When you go through something challenging, it’s normal to have feelings that are “all over the map,” as they say.  This is especially true when you’re coping with the loss of something or someone you really care about.  During these times it’s so important to have people and places in your life where you can share and be totally open about your experience.   Although they can’t solve your problem, these connections actually serve as important coping tools, both as pressure valves that help you release what’s building up and as safety nets that support you during a time of instability.

Times of crisis bring a mix of emotion:  fear, sadness, hope, rage, and helplessness.  And even though you may have wonderful people in your life who want nothing more than to help you, not everyone close to you can tolerate feeling your feelings with you.  They may tell you things like “you shouldn’t think negatively,” when you express your fear, or “things happen for a reason” when you share how angry you are.  Because of their own emotional reactions, they just may not have the capacity to empathize along with you.  It can be confusing, even frustrating to be responded to in this way, but don’t let this shut you down or make you wonder if your feelings are wrong.

While of course there is benefit from positive thinking, speaking your fears will in no way cause them to come true.  In fact, what therapists and counselors know from experience is that talking about your sadness and fears actually helps you move through them and makes them more feel more manageable.  But you need to express yourself in an environment that is emotionally safe.  You may be lucky enough to know someone who can do this for you, already.  More often, though, you may have to ask for it directly.  People want to be helpful, so they’ll offer advice or give you their opinion about what you need to do.  Don’t be afraid to gently, but clearly, let them know that what you need is listening and understanding.  Reassure them that even though they may not feel that they are “doing” anything, they are, in fact, offering something of great significance.   

In some situations, in order to find your safety net you might need to share with people who aren’t so personally close to your situation or you may need to find people who have been through something similar to what you’re going through.  Support groups are a great place to find others who have the experience to understand what you feel, yet the distance to not take things personally.  They can offer insight and resources that may be right on target.  It is amazing how many support groups are out there if you start looking for them by asking local professionals or searching on the internet.  And you don’t have to have a mental health issue to seek therapy.  Therapists offer a place to “unpack,” as I like to call it, all of the emotions you carry when your journey takes you through difficult territory.

Having someone to share our burden with is healing.  It releases pent up emotion and helps us feel less alone.  So when you feel broken, or have the urge to fix someone you care about, remember that quiet listening (the pressure valve) and an authentic non-judgmental presence (the safety net) are often the best coping tools.