Three weeks ago at the end of my blog post “The Surprising Best Predictor In Helping People Change,” I wrote about my intent to do an experiment for a few weeks.  Based on research from a conference I had attended, indicating the best predictor of change was to work with a helper who showed empathy and understanding, I set out to listen more closely to my inner dialog and see what would happen if I were more compassionate than critical with my inner voice.  It’s been a successful experience and led to some insightful results.

The first thing I noticed was how much chatter was in my head!  As I set out to listen in, I was surprised with how noisy I am.  Between purposeful thought about planning what needed to be done or about things I was working on, there was a stream of free flowing evaluative thinking.  I was like a sports color commentator offering opinions on myself after most every encounter.  The next thing I noticed was how self focused I was.  My thoughts were frequently questions like if I was a good enough listener, or if my suggestions were smart enough, or if I looked foolish.  I was genuinely surprised at how much I thought about me.  And while I’m a person who highly values self reflection, I noticed how, as I suspected, the self reflection was more self criticism than encouragement.  I started to worry if I was some kind of a “Debbie downer” compared to most people.  Was I just a self indulging masochist?  It was comforting to reacquaint myself with the psychological literature and find that, while negative self thinking is associated with depression, it’s also common, especially for sensitive, caring and perfectionistic types.

The next step of my experiment was then to replace my negative “self talk,” as it’s called, with a more empathic and understanding inner voice.  This was harder than I anticipated.  Perhaps completely replacing negative thoughts would come in time, but the first step was then just responding to my negative self talk.  But even in just doing this, I was surprised by what was required.  Criticizing was quick and easy.  Understanding myself with an empathic attitude took effort.  Switching from “you are being lazy” to “wow, you worked a long day, grocery shopped, did an errand for your mother, responded to 20 e-mails, cooked dinner, and helped your daughter paint her room – you’re tired and also sad and scared about your friend’s health – no wonder you don’t feel like going to the gym.  What else could you do instead?  What do you feel up to?  Perhaps taking a brisk walk to look at the sunset might be more reasonable and uplifting” required a lot more of me.  It definitely required more time for me to think through how exactly I felt and what I needed so that I could have compassion for myself.  I started thinking of these moments as “mini therapy” sessions, and at times, because of the effort it took, I actually found I didn’t want to do it.

But because I had committed to trying, I followed through.  And you know what?  It actually was helpful.  I did find myself feeling a little lighter, not carrying around so many self judgments and appreciating myself a bit more.  And I became quicker at separating my judgment from what I could see was a more accurate assessment given a fuller picture of my situation.  But my most surprising finding was how it helped me be more creative at problem solving and gave me more motivation.  I found compromises that I could actually achieve.  Rather than a yes/no about something, I came up with creative solutions.  For example if I didn’t feel up to writing a whole letter, rather than avoiding it, I made a list of the points I needed to cover and at least got started.  Or one time after arguing with my daughter, instead of withdrawing and blaming myself for being impatient, I realized I was reacting to feeling misunderstood by several people that day.  I went back to her and shared my feelings, ending in a hug I really needed.  In general, by being empathic rather than judgmental, I felt better about myself and had less inner power struggles of trying to force myself to do something and then feeling badly about myself when I “failed.”  And by the end of the three weeks after having some success, I noticed less resistance to engaging in the “mini therapy” when I needed it.

So I’m going to keep going.  My intention is turn my experiment into more of a lifestyle.  It was a great lesson for me and I do in fact think it helped my mood and motivation.  Not only will I be practicing what I preach to others, but I may be inoculating myself against depression.  If nothing else, I know it feels better and fits in better with the type of person I’d like to be.  As long as I have the self talk going on in my head, I might as well have it be the voice of my friend rather than my own worst enemy!