Have you ever noticed that once you have a habit going, it’s easier to keep it going?  This is a result of momentum.  Momentum is the “force that keeps an object moving after an impulse is applied to it” (the impulse-momentum theorem).  I will spare you the long explanation from a scientific perspective (partly because I don’t understand it), but instead, focus my attention on psychological momentum and how to get it working in your favor for the change you desire.

Psychological momentum involves the changes in a person’s sense of control, confidence, optimism, motivation, and energy over a period of time.  Initial success leads to a feeling that things are going your way.  As a result, you feel more confident and capable.  By increasing these positive beliefs, your enthusiasm goes up, making your interest and intensity grow.  Momentum can happen in one experience, such as in a sporting event or a day in the stock market, or over a longer period of time, such as our family spending habits or creating and sustaining a new habit of working out.

In reviewing literature on momentum both in sports and in personal or business success, two factors seem most important:  focus and consistency.  When we lose our psychological momentum, it often coincides with a loss of focus (Markman and Guenther, 2007).  Something occurs that distracts us, very often being our own thoughts.  It normally starts when we have a set back and a negative spiral develops.  The other factor is consistency.  The more we stick to our intended behavior, the more we have the discipline to continue despite set backs.  Through consistency, we learn to overcome and inoculate ourselves from the loss of focus that can come from a mistake or bad performance.

So, in putting these two factors together, it is clear that daily actions can really help to build both focus and consistency.  Jerry Seinfeld, yes, the comedian, attributes a lot of his success in writing jokes to momentum.  He has a method that he refers to as “Don’t Break the Chain.”  He gets a big calendar that has a whole year on one page and hangs it on a prominent wall.  The next step is to buy a big red marker and for each day that he does his daily task of writing, he puts a big red “X” over that day.  After a few days, he has a chain.  The chain keeps getting longer, and after a few weeks, he enjoys seeing the chain and then his “only task is not to break the chain.”

This strategy seems to work because it creates discipline and fights procrastination.  In addition, it helps avoid the trap of a set back.  If you have one bad day of writing or performing, you settle right back into your activity the next day.  It takes the focus off of each individual performance and puts the emphasis on the process.   The key is to pick an activity that is meaningful enough to make a difference when done repeatedly, but simple enough that you can do it every day.  Mastery follows consistency when you have dedication to small manageable tasks.

In order to help get you started (the initial impulse needed to get the momentum) there actually is a “Don’t Break the Chain” app that you can buy.  Another app to help track your daily action is the Momentum Habit Tracker app.  However you do it, whether with a wall calendar, piece of scrap paper, or the use of technology, the principle is the same.  Do something, do it every day, and keep track of it.  If you see a chain of success, you will feel successful, and you will be motivated to keep it going.  Small improvements accumulate, because daily action provides “compounding interest.”  Conversely, skipping one day makes it easier to skip the next.  Remember, the definition of momentum refers to it as a force.  Make the force be with you! (oooh, sorry!)

In order to learn and grow we require feedback.  Research consistently shows that people who are able to take feedback well, especially criticism, are more successful, both in business and in personal relationships.  I see this in my psychotherapy work all the time.  People unable to receive feedback have a rigidity that creates distance and frustration in their relationships.  But even for myself, witnessing how important it is, why is it so hard not to be hurt and defensive when someone gives me negative feedback?  This week’s post offers some insight as to why criticism is so hard for us and how we might shield ourselves from a bit of the sting.

Most of us experience criticism as a condemnation of our character.  We take feedback personally and therefore feel attacked not for what we did, but for who we are.  A big factor for people who are good at accepting feedback is viewing it as points of information for growth rather than a measure of your lack of worth.  Another big factor found in people who are good at accepting feedback is confidence.  If you believe in your basic abilities, you won’t fall apart when someone points out a flaw.  It’s much easier to believe you can fix a mistake than it is to overcome a feeling of incompetence.  Often what hurts most in negative feedback is not the direct content of the message, but the threat of exclusion, abandonment, or failure that is triggered by it.  The more we can stay centered and balanced in our assessment of ourselves, the more resilient to criticism we will be.

