Because you’re reading my blog, I have a special offer for you.  If I told you I’ve got an easy way to feel happier, improve your well being, that’s less effort than exercising, takes less time than eating healthy, and is really simple to add into your schedule, would you be interested in hearing about it?  Would you try it? Ok, then, here it is, simply put…chat up someone.  Even for just a minute or two.  It can be anyone – a stranger, a clerk at the grocery store, or someone at the dog park.  A series of studies is proving the positive benefits of these small encounters, the kind that have slipped away as we all tend to look at our phones as we go about our lives.  In today’s post I’ll share some common barriers to making these connections and some tips on how to start taking advantage of them.  

Established research on the power of social connections has long proven that social ties are powerful predictors of well being.  But this research focused on close relationships, with family and friends, referred to as strong-ties.  A more recent body of research on more casual, even fleeting interactions, known as weak-ties, is consistently showing links between brief everyday social interactions and reports of greater happiness. In his book, A Little More Social:  How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health and Connection,  Nicholas Epley shares  research showing that we consistently underestimate the benefits of connecting with others, which leads us to reach out less often than we should.  The less we do it, the more daunting it feels and the more hesitant we become.  Epley encourages us that “practicing to become a little more social is a surprisingly positive experience.  Even for an Introvert!”

Epley lists several assumptions we can challenge that get in the way of our social efforts.  One is an exaggerated sense of uncertainty as to how people will respond.  While we imagine it being awkward or being rejected, the truth is that humans are primed for reciprocity.  If we’re warm and interested, people will likely respond in the same way.  If we treat someone like a bother and ignore them, they will likely ignore us right back.  His research showed that over and over the response people received when reaching out was much less uncomfortable than they feared and more pleasant than they expected.  Another barrier is our critical thoughts about our own competence in making conversation.  The truth is, however, that other people are much less critical of our effort than we think.  Rather than evaluating what we say, others tend to be focused on our warmth and our interest in them.  The more we convince ourselves that it’s better to text someone or email, the less we get experience in engaging with other people, especially when hearing someone’s voice can really enhance people’s connection.  In a series of studies, Epley found that people who used voice based communication (phone and video) felt more connection with both friends and strangers, despite their expectation to the contrary.  The expectations lead people to avoid voice based communication and to miss out on the potential positive experience.

Ok, so are you ready to try it?  Does the idea bring up discomfort?  Start slow and build your confidence.  The easiest way to begin is simply by saying hello and smiling at someone.  Just by doing so, you create an openness to connection.  Making eye contact can be an invitation that you’re safe and willing to engage.  You can comment on the situation you find yourself sharing, such as the line at the store, or give someone a brief compliment, such as commending them for remembering to bring in bags at the grocery store.  Then follow it up with a simple question if you want to keep the conversation going.  Try to use a follow up to your first statement so it feels like a deepening of the conversation rather than an interview.  You might even self-disclose to make it mutual, such as asking them if they have a tip to help you remember your bags from your car, as you’d like to be better at it.

Ok, now are you ready to try it?  It doesn’t take a change in your personality to gain the well being in making these weak-tie connections.  Start by being a little more aware of easy opportunities to engage.  Leave your cell phone or earbuds out of reach and pay a little more attention to the people around you.  Experiment with how and when you engage with people and you’ll most likely notice the positive feelings that can come from not only seeing, but experiencing the world as a friendlier and more connected place.

I think back to the recent happy vibes all across New York City after the Knicks won the championship.  People described how the city seemed so friendly as everyone smiled and nodded when seeing another person in a Knicks jersey or t-shirt.  People opened up to share  about their favorite player or most nerve wracking moment or their excitement.  The Knicks became the ice breaker of all ice breakers.  It was considered  to be a magical time of community. So, now, from that experience, we can be inspired to make our own magic. Because, Lord knows, we don’t want to wait 53 years to have that joy again!

In my post a few weeks back I shared about the benefits of avoiding All or Nothing thinking.  “All or Something” allows us to be more flexible, less judgmental, and to actually stay on track for the long term.  Today, I offer another tool designed with a similar theme in mind.  An “Away/Towards List” is a way of thinking that can be used to make daily choices that we feel good about, both for the short term and the long term.  It helps us to avoid rigidity and to use our desired values rather than harsh judgment as motivators. 

The “Away/Towards” framework involves reflecting on our behaviors and characterizing them as either moving us toward something we value or moving us away from something painful or uncomfortable.  Instead of judging our actions as either “good” or “bad,” or “healthy” versus “not healthy,” this framework asks us to think about our behaviors in context – what is this behavior doing for us at the time we engage in it?  Is it moving me toward something I value or away from an uncomfortable internal experience?  Through this lens, we can get insight into the reasons for our behavior and offer ourselves some alternatives if needed.

