You reach the valley floor after climbing a mountain.  The level terrain is welcoming and offers a chance to reflect on the next peak ahead.  Be careful, however, as valleys are where the fog tends to collect.  Too much time in the valley and you might lose your motivation or clarity for moving forward.  Too little time, rushing ahead to attack the next climb, and you might not be well prepared.  Transition points are hard.  It’s a tricky balance to handle the ambiguous journey between an ending and a new beginning.

It’s common for these “in between” times to be quite challenging.  You end a relationship, graduate from college, or leave a job.  You know where you’ve been, but you don’t quite yet know where you’re going. Even if it’s a change for the better, leaving something that wasn’t right for you, it’s hard to be in the middle.  Doubts can start to creep in.  Did I make the right choice?  Old memories fill your head, because you’ve nothing to replace them with yet.  It’s hard to trust that someone or something better will come.  It’s a time of great anxiety and emptiness.  The discomfort can be overwhelming, making this is a time to be careful.  Very careful, in fact.  During transitions, people often lose their good judgment, in order to get rid of the pain.

It’s tempting to rush into something just to replace what you lost.  Not knowing what you want to do or if the right person will come along is scary.  It’s easy to fool yourself into thinking something is right, even when at some level you know it isn’t.  Filling a hole can feel good temporarily, but the long term effects can really set you back and be costly with consequences.  The other temptation is to give up on your goal. Waiting for something, like having to save up for a house, or taking the prerequisites before you can enter the program you want, or spending lonely nights in order to choose the right new friends, can wear you down.  It’s easy to get too comfortable, giving up on the goal, convincing yourself it’s for the best, or worse yet, convincing yourself it’s what you wanted all along.

So when descending to the valley, it helps to have a map.  While you can’t know for sure what the next step will be, you can plan to make the best of your time in between. Set some goals and activities to add structure to your life.  For example, while waiting for a new job, take a class, or after leaving a relationship, spend time with people you rarely get to see.  Take advantage of the shift in your life that may create openings for new things.  Rather than feeling like your life is empty while you wait for something, enjoy the now as much as you can.  But set some time limits, too, so you won’t lose the path to your ultimate goal.  For example, give yourself a year of travel after college, but set the date when you will begin to prepare for graduate school.  You can always renegotiate, but the time frame commitment will keep you assessing your progress and choices.

Change is hard, and often a good part of the reason for this is the “in between.”  Your mind can play tricks with you and it’s easy to get lost.  Without the clear direction of the mountain pass, the valley can lead you in circles.  So use your time to rest, regroup, and refocus.  And if the next mountain you were hoping for is not on the horizon, change course.  By pivoting just a little bit in any direction, an entirely new range might come into view.

At the end of each school year I am struck by how much each of mydaughters has changed.  Their graduations prompt me to recognize their growth, celebrate the learning they’ve mastered, and plan forthe challenges ahead.  Without these yearly transitions, in contrast, I tend to overlook my own changes.  While I appreciate the stability of living in the same house for many years, being in the same career, and luckily, in many of the same relationships, it can be deceptive to think that I’m the same person I used to be. Without big fanfare, slow but steady changes are surely taking place.  As adults every now and then it’s good to take inventory of our own personal graduations, assuring that how we’re living our lives has kept up with who we really are.

First and most obvious are the physical changes we experience.  How many clothes do I keep in my closet that I no longer wear?  Styles have changed, my body has changed, and yes, even what is appropriate for me to wear has changed.  While at first it can seem humbling, accepting these changes can actually be liberating.  I must confess, I love the make-over shows when people are confronted with their out of date make-up, hair, or fashion habits.  But embracing a new way of being is only fun if you feel ready to let go.  It can be scary if you’re a person who prefers to hold onto the comfort of how things used to be.  I know quite a few runners (including myself) with painful knee and foot problems that finally had to change to another sport.  While at first it was a blow to their (my) competitive ego, they actually enjoy feeling good again.

The same is true for relationships.  Some relationships change along with us, but not all do.  Like the styles we might have outgrown, relationships that worked in the past may not be what we need anymore.  You may no longer have much in common with someone, or your values and interests might have diverged.  It’s good to be honest with yourself about with whom and how you like to spend your time.  Just because you have always done the same activities with the same people, doesn’t mean there isn’t room for someone or something new.  Nor does it mean that you don’t appreciate these relationships and recognize their importance in your life.

