I recently attended an intense three day conference focusing on what helps people change.  The audience was made up of many talented social workers, psychologists, and doctors of all disciplines.  Everyone in the room was eager to hear the results of the most up to date research on the tools and methods of evidenced based health counseling.  Our laptops were open and pencils ready to take note of just what we could do to achieve the best outcomes. 

To many in the room, the biggest predictor of client change was quite surprising, however.  It did not involve a particular technique, pill, or even educational words of wisdom to give to our patients.  In fact, it was quite the contrary.  Rather than anything a health care worker could do or say, it was how they could make a patient feel. If a client felt that a helper truly listened and understood their situation and concerns, change was more likely.  Empathy, on the part of the helper, was the most effective tool.  Once a person felt accepted by a helper, their resistance to making changes would diminish, and they could achieve success by tapping into their own motivations and knowledge of their situation.

On the ride home from the conference, I started thinking about us – all the people with good intentions who are trying to make changes and keep tripping up.  I started thinking about my own internal voice that I speak with when I try to coach myself through a day of a thousand choices.  Is it empathic?  I would not say so.  Does it convey empathy and understanding?  Not usually.  In fact, my voice is often quite judgmental, punitive, and negative.  And I would guess, from experience in talking to others, this is true of how many people talk to themselves.  “My gosh you’re lazy, get up and move your body,” “You should have gotten that done,” or “Why do you even bother to eat healthy now, you know you’re just going to blow it later.”  Sound familiar?

So I am going to do an experiment.  For the next few weeks, I’m going to try to talk to myself with empathy and understanding.  My hope is to reduce my own resistance and to stop acting like the rebellious teenager acting out against my inner critical voice.  I know from experience that empathy works with my clients, and research now shows its effectiveness with most people.  So why not use it for myself?  If this sounds hard to do, or like something from the twilight zone, perhaps the first step is just to listen to yourself.  What does the voice inside say to you?  How do you respond?  And, as some might say, is it “working for you”?  We might just find that, like most people, we prefer kindness to shame and feeling understood to being judged, even from ourselves.