A “toward” move is any action that brings us closer to our value, or something that matters to us.  These actions can be enjoyable, but they can also be effortful, uncomfortable, or imperfect.  Examples might be asking for a raise if we value financial stability, checking our blood pressure in order to support our health values, or putting down our phone when we begin doom scrolling to support our emotional health values.   An “away” move is usually about getting away from discomfort.  It offers a type of self protection or way to find relief.  But over time, it can pull us away from things we care about.  Away moves are often effective in the short term, but costly in the long run. Especially when we use them as primary coping, away moves distort or fend off feelings that can store up or come out in ways that interfere with living our desired values.  Canceling a health appointment because you’re anxious is an example of an away move, as is playing video games instead of calling to inquire about a job you’d like to apply for.  Both feel better in the now, but will move you away from your values of good health and fulfilling employment over time.

Ok, so you might be asking, how is categorizing actions into “toward” or “away” getting us away from binary thinking?  It’s all about awareness.  This framework invites naming what is happening without judgment and considering its context.  Noticing an away move doesn’t mean you automatically stop it or forbid it, it’s more about creating space and offering some compassion for what’s happening that is leading to the avoidance.  It encourages curiosity and emotionally aware thinking.  The categories of “away” and “toward” are less about the actions than about the movement (toward or away) and how these behaviors accumulate to impact and shape our lives over time.  It’s more like vector analysis, looking at the directions of forces in our lives to calculate where we end up.

Ok, so what if a behavior moves us toward some values and away from other desired values?  Life is complicated and full of conflicting values.  The “towards” and “away” framework can help us see how our conflicting values may be the source of what seems like “sabotaging” behavior.  Going out for pizza with friends may move us toward our values of community but away from our values of health in caring for our pre-diabetes. This is where awareness can be helpful and offer us ways to compromise and adapt.  When you’re faced with a choice, it helps to do a check in around whether your choice would move you toward, away, or a mix of both regarding your overall set of values. The Toward/Away Framework encourages us to be aware and mindful in our actions.  Most often there isn’t going to be a simple answer of one choice being the right thing to do for all values.  But by asking yourself to consider how your choices will impact them, you create a meta-awareness – a fuller sense of why you’re doing what you’re doing.  And with this awareness often comes a little more capacity to make intentional, values aligned choices. Even when things feel messy. This framework helps us get away from All or Nothing Thinking by understanding why behaviors make sense and approaching them with curiosity, compassion and intention.  We may notice that we’re engaging in an “away” move, but understand that it’s in response to feeling afraid and needing relief.  We can better appreciate our struggle in that moment and remind ourselves that we have choices in how to address it.

So, I can tell you that I was feeling a bit confused about how to end this post. Completing it is a value for me.  The confusion and frustration of writing out and deleting a few options was uncomfortable, however.  I chose to go check on my mini donkeys as a way of moving away from the discomfort of not knowing how to finish it.  But I did move toward the value of connecting with my animal friends.  They indeed distracted me and it was nice to brush them and pick some prickers from their coats.  And, as you’re reading, I am finishing this post.  It all worked out just fine.  So, actually, I’m now thinking of using the comfort of my minis to avoid the discomfort of finishing our taxes later today.  Something I’ve moved away from quite  frequently.  But at least I’m aware and better understand why our accountant has emailed us again.

I’ve been caught up in the fabulous New York Knicks play off run and how they continually overcame the odds and obstacles.  Not only has it been a very welcome distraction from the state of the world, but I even got to wear my 30 year old Patrick Ewing jersey!  But while most of New York reveled in the amazing success and accomplishment of the championship run, it’s easy to miss all the long hours, days, years of hard work that it took to allow the team to take advantage of the current opportunity.  I thank the Knicks for a good reminder of why the day after day long term grind is the key foundation to any great moment.

I love this quote by Jalen Brunsen, the team captain, who is credited with putting the team on his back whenever they were down.  When asked about how he keeps up the belief and energy being down as many as 29 points, he says:  My confidence comes from my work ethic.  Every time I had the ball, all I could think about is all the hours in the summer…making this a reality.  So, whenever I had the ball, I’m just thinking about just me alone in the gym.

Hard work is generally pretty lonely.  While we can be a part of a team, a family, a work place, or whatever context we engage in, no one can be inside our minds and bodies and know the challenges we face and the hardships we go through.  Staying motivated is a constant battle no matter the goal.  The pain, disappointment, exhaustion, and frustration have to be met with an antidote – purpose.  When we feel a sense of purpose in our day to day grind it helps to keep us going and gain a long term perspective.  The short term heartache is put into context for the gains of the long term anticipated success.

Another quote that comes to mind (one that I can’t find the source for, sorry) says:  “What if everything you are going through is preparing you for what you asked for?”  I love this shift in perspective, reframing roadblocks and setbacks as training.  It reminds us that we have no idea what’ll happen in the future, but we can rely on what we’ve learned and experienced as a guide.  Not only do we acquire skills and problem solving when we face challenges, but we also gain a perspective of appreciation and gratitude when we reach the goal or a better place.

