While I’ve alluded to it in other blog posts, an aspect to successful change that’s often overlooked is assertiveness.  For many of us, not wanting to inconvenience people or hurt someone’s feelings can be a subtle but real roadblock to maintaining changes.  So in this week’s post I thought it would be good to focus attention on being more comfortable with asking for what you need.

Most people don’t want to be “that person.”  You know, the one in the group who makes a fuss about having a meal prepared in a certain way or having the seating chart altered to accommodate their issues.  We want to be gracious and grateful when someone invites us to dinner or includes us in a celebration.  But at the same time, it can pose a real dilemma when we’re trying to make a change that’s important to us, balancing our own needs and preferences while blending in with others.

When your friends are all having a cocktail or taking a cigarette break, it’s really hard to say no.  Besides fighting the desire to actually have one, often the bigger issue is the sense of disconnection it creates with people we care about.  Suddenly we are different, declaring ourselves as not like the others anymore, which can feel awkward.  Sometimes, it can even take on a feeling of competition or judgment.  Ever turn down dessert while out with friends, only to have people react with “Oh, she’s going to be good.”  It suddenly becomes a comparative situation that you did not intend.  Making a change can be threatening, even in these small ways, as separation can be interpreted as rejection.

It’s important to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, but not at the expense of your own well-being.  How you handle each situation will depend on your history and sense of comfort with the other people.  Sometimes it can help to address the situation ahead of time, such as suggesting an activity that will be better suited for you or offering to bring a dish that fits your dietary needs.  In general it can help to reinforce to people how much you enjoy their company and focus on what you like about being with them, rather than on what you can’t do together.  Order coffee while they eat desert, invite someone to take a walk with you if you can’t take a cigarette break together anymore, or go out for tea instead of a meal if your budget is tight.  You are changing, and the relationship will need to change along with you.

Studies show that peers can be a big influence on making changes.  If someone in a family or friend group loses weight, quits drinking or smoking, or begins an exercise routine, it is far more likely that others will, too.  But it’s not your responsibility to make them change, or even your responsibility to make them comfortable with the changes you are making.  But showing them that despite your being different in some ways, you are still the same person they can count on in other ways, will be assuring.  Unfortunately, there will be people or situations where you will need to set limits, as compromise will not always be an option.  In those cases, learning to choose yourself over others is healthy and vital.  At first it may feel selfish or uncomfortable, but in time, you will feel more at ease.  The pride you will feel when you have successfully navigated the circumstance will make it easier the next time.

You are absolutely entitled to assert your needs in a respectful and caring way.  This is in no way the same as having a “sense of entitlement.”  It’s important that you don’t think of your needs as a burden.  Most people who care about you want you to take care of yourself in the long run.  They won’t mind a bit of inconvenience as a way to support you in your goals.  In fact, often when you ask for help, people are happy to give it.  And when you have a chance to reciprocate, it just may deepen your ability to be authentic with and supportive of one another.

Warning:  The Dial Technique may sound a little strange when I describe it.  I thought so too when I first heard about it, but after using it for myself (darn migraines) and with many of my clients, I can honestly tell you that it can help you manage cravings, moods, and even pain.  It’s easy to do and you can use it anywhere.  All you need is your imagination and a willing attitude.

Decide on the emotional or physical state you would like to dial up or down.  Perhaps you’d like to feel less anxious about an interview, for example.  Take a few moments and really focus on it. What does your anxiety feel like?  Where do you feel it?  Is there a knot in your stomach, are your muscles tense, does your head feel like its throbbing?  What thoughts are you having?  Are you thinking about how your mind will go blank or worrying you will say something ridiculous?  And what behaviors are you doing?  Is your leg shaking, are you breathing rapidly, is your heart racing?  Become aware of all of your senses connected to the state you want to change.  Now, imagine a dial with the numbers 1 through 10 written on it, like the volume knob on a radio.  Think of the dial being in control of the intensity of the state you are aware of.   Now turn the dial up.

