Every time there’s a Leap Year, I fantasize about the extra day.  I think, since it’s a bonus day, it should be a day to play!  But do I ever take the day off?  Not once.  Just like most responsible adults, I find it really challenging to give myself permission to do something just for the fun of it.  But, as children know, play is vitally important.  It not only feels good to do, but it can actually be a great tool to help us make changes in our life and develop beneficial skills.

Developmental psychologists lucky enough to study play for a living have learned about play’s important function in helping children learn and gain mastery in many areas.  Children will try out new behaviors, roles, and activities in a way that is generally stress free because there are few consequences.  If you get caught stealing a base in a backyard game of baseball, you can laugh it off without angry fans.  If you dress up like a King and demand everyone eat only pizza, you never have to face Parliament on Monday.  But soon enough, as children grow, their activities become more structured and stress comes along with it.  Taking the same risk and getting caught stealing a base in Little League, it’s not so fun (have you ever witnessed the adults!).    By the time we’re in high school, so little is left of our protected world of play, no wonder we are all so stressed and anxious.  Everything we do is evaluated and critiqued, measuring our performance in line with expectations.  Even our leisure time tends to be filled with purposeful activity, such as going to the gym to lose weight, reading a book to better our business knowledge, or going to a committee meeting for our kid’s school.

Just because we don’t have time to play anymore, doesn’t mean we don’t still need it.  Play allows us to experiment and expand our minds and ways of being.  It helps us do things we wouldn’t ordinarily do.  We take risks when we play, pushing the limits of our creativity and capacities.  In doing so, play can offer a safe place to try out some of the changes we want to make, but are reluctant to do in an environment more consequential.  Let me give you a few examples of people who have inspired me.  A man who was afraid to give public presentations at work signed up for an Improv class.  He told me he had never had so much fun making a complete fool of himself.  Compared to that, public speaking for work became much easier!  A woman who needed to start exercising for her health just dreaded the gym and found even walking around her neighborhood a chore.  She had the idea to buy a bright yellow Cruiser bike, complete with basket and bell, and rides it around town to get coffee and run all her errands.  She tells me she has so much fun with it, she never thinks of it as exercise, even now that she and a friend ride every Sunday to the next town over for brunch, a total of 14 miles!

We need play just as much as our children.  I work with so many people who drink or who spend hours on the internet because it’s the only way they can find a release from responsibilities.  They describe being able to be silly when they have a margarita or have a delightful distraction from work when they follow a link to a new shopping site or become voyeurs in other people’s lives.  Wouldn’t we feel better if we could just give ourselves the permission to have fun without the need for a drink or a link?  We don’t need an excuse to play, we just need our own permission.  So all of us hard working, take care of everything, responsible, mature adults, let’s get serious about being playful!  Who knows what we might discover, you just might feel great wearing that crown!

Every year, right about now, I lose steam with my New Year’s resolutions.  In January I start with such good intentions and a thoughtful, reasonable plan.  But my hopeful fresh attitude begins slipping as reality sets in and my progress plateaus.  With the novelty of doing things differently definitely fading, I hear myself utter phrases that begin with, “I was never good at” or “I just don’t have the talent to.” With resignation and discouragement on the rise, I chalk up my limitations to the inherent qualities of who I am and will always be.  But this year I aim to catch this, what scientist Carol Dweck calls “fixed mindset,” and re-approach my resolutions with a renewed attitude that her research shows will help me push through.

According to Dweck, a Stanford researcher and author of the book Mindset, there are two basic ways to think about our efforts.  One is a non-learning or “fixed mindset” that attributes the cause of our success to what talents or “gifts” we were born with.  It assumes that we can take a test or measure our abilities in a particular area and predict our future achievement.  In this perspective, nature wins out over nurture, and we can only go as far as our set abilities will take us. In a learning or “growth mindset”, we attribute our achievement more closely to the result of our efforts.  Rather than thinking our potential is tied to a given talent or “gift” for something, we calculate our capacity according to what more we can learn.  A growth mindset assumes adaptability and an open ended potential for every individual.

The most interesting part of Dweck’s large body of research is what she found to be the outcome of each mindset, with a growth mindset repeatedly producing more success.  Teachers’ with a growth mindset actually have higher achieving students on average.  They believe that each child can learn and improve, no matter what their starting point is.  Children praised for effort, rather than achievement, will work harder and improve more than children who are rewarded for outcome.  In fact, research shows that believing you are special or naturally talented in some area tends to actually cause people to reduce their effort.  Afraid to expose their weakness, since it’s unchangeable, people with a fixed mindset will take fewer risks out of fear that they will run in to the limit of their talent.