Most of us don’t spend long hours alone in a gym shooting baskets and driving to the paint, but all of us have challenges we face day by day and year by year.  We all have responsibilities and duties that are underappreciated and exhaust us.  But one of the great wisdoms that comes as I get older is seeing that the fruit of people’s labor do most always come eventually.  You may not know when or how, but generally, hard work is rewarded in some form or another.  They may not be big splashy victories for all the world to see, but they may be just as significant in our own lives.  It may be handling a conflict in an admirable fashion, leaving a difficult situation, or stepping up to be there for someone else, but these are all wins!  A ticker tape parade may not be there to greet us, but we should celebrate our significant victories none the less.

Many of us are “All or Nothing” type of people: finish what you start, do it the right way, discipline is key. Generally it serves us well. Except when it doesn’t.  Sometimes rigidity can get in the way of maintaining progress toward a goal, as life may be too challenging for our strict adherence and uncompromising mindset.  When we polarize our choices into All or Nothing, we frequently end up with nothing.  That’s why I love the phrase “All or Something.”  Let me show you why.

Michelle Stegar, a behavioral scientist at the University of Michigan studied the effects of an all or nothing mindset on exercise and establishing long term fitness.  In her study, when subjects weren’t able to work out in the exact way they wanted, they often did nothing instead.  Dr. Stegar referred to it as the “perfect workout trap.”  It can really get in the way of people getting started, waiting for the stars to align to exercise in a specific way.  Or it can prevent people from maintaining a fitness routine when they find it too difficult to keep up a specific workout.  People often then blame themselves for being too lazy, too unmotivated, or too undisciplined.  In reality,  the answer is frequently not being more disciplined, but actually being more flexible.

“All or Nothing” mindsets are examples of what psychology defines as a cognitive distortion, specifically  referred to as  “All or Nothing Thinking” or “Black and White Thinking.”   It sorts the world into binary extremes, dichotomous opposites, eliminating shades of gray or more nuanced thinking.  It keeps you from seeing life the way it really is:  complex, uncertain, and constantly changing.  All or Nothing thinking doesn’t allow you to find a middle ground, which can be hard on relationships, self esteem, limit problem solving and decision making, and blocks possible coping skills.  Examples include labeling someone as totally unreliable because they canceled plans, thinking you will never get a job because you didn’t get the one you applied for, or if you feel anxious labeling yourself as a weak person.

Research on All of Nothing Thinking as a strategy reveals it actually undermines and sabotages long term goals.  It causes minor setbacks to trigger total abandonment of efforts.  Studies have looked at specific ways this can happen.  One is the “What the Hell” Effect, wherein when someone falls short of their ideal, they perceive the mistake as total failure and conclude that all is lost.  Rather than recalibrating, the distortion leads to getting rid of their goals entirely.  Another potential outcome of All of Nothing Thinking is the devaluation of small progress.  The achievement of smaller but beneficial steps toward a goal are seen as not living up to the gold standard and thought of as failure.  Studies also show that dichotomous thinking can lead to such high standards that it feels impossible to maintain.  This puts a lot of stress and the resulting fear of failure erodes self esteem, leads to burn out, and chronic stress.  Research on cognitive errors related to exercise show that strong adherence to black and white rules is directly associated with significantly lower rates of activity and adherence to long term behavioral changes.

Experts suggest addressing this common cognitive trap by redefining success as “beneficial” rather than “optimal.”  Even small steps toward a goal can be beneficial and lead to progress.  The “All Or Something” approach employs a “bend but don’t break” mentality.  It offers adaptability and flexibility that can keep you on track toward the goal while gaining the benefits of doing something rather than nothing along the way.  It supports us by giving us permission to develop contingency plans.  For example, when trying to stick to an exercise routine, if you can’t get to the gym, have a back up plan of walking around the neighborhood or doing a yoga class at home.  Rebranding these adaptations as successes rather than failures helps to keep momentum and a positive attitude..

Combatting the trap of All or Nothing thinking involves shifting your mindset to what you can do rather than what you can’t or didn’t do.  Rather than feeling failure or blaming yourself for being lazy or not disciplined enough, you can take pride in your creativity and stick-to-it-ness that keeps the effort sustained.  All or Something allows for the real world we live in to be managed and dealt with.  Think of your goals as a light you need to keep shining.  Why have an on/off only switch when you can have a dimmer dial?  One puts you in the dark while the other can be adjusted for just the light you need for the moment.