Yes, the first step is to turn the dial up to increase the intensity of the anxiety.  As you turn it up a few numbers, see how much you can increase your experience.  See how far you can go to make your anxiety match the number on the dial.  Tighten the knot in your stomach, let your leg shake, and mind race.  Feel your heart pound and breathing become more rapid.  Now go another small turn of the dial up.  See how high you can go in your anxious experience.  Notice all that goes along with it.  Hold it at this number for a minute or two as best as you can tolerate.  Now, turn it down.  Turn the dial to a lower number and let your anxiety drop.  Feel the relief as you begin to let go and relax a little bit.  Is your stomach settling a bit?  Is your breathing slowing down and heart rate dropping?  Focus your attention on reducing the experience of anxiety in all the ways that you can.  Once you feel this, turn the dial down just a little more.  Focus your attention once again on reducing your experience of anxiety as fully as possible.  Now, play with your dial.  Turn it up, then turn it down.  Practice your ability to have your experience match the number on the dial.  Over time, if you keep practicing, you can become better and better at it.  In doing so, you have given yourself a control knob to manage your anxiety no matter where you are.

I first learned the Dial Technique a long time ago when I studied hypnosis.  It has recently come back into fashion with the focus on mindfulness in mind/body medicine.  The point of the technique is for you to become as aware of your sensations as possible, and to realize that you have the power to alter them.  It is a mini biofeedback session you can do with yourself.  You first turn it up as a way of really emphasizing what is going on related to your emotional or physical state and to see that you can affect it if you try.  Turning it up is a much easier place to start.  Once you realize that you can turn it up,  you then have the tool to turn it down as well.

This technique can be used for quite a broad range of experiences.  It has been used successfully with depression, anxiety and panic disorder, headaches, back pain, and even stress and anger management.  I use it in my quit smoking class to help people lower the intensity of their cravings. You can also use it to highlight feelings of joy or contentment, even excitement or love.  Whatever you personally decide to dial up or down, you’ll find it gets easier with practice.   The more you can use it when you are feeling relatively okay, the greater the range of intensity you will be able to master. And while it’s not a miracle cure that can take away all of your discomfort, it is a nice little technique to help you cope a little bit better.  So, the next time you don’t like what you’re feeling…try turning that dial!

Often we think of change in terms of the goals we’re trying to achieve and the changes we’re hoping to make.  But sometimes the most influential change comes from circumstances we do not choose.  Life brings unexpected changes that alter our lives in profound ways.  Getting laid off from a job, finding out you have cancer, or having someone close to you die are all normal parts of living, but they can sure make life feel abnormal.   Even events that are positive, such as a promotion, can come about as a surprise, and with it comes a period of adjustment.  Today’s blog will offer some ways to cope with sudden changes, with the hope it may help support you when you need it.

The most common reaction to a sudden change is to ask the question, “WHY?”  We wonder what brought about our fate, racking our brain for some kind of explanation that helps us to make sense of things.  But early in our coping, it may be better not to focus on the why.  While it’s a normal response to try to help us gain control over what feels beyond our control, it can paralyze us in a state of helplessness.  Often the answers to “why”come later, when we have both the perspective and time to make meaning out of what has happened.  In the short term, try to focus on the “whats.”  What can I do about it?  What CAN I control?  What support or help can I ask for?  What information do I need and what is my next step?

There is a normal process of grieving in every change, but especially in sudden, unexpected change.  Along with the loss of how things used to be, there is the loss of a sense of safety and predictability in the world.  It’s normal to feel overwhelmed and vulnerable.  You may experience sleep disturbances, problems concentrating, appetite changes, and an extreme preoccupation with your situation.  These are all normal responses as your mind and body process the change you’re going through.  Make sure you eat good food and take Vitamin B to help your body’s resilience against stress.  Get any amount of exercise you can, even if it’s just a brief walk.  Research shows that moving your body helps move stress through us and helps our brain process more holistically.  Educate yourself about your situation, but only from trusted sources.  Going on the internet to find a diagnosis may only make your fear and sense of vulnerability worse.  Schedule time for meeting with people you care about and who you feel safe with.  Focusing on what you do have in your life is a help to the pull of feeling all is lost.

