I must confess, in years past I was pretty negative about New Years Resolutions.  I seemed to make the same ones each year and so they felt pretty meaningless.  I would roll my eyes at the big crowd at the gym in January, knowing most would be gone by March.  My husband, on the other hand, was much more positive.  He loved making New Year’s Resolutions and spent quite a bit of time thinking which ones he would choose.   He actually looked forward to the chance to commit himself to something and was never deterred from past failure.

Perhaps he’s worn me down over the years , or perhaps a result of my years of teaching Health Ed classes with overflowing attendance in January, but my attitude has changed.  Seeing my husband’s enthusiasm combined with the look on the faces of all the eager people in my classes, I started to embrace the appeal of a fresh start to the New Year.  What is wrong with setting out with hope and good intention?  Isn’t it better to set them and be mindful of what changes you want to make, even if it only lasts a few months?  And even if the changes don’t last forever, perhaps you can learn and incorporate one or two new ways of doing things?  So, now I do make them each year, and actually enjoy the process.  Like making a wish on my birthday candles, I try to choose my resolutions wisely, with a dose of dreaming allowed.

Just to get myself in the mood this year, I looked up the definition of “resolution.”  Several meanings grabbed my attention as good inspiration (Collins English Dictionary):

1. A formal expression of an intention
2. The act of determining upon a course of action or procedure
3. A resolve or determination
4. Reduction to a simpler form
5. A settlement of a problem or controversy

These seem to combine to make a great recipe for transformation.  The first step to making any change is to formally define the goal and set your intention (1).  Then you determine your course of action (2) and add a heaping dose of resolve (3).  Keep it as simple as possible (4) and settle into the new way of being (5).

And the best thing about resolutions?  You can keep making them! Each year, each month, each day offers the opportunity for a fresh start.  Happy New Year!  May this year be full of love and meaning.

The celebrations that bring family together so often this time of year can be a mixed blessing.  These gatherings can trigger us into old patterns, placing us within our old family role.  Parents and siblings see us and treat us as they have in the past, and without even realizing it, we begin to act that way.  No matter how old we are, and despite how hard we have worked to be different and feel like a grown up, it seems so easy to slip into being who we were.

As the saying goes, we don’t choose our family and so even though we may love them, spending time together can be tricky in a number of potential ways.  It tends to bring up old family hurts that may never have been resolved or even talked about.  These old hurts simmer under the surface and are easily reignited.  Engaging in family traditions can be so lovely and help preserve memories of the past, but not all of these memories are pleasant. Some people feel an alienating sense of not belonging, even within their own family.  And if you are spending a lot of time with your partner’s family, it’s easy to feel on the outside or be pulled into unexpected dynamics based on your partner’s role in the family.   For those of you who have experienced a loss of a family member, your grief may be even more pronounced, and you may find the reminders of how the family used to be very difficult.

Before you find yourself saying, “It was like I was 13 years old again,” here are some ideas for helping you sustain the changes you’ve made in life and withstand the regressive pull.

• Be really clear within yourself who you are now compared to who you were. Ask yourself what changes you have made that are important to you.  Some may be obvious, like, I eat healthy now, or I am financially independent.  Some may be more subtle, like I can express my feelings more directly now.  By highlighting what is important to you, you’re more likely to pay attention to preserving it.
• Location, location, location. Be active in picking where you sit and who you talk to.  Pick a seat near people you enjoy talking to and circulate if you are heading to a conversation that feels like an old trap.  Go for a walk and take a break if necessary, using the time to get back in touch with the adult you.  Think ahead of time of past triggers, like your brother reminding you of your ex-husband or your mother asking when you are going to have kids, and be prepared.  Practice some responses that can deflect the question and protect you.  If you are lucky enough to have a supportive partner, be a team.  Have a signal that indicates you could use their support and could they please join in.
• Be a scientist. Take an observer role, noting what is going on around you without getting pulled into it.  By looking in as an outsider, you can remain detached.  Also, look for how others may actually have changed!  They may appreciate you noticing their efforts and accomplishments.  Ask questions; engage as an adult to another adult.
• Change things up. Add some new family traditions that don’t involve memories of you when you were that awkward 11 year old.  Choose something you enjoy where you can be in charge and that highlights your strengths and interests.  Lead a hike, host a meal at your home, or play music you enjoy.

Remember that you are an adult in charge of your own family now, even if that family is just you.  Take care of your family, and try to focus on the love you feel and want to give.

We think of laughter, party conversation, Christmas carols, and “ho ho ho” as the lovely sounds of the holiday season.  But in today’s blog post I want to appreciate and encourage you to make some room for silence.  Taking some quiet time can have both calming effects and create space for meaningful experiences that tend to get lost in the noise.