My last two posts have been about the effects of child abuse and breaking the cycles of trauma.  Before I move on from the topic of generational patterns, I wanted to broaden the focus to a more general view.  Because not all generational patterns are bad ones! There are, in fact, good patterns that can be passed down and these are worth becoming aware of as well.   A major part of becoming an adult is separating from our family of origin.  Through this process, we can decide what aspects of our family patterns we want to keep, what we want to let go of, and what we may want to transform to fit current times and circumstances.  

Remnants of our ancestry trickle down into our life experience both explicitly (being told and talked about) or implicitly (through observation and deduction).  We learn how the world works as it is passed down through lived experience, one generation to the next.  Our lives are the roadmap for the next generation.  Embedded in our lived experience are conditioned beliefs learned over time that influence our thoughts, behaviors, and perspectives.  These beliefs are formed through childhood interactions with parents, siblings, peers, and caregivers.  They affect a child’s perception of themselves and the world around them.  Praise, criticism, encouragement and punishment all contribute to a person’s understanding of what is valued and what’s unacceptable.  Society and culture also play a role in our conditioned beliefs, often influenced by the types of education, religion, media and institutions we’ve been exposed to by our family’s choices.

Beliefs are reinforced through repetition.  When a child repeatedly hears or experiences something, they’re more likely to internalize it and accept it as truth, even if it’s not based on objective evidence.  Families often have sayings or “mottos” that are so frequently spoken, they’re taken as truths – simply the way things are.  Confirmation bias, attending to information that only confirms a belief, further solidifies these beliefs.  Sayings like “The main thing is you tried” or “boys don‘t cry” are examples of this.  And then there are the unspoken manifestations of conditioned beliefs, reinforced by the reactions and responses, such as smiling at a child for being brave when they express a difference or withdrawing from a child in disappointment.

Children are masters at picking up cues of what is most important to a family.  Even in the face of contradictions.  A parent may say that their child’s education is the most important thing, but then be quick to allow the child to miss assignments or not study in order to play in a baseball game.  It’s so very hard as parents to be aware of all the messages our choices are sending!  Nevertheless, our values and the reinforcement of certain traits or behaviors has a big impact over time and with the repetition of our spoken and unspoken feedback.  

But, as we get older, one of our opportunities in becoming an adult is to become aware of the values and patterns that we have been raised in and decide which are helpful and which are not.  My family had a very strong value of education.  I so appreciate this now, as I had a lot of support and my parents showed great pride in my getting a doctorate.   Luckily, these values felt in alignment with who I was becoming.  Had I been a poor student or not interested in higher education, it would have felt differently.  But along with this came a certain amount of pressure and expectation, a conditioned belief that there was no other choice but to be academically successful.  There are always double edges to everything.  I knew I was loved, but I certainly carried a generational expectation of who I should be.  This has stuck with me as I’ve walked alongside my own children through their ups and downs of education.  The awareness of the impact of our generational pattern helped me to seek a balance of valuing education but not purely academic achievement (I hope my daughters felt that, anyway).

My parents did not intend for me to feel such pressure.  In fact, my father was able to rise out of poverty and took extreme pride in talking his way into an MIT graduate program, coming from a lesser college than many other students.  For him, educational excellence meant  opportunity and he wanted us to have it.  Some beliefs can be empowering and motivating and align with our personal goals and values.  But it’s so important for each of us to critically examine our conditioned beliefs and be open to new information and consider how these beliefs may be influencing our thoughts, actions, and overall well being.  We must ask ourselves, what are the beliefs I was raised with?  What of these beliefs are supportive of my life and what beliefs are limiting or not reflective of who I am or want to be?  Times change and we are very different people than others in our families.  And yet, the bonds of shared history are so very strong and important.  How can we best honor the traditions and values we were raised in and yet alter them to fit our own path in the world?

It’s fun sometimes to sit with my siblings and recall the sayings that my father or mother would throw at us.  Some seem silly and some raise an eyebrow as we think about what impact they had and what it demonstrated about how they were raised and the pressure they were under.  Breaking free from generational patterns does not mean throwing all the patterns out the window, but adapting them to be more mindful of the impact.  We can honor our families by holding on to the intentions that are behind the conditioning.  Most always in a parent’s reaction there is love mixed with fear, pride mixed with concern, and a desire to protect the child mixed with a need to protect themselves.  Developing an understanding of where and how our parents’ patterns came from and how they impacted us will help shape our own freedom in parenting the next generation.  As in, maybe I can support my daughters in being 49ers fans instead of Giants fans?  It’s hard, but I’m trying!!

“I swore I’d break the cycle,” people often say, “but I’ve become just like him (her).”  As a follow up to my last post regarding the long term effects of early childhood trauma, it made sense to share a post regarding how to heal from it. Survivors of abuse begin to realize the power they assume as they become parents and partners themselves. With this awareness comes the fear and realization that they may not know how to be different, although they desperately want to be.  Adult survivors of abuse often find that breaking the cycle is vastly more complicated than they first thought and involves a lot more than just not doing what was done to them.  Breaking cycles usually involves a deeper exploration of the psychological patterns that lead to abuse.  But, fortunately, doing the work not only reduces the likelihood of repetition, it also offers a chance for healing as we break the chain of learned responding.

