With the official welcoming of Fall this past week, we begin to see the signs of the change of season.  In addition to the sale of “Pumpkin-Spice” everything lately, the leaves are slowly changing color, the morning air is crisp, and darkness descends earlier each day.  Personally, I love Fall.  I love to visit pumpkin patches and eat butternut squash soup.  I enjoy watching football (yes, even when the NY Giants are terrible, again) and pulling out my boots and sweaters. Somehow, the change to Fall represents the biggest transition in seasons to me, each year reminding me of the losses and new beginnings that are inevitable with change.

Besides all the things I look forward to about Fall and the abundance of the harvest at this time of year, I can’t help but feel a bitter sweetness as life around me goes dormant.  The dying leaves turn brown and fall to the ground, dried up and crunchy as I walk along the path.  The dark evenings and cold weather bring me inside, more isolated and withdrawn from the rest of the world.  For some people, the darkness brings real changes in mood, as the lack of daylight hours affects them psychologically.  Spiritually, the coming of Fall reminds me that nothing lasts forever.  Whether I am going through a period of great joy and good fortune, or loneliness and loss, the experience will give way and something new will take its place.  Life comes and goes in cycles, and we pass through the stages of our lives in rhythms, too.

There is something very reassuring to me about these transitions.  The inevitability of the season’s change reminds me that I am but one small being living in a vast natural order that needs nothing from me in order for it to occur. We all experience the changes together, a humbling reminder of our shared existence and our limited role in the celestial happenings of the Earth’s rotations.  It is also a reminder about time, a reflection of the passing of the years and a way that I notice the shifts in myself and my family from season to season and year to year. Each Halloween I remember what my kids wore every year for their costumes, from the time they picked out their little girl fairy costumes to the sophisticated plans they now make with friends.  Each Thanksgiving I note who gathers for the celebration, and who is no longer among us.  The cycles of the seasons represent both a fresh opportunity and a letting go.

The earth renews itself through death and rebirth.  The framework of this natural process inspires me through my own times of change.  I am old enough now to remember many happy times, and many dark times.  Embracing the cyclic patterns of renewal can help us cope in the times of darkness.  We know that out of the darkness comes the light and from death comes rebirth.  After Fall will be Winter, and after Winter there will be Spring.  And by the time this happens I will be ready to pack up my sweaters and pull out the sandals, listen to basketball instead of football, turn the clock forward for brighter days anticipating nature’s first bloom.

A central theme of the Jewish New Year, which is celebrated this week, is forgiveness.  It is a time of reflection to take stock of our lives and do our best to make amends to the people we feel we need to make things right with.  It is also a time for letting go.  We consider what is holding us back and weighing us down, and do our best to release it.   To be honest, I have tended to focus on the side of relieving my guilt and trying to make up for what wrongs I feel have done, hoping to be forgiven.  In a way, however, this has been selfish, because as I have been thinking about forgiveness this year, I realize forgiving others is just as important a process in healing the wounds in relationship and for truly having an open heart.

When I began to think about being forgiving, some obvious situations came to mind as times where I had been hurt or wronged.  But then as I more carefully began to notice my feelings, I discovered how often I was putting myself in the role of a victim and carrying past resentments with me into the present.  For example, I was heading to a meeting at my daughter’s school and found myself unsettled at the thought that a particular mother would probably be there.  This was a woman that I had felt wronged by from an incident last year.  It distracted me and took away some of the good feeling I would otherwise have had.  Another day, in dealing with a family member, I found myself irritated with their asking something of me that they were not able to do for me in the past.  Rather than be able to respond to this person in the moment and feel good about it, old tapes began to play in my mind, once again reminding me of ways that this person had disappointed me that had nothing to do with the current day.  By holding a grudge, I was not only hurting myself, but creating a barrier between me and my family.

In his book, Forgive For Good, Dr. Fred Luskin explores the benefits of forgiveness.  Motivated by his own personal experience, he began to research the healing aspects of forgiveness.  What he found is that people who forgive tend to be happier and healthier, both physically and emotionally.  People often resist forgiving someone because they feel in some way it is saying that what had happened to them was ok.  What people find, however, is actually the opposite.  In order to forgive, we must first truly understand the hurt and fully acknowledge what we experienced.  Forgiving is about moving into the hurt and then moving through it, rather than rigidly holding onto it and allowing it to continue to live inside us.  Forgiveness is a way of moving out of resentment and freeing ourselves up.  It is an empowering change that releases us from victimhood and lets us live in the moment instead of the past.

