A central theme of the Jewish New Year, which is celebrated this week, is forgiveness.  It is a time of reflection to take stock of our lives and do our best to make amends to the people we feel we need to make things right with.  It is also a time for letting go.  We consider what is holding us back and weighing us down, and do our best to release it.   To be honest, I have tended to focus on the side of relieving my guilt and trying to make up for what wrongs I feel have done, hoping to be forgiven.  In a way, however, this has been selfish, because as I have been thinking about forgiveness this year, I realize forgiving others is just as important a process in healing the wounds in relationship and for truly having an open heart.

When I began to think about being forgiving, some obvious situations came to mind as times where I had been hurt or wronged.  But then as I more carefully began to notice my feelings, I discovered how often I was putting myself in the role of a victim and carrying past resentments with me into the present.  For example, I was heading to a meeting at my daughter’s school and found myself unsettled at the thought that a particular mother would probably be there.  This was a woman that I had felt wronged by from an incident last year.  It distracted me and took away some of the good feeling I would otherwise have had.  Another day, in dealing with a family member, I found myself irritated with their asking something of me that they were not able to do for me in the past.  Rather than be able to respond to this person in the moment and feel good about it, old tapes began to play in my mind, once again reminding me of ways that this person had disappointed me that had nothing to do with the current day.  By holding a grudge, I was not only hurting myself, but creating a barrier between me and my family.

In his book, Forgive For Good, Dr. Fred Luskin explores the benefits of forgiveness.  Motivated by his own personal experience, he began to research the healing aspects of forgiveness.  What he found is that people who forgive tend to be happier and healthier, both physically and emotionally.  People often resist forgiving someone because they feel in some way it is saying that what had happened to them was ok.  What people find, however, is actually the opposite.  In order to forgive, we must first truly understand the hurt and fully acknowledge what we experienced.  Forgiving is about moving into the hurt and then moving through it, rather than rigidly holding onto it and allowing it to continue to live inside us.  Forgiveness is a way of moving out of resentment and freeing ourselves up.  It is an empowering change that releases us from victimhood and lets us live in the moment instead of the past.

Forgiveness is an internal process.  We may choose to talk about it with the person we are forgiving or choose not to.  Either way, by engaging in forgiveness, we shift the relationship we have with the person involved.  Forgiveness can also apply to yourself.  What anger are you holding onto about mistakes you made that might be punishing you with self judgments and shame?  If you think you are ready to do some letting go, join me in reading Dr. Luskin’s book and participating in his Forgiveness Project.  It is not an easy process, as it means taking more responsibility for our lives, but the benefit of the peace it can bring seems worth the effort.