Ever hear that you have to be “all in” and “give 110%” if you’re going to be successful?  Although it would be great to have that level of commitment, for most of us normal human beings, “all in” is a fleeting experience.  More likely we have conflicting thoughts and feelings.  And in fact, I have found that rather than getting down on ourselves for these feelings,  acknowledging our ambivalence helps us better cope with it and reduces the risk that mixed emotions undermine our efforts.

Despite truly wanting to reach a goal, most of us hear frequent voices of temptation or regularly wrestle with doubt.  We want to lose weight, but we really want the cookie.  We want the relationship to succeed, but we are really angry with our partner.   By thinking in dichotomous absolutes, such as needing to being “all in” or “giving 110%,” we create either/or situations for ourselves.  If I want the cookie, I can’t be successful at dieting.  If I am angry with my partner, he is not a good man.  Trying to live in absolutes, we back ourselves into a corner and act in ways that are also absolute or create unnecessary disappointment in ourselves.

In making peace with our ambivalence, we open up space for holding conflicting ideas.  We can have one feeling AND another, rather than either/or.  By making room at our table for all types of feelings, we can sort through them and find a way to behave that best represents our long term true desires.  I want to lose weight, but I am hungry and that cookie looks good.  Wanting the cookie does not mean I am not doing a good job at dieting and does not mean I must eat it, either.   I’m less likely to give up completely if I have choices.  Being angry with my partner does not mean he is an awful person or that I must change him or leave the relationship.  By being able to stay in touch with my love as well as my anger, I have the best chance of working through our problem and staying connected in the process.

Learning to tolerate contradictions can help us act less impulsively and expand our understanding of the totality of our situation.  Much of the work I do with people in psychotherapy is helping them expand their capacity to experience conflicting emotions, because life and relationships are complicated.  Being “all in” feels good in the moment, but accepting our ambivalence gives us the flexibility to “stay in” for the long run.