The celebrations that bring family together so often this time of year can be a mixed blessing.  These gatherings can trigger us into old patterns, placing us within our old family role.  Parents and siblings see us and treat us as they have in the past, and without even realizing it, we begin to act that way.  No matter how old we are, and despite how hard we have worked to be different and feel like a grown up, it seems so easy to slip into being who we were.

As the saying goes, we don’t choose our family and so even though we may love them, spending time together can be tricky in a number of potential ways.  It tends to bring up old family hurts that may never have been resolved or even talked about.  These old hurts simmer under the surface and are easily reignited.  Engaging in family traditions can be so lovely and help preserve memories of the past, but not all of these memories are pleasant. Some people feel an alienating sense of not belonging, even within their own family.  And if you are spending a lot of time with your partner’s family, it’s easy to feel on the outside or be pulled into unexpected dynamics based on your partner’s role in the family.   For those of you who have experienced a loss of a family member, your grief may be even more pronounced, and you may find the reminders of how the family used to be very difficult.

Before you find yourself saying, “It was like I was 13 years old again,” here are some ideas for helping you sustain the changes you’ve made in life and withstand the regressive pull.

• Be really clear within yourself who you are now compared to who you were. Ask yourself what changes you have made that are important to you.  Some may be obvious, like, I eat healthy now, or I am financially independent.  Some may be more subtle, like I can express my feelings more directly now.  By highlighting what is important to you, you’re more likely to pay attention to preserving it.
• Location, location, location. Be active in picking where you sit and who you talk to.  Pick a seat near people you enjoy talking to and circulate if you are heading to a conversation that feels like an old trap.  Go for a walk and take a break if necessary, using the time to get back in touch with the adult you.  Think ahead of time of past triggers, like your brother reminding you of your ex-husband or your mother asking when you are going to have kids, and be prepared.  Practice some responses that can deflect the question and protect you.  If you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner, be a team.  Have a signal that indicates you could use their support and could they please join in.
• Be a scientist. Take an observer role, noting what is going on around you without getting pulled into it.  By looking in as an outsider, you can remain detached.  Also, look for how others may actually have changed!  They may appreciate you noticing their efforts and accomplishments.  Ask questions; engage as an adult to another adult.
• Change things up. Add some new family traditions that don’t involve memories of you when you were that awkward 11 year old.  Choose something you enjoy where you can be in charge and that highlights your strengths and interests.  Lead a hike, host a meal at your home, or play music you enjoy.

Remember that you are an adult in charge of your own family now, even if that family is just you.  Take care of your family, and try to focus on the love you feel and want to give.