We repeat what we know, even if what we know isn’t good.  How often do we hear our own parents’ voices when we talk to ourselves or respond to our children, especially when we’re upset or stressed? These are ingrained internalized responses. They are the patterns we have wired into our brains from early on.  And it’s not only the behavior patterns, but we also inherit and play out the echoes of them in terms of the reactions and feelings and how they are talked about or not talked about.

No one sets out as a parent or partner to inflict pain. Defensive behaviors occur when we don’t know how to regulate and cope with conflicting or uncomfortable feelings. Healing involves turning toward difficult emotions that weren’t safe to express, being able to label them and feel them. Once we can sit in the discomfort of them, we begin to gain control over them. In therapy, we work from the outside in, so to speak.  First we look at the behavior that a person wants to change.  It can be yelling, eating, drinking, lashing out, criticizing themselves or someone else.  What triggered the behavior? What was happening right before we acted?  What feelings were there?  Usually people can identify some sort of overwhelm. But if they can sit with the experience, they can dig a little deeper into anxiety, shame, or guilt. If they can still sit with this a little deeper, underneath the anxiety or shame is a feeling that was unacceptable in the family. This may be anger, sadness, or a need that was responded to in the past as threatening.  The chain becomes revealed – the defensive behavior was in response to shame/anxiety, the anxiety/shame was in response to potentially feeling an unacceptable feeling that could not be voiced.

Breaking the cycle involves slowing down and allowing yourself to feel something that at first may be scary or uncomfortable or even hard to identify.  For example, in many families, telling the truth about someone’s drinking was unacceptable. To fit in the family norms, a child learns to shut down in response to the drinking behavior and stay quiet, convincing themselves that the craziness is normal.  Maybe even they are the crazy one for being upset about it.  Now as an adult, when things seem out of order, they’ve learned not to speak up.  Instead they stuff their feelings of concern and disapproval.  When the feelings come up, they feel guilty and maybe even withdraw rather than confront someone.  Because they shut down, they never speak up and address the problem in the relationship directly, and the effects cause unhealthy patterns to persist.  Cycle breaking would involve being able to give permission to become aware of the feeling that something is wrong and that it is ok to address it.  This may involve using feelings of anger or discomfort as messengers that we need to listen to rather than shameful acts of disrespect that need to be hidden

Identifying, labeling, and interpreting our own feelings are a key pathway to emotional regulation and communication. By unblocking emotions that have been off limits, we can learn to understand them and what they’re telling us. Once we understand them, we can choose to act in a variety of ways, based on rational thoughts rather than fear and shame.  We can use these emotions to direct us toward actions that empower us and bring us closer to people, rather than destructive and repetitive behavior chains.

When people tell me, “I was doing ok, and then, I don’t know what happened, I just snapped,” it’s true. They didn’t conciously experience the emotional chain that led to the behavior.  It takes time and real effort to turn inward and learn what’s there. Breaking a cycle is not a one time event.  It takes small steps to do things differently over and over until it becomes the new pattern.  Breaking a cycle involves unhooking each link of a chain to free it up from its predecessor. This gives us the opportunity to create a new path with every freed up disconnection.  Now who says being unhinged is such a bad thing?

I recently listened to a very moving podcast featuring a New York Times reporter, Robert Draper, being interviewed about his therapeutic experience with a psychedelic drug.  Not usually so personally transparent, Mr. Draper reveals poignantly about his history of childhood trauma and the pain he felt throughout his life.  Desperate for relief, he travels to a treatment Center in Mexico that offers supervised medically assisted psychedelic trauma treatment. Mr. Draper describes intense experiences of hallucinations opening a pathway for moving beyond the burdens he carried.  One of the incidents he describes as vividly intense deeply resonated  with me. It was the felt experience of having strong personal confidence and being in harmony with himself, revealing to him the man he could have been and might one day be.  In my work with many people who have been victims of childhood trauma, this is a frequent question:  “Who might I have been if…”

With any traumatic experience, a survivor must come to terms with what was lost and what was changed as a result of the trauma.  It’s a long journey of healing and a transformation of one’s own identity.  People often describe their life in two phases:  life before the trauma and life after the trauma.  And for some who are fortunate, they also consider the gifts in this transformation.  I’ve written in the past about “traumatic growth,” a positive psychological phenomenon wherein survivors describe enhanced personal strength, deeper relationships, and a greater appreciation for life as a result of the challenge. These adult traumas (cancer, sudden loss of a loved one, losing a house in a fire) happen to us as mostly formed people.  We know who we were before and how we are changed after.  But the nature of childhood trauma is drastically different.  It shapes our lives in a continual way from an early age.  We are not a person being affected by trauma, but are being shaped and formed through the experience of it.  A child in an abusive home is developing their identity in reaction to and in coping with violence and/or neglect.

