have heritability estimates of 50%.  This means that while we may inherit a predisposition to these conditions, there is just as much we can do to avoid them.  Even height has only a 60% heritability, meaning our nutrition and life circumstances can determine our height.  (Did you know that when children are under a lot of stress, hormones that are released inhibit their growth?)  Tobacco dependence is also at 60%.   Surprising to me is that longevity (how long we live) has a heritability of only 26%!  That means the way we live and the choices we make have a huge influence over how long we’ll be around.

In looking at the environmental influences of these conditions, however, don’t be fooled to think that we don’t “inherit” some of these, as well.  In psychological terms, we very frequently inherit patterns of behaviors and ways of expressing ourselves.  Unconsciously we learn to eat the way our parents eat, develop attitudes and patterns of how we drink alcohol as our families did, and even express our anger in ways that were modeled to us.  In this way, while not “genetic,” we inherit tendencies that have a strong influence over our lives:  how we behave, how we handle stress, how we resolve (or don’t resolve) conflict.

Often, in working with people, psychotherapists will complete a genogram.  This is basically a map of who in their history married, divorced, experienced trauma such as abuse or domestic violence and had addiction or trouble with the law, etc..  It is often shocking to see what we refer to as the “intergenerational” patterns that emerge that seem to carry on as if inherited from one generation to the next.  In doing such a map, it brings clarity and awareness of the patterns that set us up for our lives.  This knowledge is truly empowering.   It offers us  a process of change, recognizing that we can be in charge of ourselves in ways that will change our destiny, and perhaps that of our children.

A lot has been learned about nutrition and well being since we were children.  Times have certainly changed, as have ideas, opportunities, and attitudes.  What your parents did may have been the the best thing at the time, but may not be right for you now.  So for whatever challenge you are working with, look at what you may have inherited both biologically, but also in terms of habits and attitudes.  What works, and what would you like to change?  You may have your father’s eyes and your mother’s freckles, but you don’t have to have their high blood pressure or smoking habit.

Most people love vacations, especially when you can travel.  It’s fun and refreshing to explore a new place and learn about the ways of other peoples and cultures.  Travel helps to give you perspective about how things could be different and can inspire you to make some changes when you experience new images, activities, and ideas.  But travel is expensive, so most of us don’t get to do it very often.  But I had an experience this past week that inspired me and is the source for this week’s post.

My daughter and I had some extra time before her appointment.  She noticed a Vietnamese grocery store and asked it we could go in.  Just stepping through the door our senses were surrounded by new sights and smells, as if we had been transported to another land.  We walked through the aisles listening to people laughing and conversing in a language foreign to us. We got to pick up and smell vegetables we were unfamiliar with and learn about them from the friendly people. We saw canned goods and bottles of sauces in refrigerators that were fun to try to pronounce and even purchased a few items to experiment with to create a new dish for dinner.  By the time we left to go to the doctor, we felt like we’d been somewhere exotic!

This mini trip got me thinking about other ways I could be more adventurous, right in my home town.   When I travel, I read about the location I am going to and plan how to see the things that might be unique or interesting to me.  Do I ever do that around me in my daily life? Why couldn’t I?  Really, being a tourist is a frame of mind. When I travel, I’m looking for things that are unique and seeking them out.  I have an open mind and a desire to challenge myself in seeing things from a different perspective or learn about something I am not so familiar with.

So I have been thinking about ways to change things up as I go about my usual days.  I have been keeping my eye open for local events, shops, or restaurants that would only take a bit of time, but could transport me far away.  There is a lot more around me than I had thought, but I hadn’t noticed it because I was in my routine.  I’ve even become a little more creative with my schedule, making time to meander somewhere a little new or working in a day trip to our schedule.  This past weekend we even spent  the night in a beautiful campground somewhere close by.  It’s nice to let go of my usual dichotomy – either on vacation or not.  With my tourist’s frame of mind, instead of just once a year, I can have a mini vacation whenever I need it.