Our mindset effects how we handle setbacks.  If we believe that failure is a result of lack of talent, we will tend to withdraw and lose confidence.  If we believe our failure is a lack of the right effort, we are more likely to respond by staying with the goal and tailor our learning to overcome our obstacles.  Rather than feeling our failure defines us, we will maintain the confidence to keep trying and learn from our mistakes.  American culture tends to favor a fixed mindset.  We assume that you are either good at Math or not, or are an athlete, or not.  Asian culture, on the other hand, is much more growth mindset oriented.  As a result, a typical Math student from Japan will spend almost ten times longer working on a challenging Math problem before they ask for help or give up than an American student.

So, before I give up on my New Year’s goals and conclude they’re not for me, I need to rethink my attitude.  I don’t want to let my fears of being inadequate get in my way or become an excuse, so I need to get a hold of my mindset.  As I shift to a growth mindset, I ask myself what do I need to learn or adjust in order to move forward?  And in fact, as I do this, I notice I feel more hopeful.  After all, there is no deadline for growth.  It can come at any time of year!

I know it’s been a long time, but remember back to when you were learning to read.  First you had to memorize the alphabet and all the sounds.  Then you had to painstakingly sound out single words to such thrillers as “See Jane run” or “Chad is sad.”  But after years of practice, you are now skimming through this post attending to its meaning without needing to think about the process of reading at all.  This ability is due to the brain’s amazing complexity and the formation of neural networks, intricate patterns of brain connections which are the biological basis of complex learning and habit formation.  Understanding the role of neural networks can help you be more effective in making even the most difficult changes.

Our brain has 100 billion little computers, or neurons, that establish connections when we experience something new.  These networks form a database of information, such as thoughts, feelings, actions, and beliefs.  We begin growing these connections from the moment we’re conceived, learning to eat, walk and talk.  The formation of networks allows us to go about our day with our usual behavior being automatic so that we can focus on what we choose.  With recent discoveries in brain imaging, scientists have learned why repetition is so important in learning.  The more you repeat a thought or behavior, the more solidly a neural network is established and reinforced.  It’s like your brain building highways instead of having to use back roads.

New techniques in brain imaging have also discovered that the brain is quite capable of forming new connections at any age.  This is known as brain plasticity.  The most effective way of creating new networks or rewiring habits is through repetition and intensity.  Repetition is simply practice, practice, practice, actively choosing to do the same thing again and again.  By consciously doing the same new behavior, over time, you make the neural pathway for the new behavior the preferred one.  So, for example, if every day you have tea after dinner instead of the cookie you usually have, in about three weeks, the tea will be your new habit. You will actually look forward to it.  But you have to be consistent and do the same behavior.  If one day you have tea, and one day you go for a walk, it will be more difficult to replace the cookie with a new habit.

Emotions play a big role in the wiring of brain connections.  As a means of survival, intense experiences such as your wedding day or a car accident are highly effective at creating neural networks and influencing behavior.  So be mindful of your thoughts and feelings. The more you think about how scary something is, the more fearful you will become. So the more you can think about times when you were courageous, the more your courage will be wired in.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just open our skull and disconnect a neural network for substance abuse, anger outbursts, or calling your ex-boyfriend?  Perhaps someday we will be able to.  In the mean time, habit change takes considerable effort.  Neural networks are the reason why you don’t have to relearn everything, including the alphabet, each time you read, but they’re also why we have to be so consistent in order to change.  It takes motivation and sustained effort to rewire our brain.  Not only do we have to commit to doing something new again and again, but we need to attend to our emotions and attitudes around this behavior as well.  Do your best to make a change meaningful and reward your accomplishments  By actively engaging your heart, mind, and muscles simultaneously, over time, you can establish change in your brain and change in your life, no matter how old or wired you are.

Last week I described the concept of the shadow.  In psychological terms, it’s the mysterious part of our selves created when we repress, or push out of our own awareness, thoughts or feelings we find inconsistent with who we want to be.  While it’s hard for us to see our shadows, our partners can see them more clearly, causing misunderstandings and real problems in relationships.  So this week I want to encourage you to look for your shadow because, while we all like chocolate for Valentine’s Day, maybe some self awareness and acceptance can be even better for your relationship.

Our shadow casts on others, particularly the ones closest to us.   We project, or see our own shadow characteristics in others, denying it in ourselves.   The people on whom we project probably do have the characteristic we are projecting, but the projection intensifies our perception of it, causing us to judge it with a harshness and irritation that is unnatural for the situation.  We can be overly sensitive to our partners, reactionary, and leave them feeling the rejection.  For example we may accuse our partner of being angry, when it is actually we who are angry, or complain our partner has such high expectations when it is our own standards we are falling short of.  Because we don’t see ourselves the way our partners do, these shadow exchanges can leave couples feeling extremely misunderstood and bewildered by each other’s experience of the same situation.

