When you go through something challenging, it’s normal to have feelings that are “all over the map,” as they say.  This is especially true when you’re coping with the loss of something or someone you really care about.  During these times it’s so important to have people and places in your life where you can share and be totally open about your experience.   Although they can’t solve your problem, these connections actually serve as important coping tools, both as pressure valves that help you release what’s building up and as safety nets that support you during a time of instability.

Times of crisis bring a mix of emotion:  fear, sadness, hope, rage, and helplessness.  And even though you may have wonderful people in your life who want nothing more than to help you, not everyone close to you can tolerate feeling your feelings with you.  They may tell you things like “you shouldn’t think negatively,” when you express your fear, or “things happen for a reason” when you share how angry you are.  Because of their own emotional reactions, they just may not have the capacity to empathize along with you.  It can be confusing, even frustrating to be responded to in this way, but don’t let this shut you down or make you wonder if your feelings are wrong.

While of course there is benefit from positive thinking, speaking your fears will in no way cause them to come true.  In fact, what therapists and counselors know from experience is that talking about your sadness and fears actually helps you move through them and makes them more feel more manageable.  But you need to express yourself in an environment that is emotionally safe.  You may be lucky enough to know someone who can do this for you, already.  More often, though, you may have to ask for it directly.  People want to be helpful, so they’ll offer advice or give you their opinion about what you need to do.  Don’t be afraid to gently, but clearly, let them know that what you need is listening and understanding.  Reassure them that even though they may not feel that they are “doing” anything, they are, in fact, offering something of great significance.   

In some situations, in order to find your safety net you might need to share with people who aren’t so personally close to your situation or you may need to find people who have been through something similar to what you’re going through.  Support groups are a great place to find others who have the experience to understand what you feel, yet the distance to not take things personally.  They can offer insight and resources that may be right on target.  It is amazing how many support groups are out there if you start looking for them by asking local professionals or searching on the internet.  And you don’t have to have a mental health issue to seek therapy.  Therapists offer a place to “unpack,” as I like to call it, all of the emotions you carry when your journey takes you through difficult territory.

Having someone to share our burden with is healing.  It releases pent up emotion and helps us feel less alone.  So when you feel broken, or have the urge to fix someone you care about, remember that quiet listening (the pressure valve) and an authentic non-judgmental presence (the safety net) are often the best coping tools.

This past week I was on a family vacation that took us through many places in California, from tiny towns in the Eastern Sierra mountain range down to the big city of Los Angeles.  While going through each location my husband would pose the question, “Could you live here?”  It was fun to think about how each place would be so different and how this would match up with our personalities and desires.  It got me thinking about the opportunities that vacations can offer us to try on new ways of living and how we might use this information to make our every day lives more enjoyable.

A first thing to consider is, where do you like to go?  Do you tend to go to quiet places that offer solitude and a slower pace, or do you tend to seek out places that are busy and loud?  Do you like to be in nature or do you like to see shows and museums?  Where we go to find rejuvenation (and with whom) can sometimes tell us what might be missing in our day to day lives or what we might want to do more of on a regular basis.  While we may not want to live in a tent, maybe some more time under the stars can be healing?  Or maybe savoring a vacation where meals or cleaning is taken care of might give you a clue as to how getting some help at home may reduce your daily overload?

And how about your mind set while on vacation?  Do you tend to take more risks and try new things that you wouldn’t normally do?  Or do you finally give yourself permission to NOT do anything –  lingering in bed, finishing your novel, or just being by yourself or with a loved one without interruption.  How does this attitude differ from the one you normally carry?  How would it be to adopt this attitude more frequently in your non-vacation time?

Often when you’re away from your normal busy life you gain perspective that you can’t achieve when you’re running on auto pilot.  Most people have insights and important thoughts about their work/life balance and priorities that get lost when they get home.  Don’t just let these thoughts get packed away with your suitcase when you return.  Write them down.  Read them over.  Post them somewhere, and even share them with someone who can help support you in incorporating your ideas.  You may find clarity in these words that can help keep you from getting pulled in to the status quo.  Maybe you’ll decide you do want to move to a new location to be near the ocean, or maybe you’ll just decide to find ways to bring the feeling of being at the ocean back home.  Whatever your vacation tells you, try to listen.  You may find valuable knowledge about yourself that can help bring more joy and meaning to wherever you are.