Erik Erikson was the first psychologist to study natural developmental changes that occur in adulthood.  Since then, research has supported his idea that we continue to grow and change psychologically throughout our lifetime.  It’s often only at milestone birthdays that we seem to notice, but it didn’t just happen overnight.  Our ongoing experiences and our psychological development continue to shape our personality.  We may have become more extraverted than we used to be, more content with ourselves, or more restless with the desire for more risk.  These individual differences are what make us interesting and if attended to, can keep our lives stimulating and meaningful.

How have you changed?  I’ll bet if you sit down to think about it, despite the sense of your overall continuity, a lot about you has changed.  Make a list and consider how different you may be.  What does this mean about the goals you might set, what challenges you face, and what new desires you have?  Then, if you’re really brave, share these observations with people close to you.  It might be fun to celebrate a graduation of your own defining, recognizing all you have mastered and achieved.  Congratulations life class of 2016, you have lived, loved and learned another year!

It happens to me all the time.  I get home from a long day and I’m starving.  I put down my bag, take off my jacket, and stride into the kitchen thinking, “What do I want to eat?”  Immediately the crunchy texture of the garlic bread I just heard advertised on the radio emerges, followed by the creamy sensation of the salted caramel ice cream I know is hiding somewhere in my freezer.  As my senses enjoy considering my options, I cannot for the life of me remember what a healthy meal is or why anyone would want one.  And that is the danger of asking.   Considering choices in the short term can actually get in the way of sticking to what we actually know we really want in the long run.

Having a set plan in place is critical for any big change.  The fewer choices you have, the less room there is for temptation.  If you ask yourself “do I want a cigarette on my break” or “should I have a drink at the party,” you’re halfway to having them.  Of course you want one!  And now you must negotiate the ambivalence around the possibility you introduced by the question.  The more you can think ahead to eliminate your options to stray, the easier it will be to stay on track.  Have the menu for a healthy dinner set in motion before you walk in the door starving hungry.  Know what walking route you will be taking before you leave work, because when you have to decide, you’ll start thinking about how tired you are and how you might really prefer to take a shorter walk, or even walk around the mall rather than the trail, and then while at the mall, you might grab dinner instead.  The more decisions we have to make, the more wiggle room we create.

Obviously, planning every step of your life can quickly become tedious and restrictive.  So try to focus on making a set plan for the times when you are most vulnerable to temptation.  Think about your day and week ahead.  What are the points when you tend to stray from your desired habits?  Create a list of trigger points and make a plan especially for those times.  If it helps, make a list of three choices for each of those moments, so you have some flexibility, but all acceptable choices.  For example, instead of dessert after dinner, list three options:  a walk around the block, brewing a cup of tea, or playing solitaire on the computer.  It also really helps to have other people involved.  If your plan is to meet a friend for a bike ride or grill fish for dinner with your partner, the doubled investment in the plan will make it more likely to stick.

When it comes to long term change, spontaneity may not be the best strategy.  Why make it harder on yourself by creating tension each time you have to decide to “do” or “not do” a behavior?   A question by definition poses uncertainty.  So, when you hear yourself contemplating what you already know, recognize your question for the trap it could be.  While questions are an important tool for learning, they may not be the best tool for consistent doing!

I am borrowing Head Coach Steve Curr’s phrase “Strength In Numbers” to illustrate this week’s blog topic. It seems to be working pretty well for the Warriors, as MVP Steph Curry is out with a knee injury and they are still winning.  The phrase reflects the philosophy that to accomplish our goals we need to work as a team.  No matter what the change is you are working toward, no matter how solitary a process it may seem, we need other to people to help us along the way.  Whether you’re trying to eat healthier, quit smoking, leave a relationship, switch careers, or cope with an illness, creating a team to support you is a key factor in long term success.  An off night or drop in motivation is a much easier challenge to overcome when you  have a bench of people trained and ready to have your back.

When I ask people about their support systems for making a change, I often hear, “I don’t want to tell anyone because they’ve heard it all before.”  A sense of shame for past failures gets in the way.  While I totally understand the feeling, what you’re losing by not telling anyone is a key source of support that you will absolutely need.  Change is not a linear process.  We all change, and then change back.  Move forward, and then regress.  Create your own team in the way you will need it.  You don’t have to tell everyone, but choose a few people that will play key roles in your change process.

Another concern around support systems is when people, even with the best intentions, do things that make it more difficult than easier to change.  So, as best you can anticipate, and it may change over time, give people help in helping you.  What will actually feel supportive?  What actions can they take or questions can they ask you, and under what circumstances?  As you prepare for your change, talk to your selected team members, assign them their role and be specific about what they can do that will be most helpful.  They want to help you, so let them know what that looks like for you.  For example, a woman I was working with was trying to bring her sugar levels under control.  Every day, thinking he was being supportive, her co-worker grilled her about her diet and numbers.  Instead of being the support she needed, the co-worker was making her want to eat a dozen donuts, right in front of him!  It helped when she was able to thank him for his caring, as he really did care about her, but let him know that instead of a quiz each day, she would love for him to go for a walk with her during their lunch…and not talk about food!