Our brains and the way our minds work naturally make us vulnerable to criticism.  About fifteen years ago was the first research revealing our “negativity bias;” our brain’s neural circuitry is actually more sensitive to negative stimuli than positive.  As a result, we are more aware of and put more weight in losses and potential threats.  Communication is scanned with an ear more sensitive to criticism than praise, or even neutral information.  We all know this experience, when you receive a review with five good points, but all you can do is think about the one negative.

Criticism is often toughest in our personal relationships because so much emotion is involved.  Points of discontent have less to do with tasks or performance and more to do with individual preferences and needs. Personal values, love, and intimate knowledge are all at stake.  We are most sensitive to the criticism of those closest to us, simply because they are so close.  Their opinion of us matters the most, and their rejection of us has the most potential consequences and carries the most weight.

In order to help be more open to feedback from your loved ones, try to listen to the feelings underneath the words.  Most often a criticism is actually the expression of a hurt based on a need.  If you can listen past the criticism, you can frequently hear a heartfelt desire in what would otherwise feel like an attack.  For example, “you don’t care about us, you work all the time,” is actually an expression of the desire to spend more time with you.  Or “you never compliment how I look,” might really be “I want to feel that I am attractive to you.”

While it may seem that it would take superhuman strength to deflect the negativity and see the positive, it becomes easier when you prime yourself to do it.  Remind yourself that this person is someone you love, who loves you, too.  Give yourself time, as well.  Take a deep breath and try to focus on listening rather than reacting.  Some of the most hurtful things are said when we feel under attack.  When you feel overwhelmed, ask permission to listen only and respond at a later point when you have time to consider what is being said.

Learning to take feedback well is a challenging skill that takes a lot of effort and a lot of self discipline.  It’s also something that gets easier with time and effort.  The good news is that with small changes, people tend to see immediate results in terms of greater intimacy and less conflict.  One of the most interesting things I also notice is that when people learn to take feedback with more resilience, they also learn to give feedback to others in a more productive manner.  Either in giving or receiving criticism, you can best shield yourself with the armor of a good perspective and an open attitude.

Sometimes the patterns in our closest relationships are the hardest to change.  Because of the intimacy and how often we interact, the lines between us and our loved ones are hard to see.  As a result, it can be challenging to notice where our boundaries may have stretched in ways that we didn’t intend.  In this blog post, I invite you to tune into your habits of relating and consider where there might actually be benefit from either pulling back or stepping up.

It is natural over time in relationships for a division of labor to settle in.  You go to the grocery store, he cooks the meal.  You pay the bills, and she takes out the trash.  The physical responsibilities are easiest to see.  There is also a division of emotional labor, although it can be quite subtle.  You soothe him when he’s angry at the kids, he tells your mother to mind her own business.  Each of you takes on the duties best suited to your temperament and comfort.  In many ways this can be a great advantage to being in close relationships.  The disadvantages, however, may be hiding.  Having someone to compensate for your weaknesses or your discomforts may actually get in the way of your growth and well-being, and over time, may actually cause problems. Resentments, blaming behavior, and overreactions are typical byproducts when there is an imbalance around emotional responsibilities.

Take, for example, the relationship of a young woman who is living with a man she loves.  Her partner had a rocky relationship with his ex-wife and tended to become aggressive when there was a disagreement around who had their kids for a night or weekend.  Being a gentle person, the young woman acted as a go between.  She was able to befriend the ex-wife and made the calls to arrange for the drop off and pick up.  At first this was great for everyone.  But over time, she began to feel resentment over the pressure she felt for being responsible for his children.  She often felt in the middle, and was increasingly blamed when the arrangements were misunderstood or inconvenient.  Their relationship was being damaged from the conflict, now involving her, and she was considering splitting up with him.  “How did this happen,” she asked herself, “when I just trying to help?”  The answer became clear with some perspective.  She realized that in her desire to be helpful, she was doing too much.  Yes, she was making it smooth, but she was also taking on all of their tensions.  Her partner no longer had to work on managing his own emotions and addressing the issues with his ex-wife.  Instead, he could sit back in his anger and put the responsibility for it on her.

