While I’ve alluded to it in other blog posts, an aspect to successful change that’s often overlooked is assertiveness.  For many of us, not wanting to inconvenience people or hurt someone’s feelings can be a subtle but real roadblock to maintaining changes.  So in this week’s post I thought it would be good to focus attention on being more comfortable with asking for what you need.

Most people don’t want to be “that person.”  You know, the one in the group who makes a fuss about having a meal prepared in a certain way or having the seating chart altered to accommodate their issues.  We want to be gracious and grateful when someone invites us to dinner or includes us in a celebration.  But at the same time, it can pose a real dilemma when we’re trying to make a change that’s important to us, balancing our own needs and preferences while blending in with others.

When your friends are all having a cocktail or taking a cigarette break, it’s really hard to say no.  Besides fighting the desire to actually have one, often the bigger issue is the sense of disconnection it creates with people we care about.  Suddenly we are different, declaring ourselves as not like the others anymore, which can feel awkward.  Sometimes, it can even take on a feeling of competition or judgment.  Ever turn down dessert while out with friends, only to have people react with “Oh, she’s going to be good.”  It suddenly becomes a comparative situation that you did not intend.  Making a change can be threatening, even in these small ways, as separation can be interpreted as rejection.

It’s important to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own well-being.  How you handle each situation will depend on your history and sense of comfort with the other people.  Sometimes it can help to address the situation ahead of time, such as suggesting an activity that will be better suited for you or offering to bring a dish that fits your dietary needs.  In general it can help to reinforce to people how much you enjoy their company and focus on what you like about being with them, rather than on what you can’t do together.  Order coffee while they eat desert, invite someone to take a walk with you if you can’t take a cigarette break together anymore, or go out for tea instead of a meal if your budget is tight.  You are changing, and the relationship will need to change along with you.

Studies show that peers can be a big influence on making changes.  If someone in a family or friend group loses weight, quits drinking or smoking, or begins an exercise routine, it is far more likely that others will, too.  But it’s not your responsibility to make them change, or even your responsibility to make them comfortable with the changes you are making.  But showing them that despite your being different in some ways, you are still the same person they can count on in other ways, will be assuring.  Unfortunately, there will be people or situations where you will need to set limits, as compromise will not always be an option.  In those cases, learning to choose yourself over others is healthy and vital.  At first it may feel selfish or uncomfortable, but in time, you will feel more at ease.  The pride you will feel when you have successfully navigated the circumstance will make it easier the next time.

You are absolutely entitled to assert your needs in a respectful and caring way.  This is in no way the same as having a “sense of entitlement.”  It’s important that you don’t think of your needs as a burden.  Most people who care about you want you to take care of yourself in the long run.  They won’t mind a bit of inconvenience as a way to support you in your goals.  In fact, often when you ask for help, people are happy to give it.  And when you have a chance to reciprocate, it just may deepen your ability to be authentic with and supportive of one another.