In working with so many people affected by childhood trauma, there comes a point in therapy in  which they begin to separate from the question of what is wrong with them to evaluating and having compassion for the effects of what happened to them.  There’s a deep relief in reassigning their “defectiveness” as necessary strategies they used to cope.  For example, what in present day relating is seen as hypervigilance and co-dependent behavior was for the child a way of predicting when a parent was drunk and needed to be taken care of in order for them to be safe.  People begin to see the reasons for their maladaptive behaviors as strategies developed for surviving in a chaotic, maladaptive, and unsafe childhood home.  With this understanding, what was carried as shame can be transformed into compassion and even pride.  What was done in desperation as a child with no control over major things in their life can now, as an adult, be appreciated, changed and chosen.  But often in parallel with this understanding of how they were shaped by their trauma comes a deep and profound sense of loss. There is a rich grieving process for the childhood they never had and the person they might have been had they not been raised under such stress.  There is a longing and a reckoning with “Who would I be if …”  The list is poignant:  Who would I be if I had felt safe?  Who would I be if I was loved and cared for?  Who would I be if someone had protected me?  

The healing process of overcoming a disconnection to oneself and exploring the differences between what is truly you and what was a defense mechanism for survival is thorny and complicated.  Our brains have literally been wired around the experience of our abuse and coping.  This is why psychedelic drug treatment appears to be so hopeful.  The effect of the drug is to access neuroplasticity in which we can rewire the neural networks that have been entrenched with old patterns and self images.  As Richard Draper explains, the result of his hallucinatory state is the sudden emergence of experiencing himself differently.  He is exposed to the possibility of being and feeling differently.

The research on childhood toxic stress and its effect on long term health is a promising and long overdue body of knowledge. The Adverse Childhood Events (ACES) screenings are helpful in identifying children who might be at risk to offer early intervention.  It’s also helpful for adults to understand how the things that happened to them early in life may be explanatory for current physical and mental health challenges.  Untangling the connection of love and violence is hard to do when they are merged together in an abusive home. When the person who says they love you also hurts you, humiliates you, and neglects your needs, it’s hard to internalize a healthy sense of identity and a positive model for future relationships.

The benefit to this societal awareness is also empowering as it has revealed the potential for all of us to make a difference.  Research shows a strong protective effect of having someone who they consider caring in the life of an at risk individual.  A strong bond with at least one adult is a significant buffer against negative mental health outcomes and behavioral problems. We can be that person if we pay attention and make the effort.  Being a grandparent, uncle, aunt, cousin, mentor, neighbor or teacher gives us access to offering a relationship that can fill a gap and provide a touchstone of safety for someone who feels alone and vulnerable.  A dose of a loving relationship now may prevent the need for a dose of psychedelics in the future.  Our love and stability is a powerful treatment option we all can deliver.

If you’re stressed about money, you’re certainly not alone!  A survey by the American Psychological Association shows that 77% of Americans are experiencing “significant” anxiety about their financial situation.  58% of people feel that finances control their lives and report difficulty managing their money related worries. If three quarters of us are walking around feeling so anxious, this has a huge impact on all of our lives, our health, and our relationships.  In today’s post, I want to share what to look out for in how you may be affected in hopes that we can be more open about our worries and look out for each other.   

One of the main reasons that people find financial stress so consuming is it feels so out of our control.  Gas and grocery prices are rising so quickly, while our pay and economic opportunities feel at risk and unlikely to keep up.  Unfortunately, finances are a topic that people find hard to talk about.  It leads to feelings of shame and frustration because we feel alone with it all, not knowing that many others are experiencing the same thing.  These realities are leading to physical and mental health consequences as high financial stress is a leading predictor of anxiety and depression.  Individuals with significant debt are more likely to experience hopelessness, worthlessness, and severe psychological distress.  This stress can lead to physical ailments including higher blood pressure and heart disease, indigestion and ulcers, insomnia, and a weakened immune system due to prolonged elevations in cortisol levels (our stress hormones).

Economic stress can also lead to changes in how we function in our daily lives.  Financially stressed people are more likely to be distracted, have higher rates of missing work or being late, and are not as productive as they used to be.  Stress drains our cognitive resources, studies showing it leads to a reduced ability for complex problem solving and short sighted decision making.  We are less likely to be innovative or take risks when we are under financial stress, as we tend to become more rigid due to a sense of threat.