Naturally in expressing our love we want to care for and help, even take away someone’s pain when it’s possible.  There is a constant evaluation if you are doing too much or doing too little.  This is especially true for parenting.  When is it helpful to lend a hand, and when is it getting in the way?  It can be so hard to watch a loved one struggle or even fail.  The question you need to ask, however, is when are you interfering with someone learning or taking responsibility for their behavior and when are you actually assisting them in their overall development?  And are you taking on an issue that is not yours to ease your own discomfort in feeling helpless?

These are not easy questions to answer, but they are really helpful tools to think about in your relationship patterns.  Personal boundaries are always changing, depending on our moods, stress levels, and the situation.  If you find yourself resentful, overly territorial around an issue, or feeling powerless, you might take a step back.  Where is your boundary?  Where does your responsibility begin and someone else’s end?  Your loved one may not like a change at first, but in time, it may be the best for your relationship.

With the start of summer and hot weather, people tend to drink more.  Whether after work, on vacation, or tending the BBQ, it’s easy to pop open a cold one or rev up the blender for just one more frozen margarita.  Certainly most people who drink are not alcoholics, but it is possible that your drinking may be harmful to your well being.  In this blog post, I will review the recommendations from the National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion with the goal of increasing your awareness for yourself or someone you love.

At least 38 million adults drink too much and most are NOT alcoholics.  Drinking too much includes binge drinking, high weekly use, and alcohol use by a pregnant woman.  Alcohol consumption causes 88,000 deaths in the United States each year.  The good news is that with just a slight change in behavior people can reduce their risks of harm significantly.

One standard drink is equal to one 12 oz. beer, one 5 oz. glass of wine or a 1.5 oz. (shot) of distilled gin, rum, whiskey or vodka.

To stay within low risk drinking limits, you should not drink more than:

PER DAY:  Women should not drink more than 3 drinks on one occasion, for men, 4 drinks.

PER WEEK:  Women should not drink more than 7 drinks per week, for men, 14 drinks per week.

Excessive alcohol use has immediate risks, often the result of binge drinking.  These include motor vehicle crashes, falls, drowning, burns, and violence.  It can also lead to alcohol poisoning and risky sexual behavior or birth complications for pregnant women.  Excessive alcohol use over time can lead to chronic health diseases and other serious problems, including high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, liver problems, digestive problems, cancers (breast, mouth and throat, liver, colon), dementia and memory problems, as well as depression and anxiety.

Excessive alcohol use is also the cause of many social problems, such as missing work, reduced productivity at work and in your personal roles, and relationship conflict.  One of the most consistent problems that I see in my work with couples is the cost of drinking on trust and intimacy.  When people engage in excessive drinking, they tend to do and say things that are hurtful and even harmful to a relationship.  The behavior is often discounted as not being “real” because of the alcohol.  To the partner, the effects of the behavior are, however, quite “real.”  Over time, this pattern can erode a relationship.

So, from a psychological point of view, and a relational point of view, I must admit a higher standard for what I consider excessive drinking and at risk drinking.  If someone in your life – a partner, employer, co-worker, or family member – tells you they are concerned about your drinking, take it seriously.   Studies, in fact, support the notion that other people are better judges of the risks of our alcohol consumption.

There are so many ways to have fun in the summer.  Swimming, camping, boating, picnics, and concerts are just a few of the many things we associate with summer that we look forward to all year.  With just a bit more attention to your drinking behavior, you can make sure that the fun stays fun for everyone.