Although it’s a really common emotional experience, anger is hard to talk about and even more difficult to express well when you’re feeling it.   As a result, anger has gotten a bad reputation, as far as the hierarchy of preferred feelings is concerned.  There’s a tendency to judge anger as a more primitive state or that being angry implies a lack of maturity or self control.  In this week’s post I want to make a case for befriending your anger, as it can be a useful signal for when something’s wrong and can supply the energy needed for making a change.

The problem with anger is usually not the anger, but the way we express it.  Often people wait until their anger’s built up and then explode, confusing the message with the delivery.  By the time stuffed anger emerges we’re at the point of losing our rational thinking and acting impulsively.  The most common question I get when someone has problems around anger is how to not be angry.  They want tools to learn how to avoid being angry at all.   I try to reframe the issue as one of learning how to engage in self care, not self denial.  Most commonly, we become angry when we feel our rights have been violated in some way or that we’re being treated unfairly.  In this way, anger serves a really important role in alerting us to when we might need self protection or to be understood.  If we try to stop being angry, we ignore an important mechanism for self care.  So instead of trying to rid ourselves of anger, it’s helpful to focus on what it may be telling us, so we can advocate for ourselves and learn how to ask for what we need before we reach a state of being accusing or demanding.

Anger occurs in a range of intensity, from annoyance on the low end, to rage on the high end.  Try to notice your first hints of anger; is it irritation, sarcasm, or a physical sign of tension?  Then try to assess the root of when it began.  Be careful not to be judgmental, keep a scientific approach of observation.  Generally I’ve noticed three basic categories of triggers that often underlie our anger.  One is a sense of powerlessness or helplessness, such as being unable to have control over our situation, feeling a lack of support, or feeling victimized by other’s perceptions or misunderstanding.  It’s common to get angry when our boundaries are being disrespected or ignored.  A second trigger is shame or self-doubt in situations where you feel emotionally unsafe, perhaps feeling humiliated, inadequate, or a feeling that you’re not good enough.  And finally, rejection or abandonment can trigger anger, when we feel shut out or ignored by someone , and need to protect ourselves from the pain of the loss of love or understanding we desire.

Once you think you’ve found the source of your anger, take a deep breath.  Sometimes, just identifying what the trigger is can be soothing.  Or sometimes it can be energizing.  It may alert you to a situation that needed clarity and give you justification for your sense that something is wrong.  In either case, taking a little time to think, and breathe, is usually helpful.  It’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming others or jumping to conclusions, especially about intention.  Did the other person mean to hurt you or make you angry, or is it just a difference or miscommunication that needs attending to?  Usually, because our experience is so personal, it’s easy to assume that someone is attacking us in a personal way.  Talking to a trusted friend or even journaling about our feeling can be really helpful.  We can vent, release our frustration, and often an answer to what we need becomes clear.

The final step to making friends with anger is to develop a plan.  I encourage people to use the energy of the anger to your benefit.  It can motivate you to start something new, take an action, or feel more powerful or in control.  The main thing, however, is to be in relationship with your anger, rather than at its mercy.  Like a good friend, listen to it, sympathize with it, give it some reasonable feedback along with loving support.   Trust it, respect it, and let it guide you to what you need.  After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed.

Next week, a post about hidden anger.