In Writer’s Digest the author tells me I have to “make time to write every day” if I truly want to be a better writer.  At the gym, the poster tells me I have to “make time for regular physical activity” if I want to be healthy, and when I get home I remember my promise to myself that I would “make more time” for my marriage.  Then when I help my daughter with her homework, I remember I was planning on “making time” to talk with my other daughter about her college applications, and then I also remember promising my mother I would “make time” to help her with writing some important checks.  Experts, including our own inner critic, are all so quick to tell us that if we value something, we can “find the time” to do it.

So what magic potion am I missing?  What sorcerers spell or witch’s brew do others seem to have that I don’t that can put more hours in the day?  When I look at the clock, I just can’t do the math to add up enough time for all that I want to do.  Not to mention how to do this along with the other things I have to do, like my job, grocery shop, cook, clean up, and drive my daughter to practice.  How do I possibly make time for all of these important things?  And truly, just because I can’t figure out how, does not mean these things are not important to me.

I hear this same complaint from a lot of other people.  There is simply not enough time to do all things we have to do, so fitting in all the things we want to do feels impossible.  Telling myself I have to “make time” simply “makes me” feel guilty.  It also makes me feel sad, overwhelmed, and incredibly stressed.  It takes the joy out of life as I rush to fit things in or if I skip something and feel badly about it.  Particularly when we’re trying to make changes in our lives, such as taking better care of our health, learning a new skill, or taking on a new responsibility, this edict that you can “make time if it is important to you,” can really be demoralizing.

The fact is, it’s not healthy or productive for you to miss sleep to wake up at 5 am to exercise if you’re already exhausted, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to be committed to an exercise plan.  And you simply can’t justify ignoring your family when they need you in the evening to make sure you write every day, but that doesn’t mean you don’t really want to improve.  Even though I know it’s true that we have to prioritize and make space for new or important activities, I also think we have to be realistic about the truths of our lives.  The fact is, on any given day, we are a complex patchwork of needs and values.  Most people simply can’t have it all, at least not all at one time.  Sometimes we have to let go of or alter some of our goals or intentions in order to make room for others.  Instead of trying to vertically squish more into a calendar day, we may serve ourselves best by spreading it out horizontally over time.

In making changes that will last, we have to be mindful of our true capacity.  We have to think in the long term, balancing what desires and demands we face right now.  Sometimes we have to ask someone we love to be patient with us, as we take on another priority for a while.  Or, we may have to put off one priority until we can get a handle on a more pressing one.  Maybe last year you trained for a a 10K, but this year you have to walk instead of run for exercise because you don’t have the time to change, run, and shower and get to the class you need to take to further your career?

Stress management and healthy living is less about packing our days full of priorities, and more about mindfully balancing them throughout our lives.  Having the flexibility to accommodate shifting priorities is a life skill that takes time to learn and a dose of wisdom from experience to implement.  But letting go of the judgmental voices that tell us that we should be doing more when we know we can’t is a lifestyle change worth “making time” for.