It’s surprising how people who seem so sweet and rational, when upset, can do the most outrageous things.  In describing what happened, they often pinpoint something that someone did that suddenly provoked their behavior.  “When he did that, I just lost it,” is a common phrase.  But for people with anger issues, despite the feeling that their eruptions are caused by something that someone else did, it’s usually not the full explanation.  More commonly, it’s not really what someone did, but the story they tell themselves about it, that is the real root of their reactivity.

A woman I recently worked with was furious when she read a text by her husband when she was driving home from work.  Her husband had written that he was worried about paying their mortgage that month and wanted to spend some time reviewing their finances when she got home.  As she drove, my client became increasingly upset.  By the time she walked in the door she was furious at her husband, yelling at him about him wanting to grill her about her spending.  She pulled her checkbook from her purse and threw it across the table at him and stormed out of the room.  What had happened?  At first she blamed her husband’s text for making her angry.  But after we explored it, what actually had made her mad was the story she had told herself about her husband’s text.  Just the week before she had spent some extra money on shoes and a present for her sister.  She felt somewhat guilty about the purchases, knowing they were a bit of an indulgence.  When she received his text, she jumped to the conclusion that he was upset about her spending and was planning on “grilling her” about her spending.  In fact, when they finally talked about their spending, he was more concerned about why their electric bill had been so high.

Our interpretation of what happens in our lives is just as important, if not more important, than what actually happens.  The good news is that we can work with our interpretations.  As the phrase goes, “we can’t control what happens, only our reactions to what happens.”   Often, when we consistently overreact to situations, it’s because we have developed certain patterns in how we interpret events based on painful experiences from the past.  You might jump to conclusions that others are out to take advantage of you.  Or you may tend to feel that you always have to defend yourself from being critisized.  In addition, we also develop certain pattern with certain people, like our siblings or partners triggering certain reactions in us.  These patterns, while usually having some basis for how they developed, can be inappropriately infused in situations where our interpretation is based on our history rather than the current situation.  We create stories to fit our interpretation patterns that can get in the way of understanding the truth of a current situation, or at least in considering another person’s perspective.

Stepping back to look at our story is an important way of controlling our reactions, whether it’s jealousy, anxiety, or having our feelings hurt.  Especially for people who tend to have anger issues, taking the time to see what may be the difference between what happened and what the story is we are telling ourselves about what happened, can be a great help.  Identifying what layers we may be adding, especially about people’s intentions, might just allow us to be more in control of our reactions, and ultimately happier!