We do not live in isolation.  It is a myth to think we can have “willpower” enough to withstand every temptation without a system in place to make our lives easier. We only have so much inner strength, which is why we can expand our strength in numbers.  Do some scouting, and draft your team members.  Train them, practice with them, and let them know how they matter.  Let them offer advice and resources; let them do some of your work!  When we put our egos aside we are able to let others help us, and we become a cohesive unit, more flexible, deeper in reserves, and happier in community.  And when it’s time to celebrate your success, you’ve already got your party started!

Last year for Mother’s Day I wrote a tribute to my Mother, Dossie.  She has taught me profound lessons as she faces the devastating losses from her neurological disease (Progressive Supranuclear Palsy).  This year, after 12 more months of the disease’s progression, I realize how much I have learned through my own challenges of managing her care.  It has exposed me to the awesome power of kindness, even in the smallest of gesture, in how it can both transform a situation and also relieve some of the pain.

These past few months, especially, I have had to undertake daily phone calls, e-mails, and meetings to coordinate my mother’s care.   I must admit feeling extremely vulnerable in my quest for help, advice, and reliance on people showing up as planned, including speech therapists and physical therapists, doctor’s, caregivers, care managers, medical supply companies, and the daily contact with many, many front office people for these various businesses.  Some of these encounters have been downright rude from impatience or indifference, causing me unnecessary frustration and despair. (I must admit, at times, it has not brought out the best in me.)  But at other times I have experienced sincere kindness and a genuine warm reception.  And what I am learning, as I had never truly understood before, is how this kindness really matters.  These encounters, both the good and the bad, are changing me, mostly to be a better person, in ways I hope I will retain. I am so grateful for all the kindness that has come my way in so many forms this year.

First, I would like to sincerely thank the people who spoke to me in a friendly manner.  A pleasant tone is soothing and reduces the fear and stress in asking for help.  Along with this, I would love to offer thanks to all the people who took just a few extra minutes to offer information.  Often it made a world of difference, giving me an insight, new perspective, or new resource.  Along these lines, I would love to acknowledge the people who showed up, whether it was reliably arriving for a shift, returning a phone call or e-mail, or following through on their duty.  Wow, it matters. And boy does it make my life easier.

And then there are the above and beyond acts of kindness that make you feel loved.  Thank you for the unexpected card from across the country that says you are thinking of me.  Thank you for attending a meeting with me, to be my extra pairs of ears and voices in order to ask for accountability.  Thank you for visiting my mother and planting bulbs outside her window, not knowing if she would live to see them bloom. Thank you for meeting me for coffee and offering a non-judgmental ear and a supportive piece of advice, even when it’s to tell me I need to change my approach or attitude.  And especially to my daughters, thank you all for your sacrifice in not having the full me available, and having the courage, without making me feel guilty, to tell me when you really need me to be there.  And most certainly, thank you all for asking.  I know how hard it is to hear about; how repetitive, depressing, and tedious, but you ask about it each time, anyhow.  For all of the many people who have been on my team this past year, you have taught me so much about love and so much about the power of kindness.

With all I have been given in this regard, I notice I am living differently.  Instead of a lowered gaze to catch up on e-mails while on line at the grocery store, I look up.  Somehow, without planning it, I now notice the person who looks lost or whose bag handle just broke and could use a hand picking up what has spilled.  Even if it’s just offering a thank you for a job well done, a smile to someone passing by, or directions to a traveler, I am more giving.   And for all the people who have been rude, unhelpful, and impatient, blaming others and even blaming me, I am going to try to be more kind.  I will never know what kind of day you have had, what kind of pain you are in, or what burden you are carrying.

As a mere human, I certainly can’t leap tall buildings in a single bound, I can’t look through walls to see if someone is in need, nor can I spin a web to catch a thief.  But I will always have the choice and the power to be kind.

*****A special note to THANK YOU, readers.  I have passed the year mark on writing this blog.  It has been an honor to know you are out there, willing to give me your time and attention, and benefit of the doubt each week.  My gift to you is a poem called KINDNESS by Naomi Shibab Nye, a true and gifted writer. Please do yourselves a favor and check it out.  http://www.elise.com/q/naomi.htm or just google the names