I am as guilty as anyone of turning on the radio or picking up my phone whenever I have a free minute.  It’s almost instinctual now, with so many accessible ways to entertain ourselves and fill our heads with new information.   Because we’re so conditioned to it, however, it’s easy to overlook how this “noise” fills the space about us and, without us even knowing it, creates barriers both between ourselves and other people and between ourselves and our own experience.

In order to get silence, we have to create it.  It can feel strange at first, and even uncomfortable.  Ironically, one of the hardest things to learn as you study to become a therapist is how to tolerate silence and how to “do” or “say” nothing.  Quickly you learn, however, that silence can be a powerful intervention.  When we are quiet, deeper thoughts and feelings come up.  We can allow our minds to follow a progression of images and memories, associations and intuitions.  Without having to put these experiences into words, we can just be in them.  Silence can enhance our connections and creative thinking as we set our minds free of expectations.

Silence also enhances listening.  When we have quiet, we suddenly notice how loud everything is:  the sound of the wind, the ticking of the clock, footsteps in the hallway.  We become more tuned in to the world and the experience of others.  We become better listeners.  Rather than thinking about what we are going to say next, we give our full attention to hear.

Silence also has the magic power of giving us time.  When you’re silent, life seems to slow down.  (Have you ever noticed how a “moment of silence” can feel like a long time?)  Use this power for the sake of good.  Let the worried thoughts that may pop up in silence wash over you and realize they don’t have to take over.  If it helps, give yourself a pleasant experience by remembering someone you loved who is no longer with you, or appreciate something about yourself, your loved ones, or whatever is right around you.

So, along with all the hustle and bustle and loud merriment, try a change this season.  Give yourself some quiet time to connect to what you love.  Silence can be like an empty gift box to fill with whatever delight you desire.

When December rolls in, good habits tend to roll out.  Multiple parties, cookie exchanges, and the irresistible toffee your investment club member makes you each year (yes, you, Janet) present layer upon layer of tests to the changes you’re making in your life.  Each year, I hear similar stories of how easy it is to revert back to old habits in December with the best of intentions of starting over in the New Year.  But what I also notice each year is, although people start out with these good intentions, the feeling of failure hangs on and gets in the way of getting back to the successful change.

So here is a change to help you stay on track this December.  Think of December as a celebration month for your change.  Focus on self care and health with the entire month as the time frame.  Engage in self care and goal tracking each and every day, the way an explorer tackles the varied terrain of each day’s journey to make it across a large expanse.  Here are some practical tips to help guide you on your December path.

Plan ahead.  I can’t tell you how important this is for people resisting relapse.  Rate what you will encounter each day and evening as a low/medium/high risk situation.  Review what your triggers may be and create a plan for how you will handle them ahead of time.  Rehearse and have a prepared line for how you can gracefully decline offers of food, drink, or substances you are refraining from.  It really helps to let people know ahead of time, if possible, what your dietary or self care needs are.  Not only will this help you be accountable, but people are surprisingly accommodating if you share your needs.

Keep a Sense of Control.  Do what you can to keep your options open and to control what you can.  Driving yourself to events can be a big help so that you can leave if you feel the need.  Also, bring your own choices of food or beverages.  If you are worried about alcohol intake, bring your own sparkling cider or non-alcoholic option.  Or bring a healthier food option that you prepare the way you enjoy.  And by all means, bring your support system!  Having a friend or partner who knows what you are trying to do can make a huge difference.  Especially in stressful social situations (and boy can family events trigger our childhood responding) bring a person who can be your ally.

Be pro-active.   Take good care of your overall well being as a top priority.  Don’t starve yourself all day because you are going to a party that night.  Your low blood sugar will make you tired, stressed, and vulnerable.  Exercise any way you can, even if it is a quick walk around the block to reduce your tension at a family gathering or work party.  Make sure you keep using the tools that you have been using to support your change.  December is not the time to skip a support group meeting or pass on your daily meditation.  In fact, double down on those helpful habits!

Keep track.  Keeping a food journal, exercise log, or simply writing down how you feel each day is remarkably successful.  It helps to keep you in touch with your body and emotions so that you don’t  just wake up to how you are doing when it’s too late to change it.

Most of all, be kind to yourself.  Write down what a successful December would be for you and imagine how you would feel on January first if you were to meet this goal.  Make some tip sheets for yourself to keep on your refrigerator, in your wallet, and in your car.  Remind yourself every day of your plan and know that the confidence you will gain by successfully managing December is better than the fleeting pleasure of any end of the year indulgence.  Keeping to your goal is truly a gift that keeps on giving!