Lately I have been awed by the magical quality of time.  It can both go so quickly and so slowly, simultaneously.  We’ve been planning for my daughter to attend college ever since she was born.  So why did it feel like her leaving came on so suddenly?  And my mother was diagnosed with a neurological disease over seven years ago.  Her decline has painfully progressed over those long years, and yet it frequently sems to take us by surprise to realize a strategy we’ve developed to accommodate her needs has suddenly stopped working.  

No matter what is happening in your life, you can count on time.  Whether you are busy or bored, feel happy or sad, things are going well or your life is challenging, time passes.  And with it, time carries both the power to heal and the power to scare us as we count down our passing days.  Time is one of the existential absolutes that we cannot control, yet with awareness we certainly can choose how we use our time and whether the changes that come will bring contentment or despair. We alone have the power to be more present in our lives and more mindful of the decsions we make that accumulate minute by minute, day by day, week by week, year by year,  making up our lifetime.

A man I worked with put it all in perspective for me in a way I found incredibly motivating.  He said, no matter if I drink or not, time is going to move forward.  So when he feels like having a cocktail, he imagines himself six months from now.  Will he be happy he had the drink or unhappy?  Will he have six months of continued abstinence or will he still be an alcoholic?

Think of yourself six months from now.  Time will certainly have ticked on by.  If you stick to your dietary plan, or your abstinence from alcohol or drugs, or your anger or stress management techniques, where will you be compared to if you do not?  The choice is yours.  The time is guaranteed to pass, so why not use it toward achieving your goal?  Either way you will suddenly find yourself six months older.  Might as well take advantage of the magical powers of time. Time plus effort will equal success.

Sometimes the decision to make a change comes when we reflect on how our actions have affected other people that we care about.  This relational awareness can be a potent motivation to change and provides personal accountability to our efforts. But as anybody who has received an apology can tell you, saying your sorry can be a powerfully healing or an empty gesture depending on the way it is handled (example, Ryan Lochte’s twitter apology).  This week’s post will explore the elements to help you repair a relationship when it’s important to do so.

One element of an effective apology is timing.  Often people make the mistake of apologizing too early.  In doing so, the offended person may feel you are trying to move on without giving the situation full respect.  Aaron Lazarus, a former dean at the University of Massachusetts Medical School who wrote a book about apologizing, finds  an inverted “U” shape to the best timing for apologies.  If it happens too soon or too late, it misses the important step of allowing people to express themselves and feel heard.

Which brings us to the second element of an effective apology – focusing on the other person.  Research shows that people are more likely to feel an apology is sincere and that the person is truly going to change their behavior when they believe the person understands the true hurt caused by their behavior.  This focus on the offended person’s emotional state builds back the trust that has been damaged by a break in empathy.  In the book titled, After the Affair, author Dr. Janis Spring finds that couples are most likely to save their marriage when the hurt partner truly believes that the partner who has been unfaithful understands the layers of pain they have caused.

But apologies can backfire if they are used too often.  Overdoing apologies can make each individual apology seem less sincere.  Especially when it is regarding a similar behavior, the apology begins to look like an excuse for not actually making a change to avoid repeating the offense.  Or, apologizing too easily can come with a social cost.  Research shows women can actually undermine their authority by apologizing too frequently. (Refer to Amy Schumer’s hilarious skit about women over apologizing).

And finally, there is the all too common in public sphere’s “non-apology,” which recently made its debut in the Oxford Dictionary.  It refers to “a statement that takes the form of an apology but doesn’t sufficiently acknowledge regret or responsibility.”  Often these statements have the quality of you having just consulted your lawyer.  Such as,  “I am sorry if you are offended by anything I have written in this post.  I’m happy to help you understand the importance of why I wrote what I did.”

It helps to think of the word “sorry” as the beginning and not the end of a conversation.  If done with caring, apologizing can be a powerful opening to a deeper conversation.  But keep in mind,  it’s your being sorry, not just saying you’re sorry that counts.