Sometimes the patterns in our closest relationships are the hardest to change.  Because of the intimacy and how often we interact, the lines between us and our loved ones are hard to see.  As a result, it can be challenging to notice where our boundaries may have stretched in ways that we didn’t intend.  In this blog post, I invite you to tune into your habits of relating and consider where there might actually be benefit from either pulling back or stepping up.

It is natural over time in relationships for a division of labor to settle in.  You go to the grocery store, he cooks the meal.  You pay the bills, and she takes out the trash.  The physical responsibilities are easiest to see.  There is also a division of emotional labor, although it can be quite subtle.  You soothe him when he’s angry at the kids, he tells your mother to mind her own business.  Each of you takes on the duties best suited to your temperament and comfort.  In many ways this can be a great advantage to being in close relationships.  The disadvantages, however, may be hiding.  Having someone to compensate for your weaknesses or your discomforts may actually get in the way of your growth and well-being, and over time, may actually cause problems. Resentments, blaming behavior, and overreactions are typical byproducts when there is an imbalance around emotional responsibilities.

Take, for example, the relationship of a young woman who is living with a man she loves.  Her partner had a rocky relationship with his ex-wife and tended to become aggressive when there was a disagreement around who had their kids for a night or weekend.  Being a gentle person, the young woman acted as a go between.  She was able to befriend the ex-wife and made the calls to arrange for the drop off and pick up.  At first this was great for everyone.  But over time, she began to feel resentment over the pressure she felt for being responsible for his children.  She often felt in the middle, and was increasingly blamed when the arrangements were misunderstood or inconvenient.  Their relationship was being damaged from the conflict, now involving her, and she was considering splitting up with him.  “How did this happen,” she asked herself, “when I just trying to help?”  The answer became clear with some perspective.  She realized that in her desire to be helpful, she was doing too much.  Yes, she was making it smooth, but she was also taking on all of their tensions.  Her partner no longer had to work on managing his own emotions and addressing the issues with his ex-wife.  Instead, he could sit back in his anger and put the responsibility for it on her.

Naturally in expressing our love we want to care for and help, even take away someone’s pain when it’s possible.  There is a constant evaluation if you are doing too much or doing too little.  This is especially true for parenting.  When is it helpful to lend a hand, and when is it getting in the way?  It can be so hard to watch a loved one struggle or even fail.  The question you need to ask, however, is when are you interfering with someone learning or taking responsibility for their behavior and when are you actually assisting them in their overall development?  And are you taking on an issue that is not yours to ease your own discomfort in feeling helpless?

These are not easy questions to answer, but they are really helpful tools to think about in your relationship patterns.  Personal boundaries are always changing, depending on our moods, stress levels, and the situation.  If you find yourself resentful, overly territorial around an issue, or feeling powerless, you might take a step back.  Where is your boundary?  Where does your responsibility begin and someone else’s end?  Your loved one may not like a change at first, but in time, it may be the best for your relationship.