Financial issues significantly impact our relationships.  Money is a primary source of marital conflict and it is estimated that it contributes to 20 – 40% of all divorces.  Even if not leading to divorce, the family stress and conflict can spill over into interactions with children, resulting in harsher parenting and behavioral problems in youth.  And financial stress leads to people to withdraw from social circles, due to embarrassment, shame, or the inability to afford to participate in activities that were a part of a social group.  Most of us become irritable, angry, and tense when we face bills and expenses that we can’t afford and a rising sense of resentment at having to deprive ourselves of things we enjoy just to fill our gas tanks or repair an appliance that’s suddenly broken.

A number of studies have shown a cyclical link between financial stress and mental health issues.  Financial problems lead to a decline in your mental health, which leads to difficulty managing your money.  You may avoid paying bills, lose income by taking time off work, or lack the energy and resources to address the issues.  The stress may also lead to substance abuse, overeating, impulsive buying, or other ways we try to cope.  As a result, people can be trapped in a downward spiral of increasing money problems and declining mental health.

All of these sound familiar, right?  When the majority of us are feeling stressed about money, it’s the norm!  Acknowledging this can be a step to feeling better.  During hard economic times, we are all affected.  Things are happening on a bigger scale that’s not our fault nor could we control it.  And there is just simply an element of luck to it all.  Some industries are affected more than others and some have just better luck with timing than others.  My courage at changing jobs last year is feeling a little shaky!   Seeing this as an “us” problem instead of a “me” problem can reduce the stigma and feelings of worthlessness or isolation.

Also, by seeing it as an “us” problem, it makes it easier to talk about.  Knowing that each of us is having our own variations of a shared problem is helpful.  While you may not be comfortable sharing your financial situation specifically, we can open the door to one another by asking how people are doing in terms of their stress.  We can share our own worries and resources, such as a ride share opportunity or other ways to assist with savings.  And we all can help each other with our priorities.  Maintaining our health is a shared priority goal.  Remind people not to skip medical appointments or save by cutting out medications that are needed.  Help the people you care about maintain the connections to the things they care about, even if it means doing it a little differently.  It also helps to Invite people to go for walks or picnics instead of costlier options that might be stressful to attend.

It’s also supportive to validate and remind each other of the importance of their connection to us and of being who they are.  Being acknowledged for our unique strengths and being appreciated for what we contribute really does reduce the sense of powerlessness that can creep in.  And when talking with family about finances, it’s best to set aside time that’s right for both people, when we can be prepared and focused. Discuss how to make financial decisions and who can do what to share the load.  Avoid blaming or taking on too much responsibility, reactions we tend to have when we’re stressed.

And most of all, we can cut each other some slack.  Times are hard and we are all hurting.  Humor is good, but not always appreciated.  Political talk and action can be empowering, but not always right for everyone.  Reaching out is good, but be sensitive and respectful in making assumptions.  Generally, ask if you are not sure.  Listen instead of talk.  And don’t underestimate the power of just showing some kindness.  When life seems too damn expensive, a simple home grown flower or baked good can be priceless.

One of the most frequent Foolish Phrases is “Yes, but…”  It’s pure manipulation and deflection.  You agree to the other person’s point, but then completely shift to a justification or rationalization in a way that takes away from the person’s point.  Especially when a “yes”  is followed by “but you…”  It’s defensive and leads to a back and forth of accusations.  Instead, when someone is expressing a concern, do your best to take a deep breath before you respond.  When you say “yes” follow it up by reflecting your partner’s words and feelings instead of an immediate deflection of what they are trying to share with you.  Once they feel you understand and own it, they’ll be more open to hearing an explanation of your perspective.

Another Foolish Phrase that only leads to trouble is “You’re just like…”  Nobody likes to be told they’re just like someone else (unless it’s a comparison to Alicia Keys or Albert Einstein).  But telling someone “you’re just like your Father” or just like someone you both know is problematic is inflammatory.  It adds a whole new layer to a disagreement and leads to someone feeling put down and unsafe.  You’ve just used information you know about their family or past painful experiences against them.  Do your best to avoid comparisons and stick to the moment between the two of you at hand.  Another variation, “I wish you were more like…” is just another way of belittling someone by using a comparison to trigger jealousy and disrespect, with “I never had this problem in other relationships,” being equally unhelpful.

And then there is a category of Foolish Phrases that are responses, but in fact are just dismissals.  One of the most common phrases is “calm down.”  Has anyone ever felt better when someone tells them to “calm down”?  It almost always has the opposite effect, making the other person feel the need to prove that something is upsetting.  “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You’re overreacting” are both Foolish Phrase variations of calm down that are really ways of negatively judging another person’s experience.  And how many times have I heard, “You’re too sensitive” and felt a murderous rage?  We can’t know or be the judge of how a situation is experienced by someone.  Instead, try saying “tell me why that’s upsetting” or “what do you need right now?”  Join the person in a helpful way rather than shutting them down.