Forgiveness is an internal process.  We may choose to talk about it with the person we are forgiving or choose not to.  Either way, by engaging in forgiveness, we shift the relationship we have with the person involved.  Forgiveness can also apply to yourself.  What anger are you holding onto about mistakes you made that might be punishing you with self judgments and shame?  If you think you are ready to do some letting go, join me in reading Dr. Luskin’s book and participating in his Forgiveness Project.  It is not an easy process, as it means taking more responsibility for our lives, but the benefit of the peace it can bring seems worth the effort.

Change inherently means loss.  Even when you make a change that’s for the better, it means letting go of old ways, old relationships, and maybe even an older version of yourself.  Recognizing this loss as a process of grieving can help make sense of what you are feeling as you go through changes and help you cope with the array of mixed emotions that usually come along the way.

When a change happens that we didn’t want, it’s easy to understand our sense of loss.  But it can be confusing when we feel irritable or sad when we actually experience a change we’ve desired.  “What’s wrong with me?” you wonder.  Sometimes what you’re missing is obvious (like the cheesecake for dessert), but there’s also the unfolding of more subtle layers of your loss as you experience life in a new way, having given up someone or some previous way of being.  Even with a change you initiate, like moving to a new place or starting a new job, giving up the sense of yourself you had in the old environment can be difficult.  A new hometown or a new job can make us feel we have lost our identity or even our competency as we take on unfamiliar challenges, compared to the life we had mastered previously.  I remember simply finding a doctor when I moved to California being rather stressful.  It was hard not only because so few that were recommended were taking new patients, but it signaled to me that everything I had known and trusted was no longer available to me.

Giving up an old habit can be like losing a friend.  It had always been there for you when you needed it.  Even though you might have wanted to make the change for a long time, such as losing weight, going back to school, or drinking less alcohol, there will be a period of time where you feel that something is missing.  Be good to yourself.  Sadness, irritability, and questioning why you are doing it in the first place are all part of the process.  Recognize these feelings as part of your mourning period and then think about all the good things you will gain by what you are giving up.  It might also be good to give yourself a few extra treats at this time, such as a massage, dinner date, or something else you enjoy.

Don’t be afraid to talk to people about how you feel.  You’ll be surprised at how many people can relate to what you feel in response to your changes.  Just as change is inevitable, so is loss.  Grief comes in waves, but you eventually learn to live with the new reality.  Do what you can to calm the waters of your life, but also build yourself a good boat of support until you can make it to smoother sailing.

Half hearted efforts can undermine our goals. They fool us into thinking that we’ve tried and failed, when really we haven’t given ourselves a true chance for success. For example, when someone really wants to quit smoking, I often hear them promise themselves that “next week I’m going to try not to have any.” Then they look sad as they remember all the times they have “tried not to have any” before. Big life changes require a full commitment that cuts through our ambivalence and offers us maximum support. So I advise them that its time to commit to a Quit Date, when they will move from trying to quit, to actually quitting.

Choosing a date to start a change is an important psychological step. It marks the point when you transition from your old way of doing things to your new way. It helps guide you through the process of change as you select the appropriate date, prepare for it, actually do it, and then support yourself and address the challenges that arise once you make the change. In picking a Change Date, it’s important to strike the right balance of being far enough away that you’ll have time to prepare and feel mostly ready, but not so far away that you’re avoiding action. Some people like to pick a date that has emotional significance. A woman I worked with slected her upcoming birthday as the day to give notice at her job, telling herself that taking the leap to a new career was the best gift she could give herself.

On the actual Change Date it’s a good idea to do something special to mark the occasion. You can engage in some type of a ritual, such as floating some flowers in a body of water or writing a good bye letter to your habit and burning it in a fire pit. If you have a particular religious or spiritual tradition, you can use this to create a ceremony that’s personally meaningful to you. By participating in a ritual, you symbolize your transition and initiate the emotional process of letting go of something old in order to fully commit to something new.

In preparing for your Change Date, it’s important to create a careful plan for yourself. Just as marriage is not merely a wedding, your Change Date marks the transition to a new life that will have the greatest chance of success if you’ve really thought through what it is you want and how you can best support yourself in achieving it. It’s important to enter your commitment in a way that is positive (no shot gun weddings, please) and honors your new partnership with yourself. So if weeks go by when you walk by the scale telling yourself you’re going to try to eat healthier, set the date to actually step on, mark your starting point, and begin tracking your progress with a new eating plan. You might just find joy in a new habit you can count on, to have and to hold from that day forward.