Sometimes a big event happens in your life that creates a lot of stress.  You lose sleep, worry, and clearly know that you have to take steps to take care of yourself during these times, even if it’s hard to actually do.  Because the stressful event is so noticeable, the people around you offer support, and although it’s very hard, the help is a silver lining.  But there is another type of stress that happens to us that can equally be as dangerous.  The problem is, because of the nature of it, we’re not even aware of it and don’t give ourselves or get the help we need.

This type of stress is known as the stress escalator.  It occurs when small, but significant, stressful things build one on top of the other, slowly raising your stress level.  Because it happens slowly, and piece by piece, you may not even realize that you are there, at the top of the stress scale.  You wonder: “Why am I so irritable, tired, and unhappy?  And why, no matter how I rearrange my schedule, I can’t get everything done?”

What tends to happen during a stress escalator ride is that when faced with a few small stressors, we try to cope by working harder and putting in more hours to deal with the situation.   In order to get extra time, one by one we cut out the things we think of as optional.  Unfortunately, what we tend to think of as optional are the experiences that refresh and recharge us.   They are usually the very things that help us cope with our stress and reverse the negative impact on our bodies and minds.

For example, a woman I worked with, Maria,  came to see me wondering what was wrong her, thinking she may be depressed.  When I asked about the stress in her life, she told me nothing big was happening.  But when I asked her to describe her life, she told me a long list of things, including a recent company merger with a heavier work load, her aging mother moving to an assisted living facility while she and her sister had to pack up their childhood home, and her daughter being bullied at school.  When I asked about what helped to reduce her stress, Maria told me she does Zumba, or did when she had time.  She also liked to have coffee with her friend, but hadn’t been able to do that either.  She used the time to get errands done in order to feel less stressed.

Maria had been riding the stress elevator to the top floor.  No one thing that had been happening to her made her think that she was in crisis.  However, in order to cope with each of her smaller circumstances, she cut out exercising and social engagements, leaving only the work without any respite.  She was exhausted, depleted, and hadn’t had any time to process the emotional impact of her mother’s illness, her fears of not being good enough at work, or her daughter’s well being.  When she was able to step back and look at her situation, Maria actually felt relieved.  No wonder she was feeling so tired and miserable.  It was only then that she could begin to give herself the rest she needed and ask for the help required.

Does this pattern sound familiar?  You could be riding the escalator, too.  The next time you think it would be more helpful to get the list of things at Costco instead of going on your hike, or picking up the house instead of going to bed, remember the escalator.  We need to have a way to go down whenever we ride it up!

I never was a particular fan of “affirmations.”  They seemed forced and insincere to me, perhaps from past experience watching Saturday Night Live’s character Stuart Smalley tell himself, “I’m good enough, smart enough,…” as his daily affirmation.   But after years of teaching quit smoking and weight management classes, I learned directly from my students that certain types of meaningful self-statements can be quite helpful.  (Besides, what did I know, the SNL actor Al Franken went on to be a Senator).

At the end of each six week health education  series, I would ask my class, “If you have one suggestion for the next group of people coming in, what would it be?”  Frequently I heard them talk about having a “mantra” that helped them at times when they needed to stay on course with a healthy habit.  Saying this certain mantra over and over helped reinforce their motivation and gave them a voice that could respond automatically to their “temptation” thoughts.  For example, one man thought of his cigarettes as the devil trying to tempt him.  When he had the urge to smoke, or thoughts such as “just one won’t hurt,” he would repeat, even out loud sometimes, “I’m not dancing with that devil!”  He told us it really helped to keep him on track.  Other people reported phrases such as “I want to breathe!” or “I want to live!” to be inspiring.   “Food is not family” is what one young woman said to herself after realizing she often ate when she was lonely and missed her parents.

As opposed to what I thought of as empty affirmations, what useful mantras seemed to have was a true meaning to the person using it, representing a way to quickly get in touch with their goals and deep desires.  It also reminded them of the hard work they had put into the effort toward change and how tempting thoughts were just that, thoughts that didn’t need to lead to action.  Self-statements worked best if they were positive, brief, and truly believed.