In order to learn and grow we require feedback.  Research consistently shows that people who are able to take feedback well, especially criticism, are more successful, both in business and in personal relationships.  I see this in my psychotherapy work all the time.  People unable to receive feedback have a rigidity that creates distance and frustration in their relationships.  But even for myself, witnessing how important it is, why is it so hard not to be hurt and defensive when someone gives me negative feedback?  This week’s post offers some insight as to why criticism is so hard for us and how we might shield ourselves from a bit of the sting.

Most of us experience criticism as a condemnation of our character.  We take feedback personally and therefore feel attacked not for what we did, but for who we are.  A big factor for people who are good at accepting feedback is viewing it as points of information for growth rather than a measure of your lack of worth.  Another big factor found in people who are good at accepting feedback is confidence.  If you believe in your basic abilities, you won’t fall apart when someone points out a flaw.  It’s much easier to believe you can fix a mistake than it is to overcome a feeling of incompetence.  Often what hurts most in negative feedback is not the direct content of the message, but the threat of exclusion, abandonment, or failure that is triggered by it.  The more we can stay centered and balanced in our assessment of ourselves, the more resilient to criticism we will be.

Our brains and the way our minds work naturally make us vulnerable to criticism.  About fifteen years ago was the first research revealing our “negativity bias;” our brain’s neural circuitry is actually more sensitive to negative stimuli than positive.  As a result, we are more aware of and put more weight in losses and potential threats.  Communication is scanned with an ear more sensitive to criticism than praise, or even neutral information.  We all know this experience, when you receive a review with five good points, but all you can do is think about the one negative.

Criticism is often toughest in our personal relationships because so much emotion is involved.  Points of discontent have less to do with tasks or performance and more to do with individual preferences and needs. Personal values, love, and intimate knowledge are all at stake.  We are most sensitive to the criticism of those closest to us, simply because they are so close.  Their opinion of us matters the most, and their rejection of us has the most potential consequences and carries the most weight.

In order to help be more open to feedback from your loved ones, try to listen to the feelings underneath the words.  Most often a criticism is actually the expression of a hurt based on a need.  If you can listen past the criticism, you can frequently hear a heartfelt desire in what would otherwise feel like an attack.  For example, “you don’t care about us, you work all the time,” is actually an expression of the desire to spend more time with you.  Or “you never compliment how I look,” might really be “I want to feel that I am attractive to you.”

While it may seem that it would take superhuman strength to deflect the negativity and see the positive, it becomes easier when you prime yourself to do it.  Remind yourself that this person is someone you love, who loves you, too.  Give yourself time, as well.  Take a deep breath and try to focus on listening rather than reacting.  Some of the most hurtful things are said when we feel under attack.  When you feel overwhelmed, ask permission to listen only and respond at a later point when you have time to consider what is being said.

Learning to take feedback well is a challenging skill that takes a lot of effort and a lot of self discipline.  It’s also something that gets easier with time and effort.  The good news is that with small changes, people tend to see immediate results in terms of greater intimacy and less conflict.  One of the most interesting things I also notice is that when people learn to take feedback with more resilience, they also learn to give feedback to others in a more productive manner.  Either in giving or receiving criticism, you can best shield yourself with the armor of a good perspective and an open attitude.