When I was in graduate school studying child development I learned about the term “good enough mothering.”  It was coined by Donald Winnicot, a British pediatrician, in reaction to the Freudian tone of mother blaming.  Winnicott observed that as long as a child was taken care of with basic love, responsiveness, and safety, most kids develop just fine.  Even though I didn’t have any children at that time, it relieved my fears about future parenting by thinking all I had to be was “good enough.”

Now that I’ve been a mother for almost 17 years, I still remember that phrase well, but with a quite a different perspective.  I realize being “good enough” is actually really hard!  Mothering is a challenging role, and just when I think I have found a groove in how to be with my kids, they change.  And I change.  It is a constant challenge to know when to step in and when to let go, when to follow advice and when to trust my instincts.  I want my children to grow up self-reliant, but I want them to feel supported.  I need to trust their choices, but I want to protect them from dangerous consequences.  The world has become so complex, the challenges of society so intense, good enough mothering often doesn’t feel good enough.  Surely Winnicott never had to deal with Instagram!

But one of the biggest lessons I’m learning as I parent is the importance of “good enough” in giving myself and my kids some space.  Good enough is a way of knowing when it’s time to let go.  Good enough gives me permission to take care of myself.  And good enough is asking myself to honestly answer the question, is this about my daughter, or is this actually about me?  Our children, especially our daughters, can be triggers of a mother’s fears, regrets, and unfulfilled desires.  Recognizing what is my issue and what is the issue at hand helps me think clearly and respond with less reactivity.  It also helps me focus on myself rather than try to control someone else.

I can’t say I am good enough at being good enough, but it helps me to try.  So many of the families I have seen for therapy have so much to deal with, trauma and poverty with long histories of abuse and neglect.  It takes time and hard work to untangle all the needs and fears.  But they have taught me that listening and understanding go a long way in building trust between people who are willing.  Good enough does not mean giving up on our children or not being accountable for our actions. But it does mean doing what we can with compassion and respect for both our children and ourselves.

Happy Mother’s Day to All the Good Enough and Even Better Mothers!