In time, whatever change you have been subjected to will become the new normal.  Your life may never go back to the way it was, but it will become stable once again.  It’s then that we can find meaning in our growth from the change or evaluate what lessons we can learn from the circumstance.  But in the meantime, be good to yourself.  Don’t expect yourself to remember to pick up the milk or send the birthday card.  Life in transition can feel crazy and chaotic, even more so when you watch everyone about you going on with their lives while our own life feels blown apart.  I have a friend who wanted to wear a sign that said, “My mother just died,” so people would understand her distractedness.  To the extent you feel that you can, go ahead and let people know what you’re going through and what you need. Now is the time to let people help you and for you to be open to new experiences.  Sometimes it’s the small unexpected blessings that help us endure the times of big unexpected change.

Although it’s become a common joke to say we need to go to our “happy place” when we’re feeling irritated, I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the need for sanctuary.  For me, sanctuary is not necessarily a happy place, but a place where we can be in relationship with ourselves in whatever mood we’re in.  By knowing more about what we feel, we can better tend to what we really need.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, sanctuary is “a place of safety or refuge.”  It can also have a religious or spiritual aspect, when we think of sanctuary as a holy place.  Where is your Sanctuary?  Is it your home, your room, a nook, or spot by a tree? Or is it a time of day, lying in bed in the morning or watching the sunset?  Each of us needs to have a time and a place where we can find safety, both physical and emotional in nature.  It is amazing how difficult this can be.  Sometimes our homes are places of chaos and conflict.  Where do we go?  And even if we have a quiet space in our lives, the boundaries of this sanctuary are difficult to maintain.

Sanctuary is where we cultivate our reflective self, an experience increasingly hard to do in our Information Age.  The 20^th century philosopher Martin Heidegger was concerned about the influence of technology on self awareness back in 1954.  (Don’t be too impressed, I got this from the author James McWilliams in his article Saving the Self in the World of the Selfie.)  Heidegger expressed his concern about the loss of “nearness,” which he defined as a mental island where we can stand and affirm the phenomena of our own experience.  He didn’t even know about smart phones or Facebook .  With social media, the boundaries of our lives have been permanently altered.  Even when we’re alone, we’re exposed to the social world of comparisons.  I think about a young woman who wasn’t asked to the prom.  She had to be happy for her friends all day at school, but even when she came home, she couldn’t escape it.  Her friends sent her pictures of their dresses and hair style ideas.  While I am definitely not anti-technology (I’m writing a blog for heaven’s sake) I do think we need to be aware of the loss of sanctuary when the boundaries between social and private are so permeable.

I also like to think of sanctuary not just as a noun, but as a verb.  It can be an active inner process allowing our experience to emerge without judgment.   Am I sad, am I feeling rejected, am I lonely or am I excited?  The more we can create sanctuary for our feelings, the better we become at tolerating a full range of emotions. This is a very important component of mental and physical health.  When we can face our discomfort, we learn that we can feel it and tend to it without having to drown it out with alcohol, a cigarette, or a trip to the refrigerator.  We can gain more control over our behavior by being more aware of its emotional roots.  In Alcoholics Anonymous they use the word HALT:  when you crave a drink, you ask yourself am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired?  How would we know unless we have “nearness?”

So how can you create sanctuary?   Is there a place in your home you can claim and make your own?  Is there a time of day you can make sacred?  You don’t have to empty your mind in deep meditation or do some fancy visualization.  Just be you, with only you.  My hope is, maybe over time, this “you experience” will become your happy place.