Because of its very nature of the shadow, it’s hard to see your shadow directly.  Instead, you have to sneak up on it and approach it from the side.  One way to identify your shadow is to consider times when you’re especially reactive.  When you become judgmental or hateful toward another person, you may be projecting your own shadow.  Another way is notice “misunderstood” behaviors.  Sometimes what we think we are expressing is not what other people perceive.  For example our shadow may be apparent when we think we are being nice to someone we dislike, but our friends describe our behavior as rude.  Dreams and fantasies can also give us clues to our shadow, as these are times when our guard is down.  And then there are “slips,” sometimes referred to as Freudian slips, when we inadvertently say or do what we really feel or think.  And finally, notice your opposites.  Make a list of the traits you highly value, than consider their contrast.   In what ways do we have these traits as well?

When people can embrace their shadows, there’s a tendency to develop more warmth, self-confidence, and an understanding of other people.  We become less afraid of our common humanity and are more comfortable with ourselves and ourselves in relationship.  We have a clearer picture of what is “mine” and what is “yours” in our relationships, recognizing what might be a projection on to our partner, and take responsibility for it.  We can increase our intimacy when we can be vulnerable and authentic with our feelings, instead of rigidly defending ourselves in self righteousness at the expense of our relationship.  In fact, we can actually use our partner as a consultant on our own “shadow self.”  By seeing the world through your partner’s eyes, if even for a minute, we might be able to grow.

So, if you feel inspired to do some shadow hunting, there a few things you will need.  First you must be brave.  A sense of humor and self compassion helps, too, because these are the parts of yourself that you’ve been hiding from.  Prepare to feel shame or guilt when you confront it, as this is the shadow’s biggest weapon.  And so what’s your biggest weapon?  Curiosity.  When you think you’ve encountered your shadow, ask yourself about it:  “I wonder why I’m so angry over what she said?” or “Everyone else thinks he’s funny, why does he bother me so much?”  Use these opportunities as a chance to reflect on yourself instead of the other.  The shadow has a lot to offer if we are willing to encounter it.  Remember, the goal is not to kill it off, but to make peace with it.  So save some love for your shadows this Valentine’s Day.  It may be the parts of you most in need of the attention.

With Groundhog’s Day (great movie, by the way) upon us, I thought it was the perfect time to think about shadows.  In psychology, the shadow is a fascinating concept that is both mysterious and complex.  And while I can’t promise that seeing your shadow will help you predict the weather like old “Punxsutawney Phil” in Pennsylvania, I do know from experience that facing your shadow can help you live more fully, even if you don’t know when Spring is coming.

The shadow, according to depth psychology, is the collection of characteristics you don’t like or can’t accept about yourself, and therefore tend to push aside and do not see. The shadow begins in childhood and develops throughout your life.  As you grow up, certain traits and behaviors are rewarded and praised by parents, teachers, and people who matter to you.  These traits become associated with your identity and an image of yourself, such as being honest or kind.  In order to maintain a consistent sense of self, any thoughts and feelings strongly incompatible with these traits, such as vengeful thoughts or jealous feelings, are cast aside from awareness, or repressed, making up your shadow.

The problem is these unacceptable thoughts and feelings live on despite your denial of them.  When you repress a trait into the shadow, you lose the ability to consciously explore it and use it skillfully.  Therefore, it tends to come out in ways that you aren’t in control of, such as repressed anger erupting as a tantrum or slipping in as passive aggressive behavior.  The more you try to see yourself as one particular trait, the more of your whole self and your range of experience you lose.  In other words, the brighter the sun, the bigger the shadow.

Psychological health and flexibility involves being able to experience a variety of thoughts and feelings, even conflicting ones.  Otherwise, your shadow may result in psychological symptoms, such as anxiety or depression.  Or it may result in behavior that could undermine your efforts in love and work.  Interestingly, the shadow is not only made up of what we think of as negative traits.  You can also repress parts of yourself that may be positive, such as high esteem if you grow up in a house where you taught not to be “prideful,” or ambition when you highly value yourself as a “giving” person.

Your shadow can be an important source for finding balance in your life:  between being lazy and driven, fearful and courageous, deceptive and honest, insecure and confident, or rational and irrational.  Learning to tolerate your conflicting emotions can actually help you make peace with yourself and be more tolerant and compassionate with others.  It can also make your life richer and more interesting.  In fact, the shadow can be a great muse in artful expression or creativity. So join the groundhog, climb out of your hole and look for your shadow.  It may just surprise you how much fun it can be in the sun!

Note:  With Valentine’s Day approaching, my next blog will focus on how to identify and work with your shadow, especially in relationships with those we love (and hate 😉