And finally, our lesson in Foolish Phrases can’t be complete without the mention of the “you always” and “you never” phrases. These expressions are exaggerations or overgeneralizations meant to emphasize a point, but usually lead to the other person feeling discounted and harshly judged, painted with an unforgiving brush.  Most often it’s not a good idea to bring up the past during a current conflict.  If you’re feeling a pattern emerge you’d like to address, wait until you are both calm and can see a bigger picture that’s more accurate and fair.

Foolish Phrases are so tempting, though!  They tend to be right on the tip of our tongue and come out of our lips with such satisfying intensity.  But that’s just the problem.  Foolish phrases are usually pure reactionary responses. They serve as protection when we feel attacked or feel shame or guilt at being called out for having done something that hurt a person we care about.  They tend to be deflective habits we’ve all gotten into.  So, as such, when you find yourself saying one of these phrases, use it as a flag to become aware of your defensiveness.  It’s never too late to back up and rephrase or acknowledge your reactivity.  Being curious about your response and being accountable is the wise thing to do.   Because only Fools keep doing what they know is foolish.

There are times in life when we have to make really hard decisions, ones we know will hurt others or disrupt their lives significantly.  These forks in the road are inevitable and are painful for everyone involved.  Ending a marriage, leaving a job, laying off people we work closely with are all possible realities in living an adult life. These are heart aching choices we have to make and then have to implement.  But how you handle it can, and does, really affect how these painful situations will work out and how people will feel about them, and their lives, far into the future. 

Watching the events of the last few weeks, where our President made the decision to go to war, probably the most difficult decisions an official would have to make, has been a real lesson in hard decision leadership.  Whether you agree or disagree that the war with Iran was a correct decision, how he has implemented it has prompted an important conversation about the responsibilities that should come when we make tough choices that will greatly affect others. 

The first and most important way to implement hard change is by taking responsibility in the ways you can.  When you blame others, deflect from what’s real, and minimize the impact, this leads to distrust and a strong feeling of disrespect that lingers long after the particular event.  And the first step in taking responsibility is owning the decision within yourself.  Ambivalence is really normal when faced with hard decisions, but if we continue to deny our decision by see-sawing back and forth, we create chaos.  Others can’t move forward if we’re not clear about where we stand.  Even if that’s by sharing your uncertainty and being open about what you can be open about, this a way to empower other people.  To the extent that you can include them in the process and ask for input creates trust.

In taking responsibility, we need to anticipate the outcome of our decisions and the potential consequences.  We owe it to the people we lead and/or care about to demonstrate that we’ve treated their dedication to us with care.  I can’t tell you how many people I work with who, in avoiding a hard truth, act out in impulsive behavior.  If a woman is afraid to tell her husband she isn’t happy in their marriage and has an affair, the whole family will be hurt in the long run.  Being a parent, partner, boss, or friend all has its responsibilities.  We are connected through giving our trust and putting our faith in other people.  While we can’t always please them, we have a responsibility to consider their feelings and how our actions will land for them.  I firmly believe the more power we hold over someone, the more responsibility we have in making sure we use this power in a careful way that allows them to maintain their dignity and sense of trust in others , even when life gets challenging

Showing empathy is another way to handle difficult decisions in a responsible way.  Anticipating how someone will feel hurt or disappointed is important in showing that you’ve put yourself in their shoes and are understanding of their reaction, even if you may disagree on the decision itself.  By demonstrating this empathy, you hold a space for their perspective and acknowledge their reality.  When we become defensive or dismissive to protect ourselves from feeling the pain, shame, or discomfort of our decision, we take away the person’s chance to process and be validated in their fears or concerns. By using empathy we can also inform our choices in seeing the bigger picture, beyond how it may impact us.  Taking a dream job for us may not be so dreamy for the rest of our family if it means we’ll be gone a lot of the time. 

If you’ve ever been under the authority of someone you feel is only looking out for themselves, it’s scary!  The atmosphere becomes one of competition, paranoia, and distrust.  As a way to cope, people splinter into factions, withdraw, and act out in ways they feel will best protect themselves.  Cooperation goes out the door and secrecy becomes the norm.  Fear overtakes decision making and no one can put in their best effort.  It creates helplessness and hopelessness when we have to live with the consequences of choices we don’t trust were made with honorable interests at heart.

As a parent, there have been plenty of times I was unpopular with my daughters because I disagreed with them, told them no, or made them do things they didn’t want to do.  As a boss, I’ve had to adhere to rules or budget cuts I didn’t like or even agree with.  We all have to set boundaries and live within circumstances that are difficult.  But because of respect, empathy, and a sense of trust, our children, our employees, our fellow citizens forge ahead with us.  We weather a storm together and learn from the process.

Being elected to office means public service.  Making decisions with the lives of others at stake is a great responsibility. We, the people, put our faith in leaders to make decisions with care and consideration.  We can’t always agree with the decisions they make, but we can always expect and demand that these decisions be made with forethought, planning, and with empathy. And not with ego and wishful grandiose thinking.