At this time of year our schedules get crazy, our finances get stretched, and, if you’re like me, your diet is full of delicious but sugary treats (thanks for the toffee, Janet!)  Like a volcano, the pressure builds and builds until we erupt.  Unfortunately, when we do blow, our expressed frustration tends to be directed not at the people who deserve it the most, but at the people we feel safest with.  So as we gather for extended family celebrations and holiday work parties, I thought today might be a good reminder of the dangers of displaced anger and how to prevent ourselves from doing and saying things we’ll later regret.  

Sometimes we lash out at people close to us simply because they’re literally close to us.  They’re convenient targets at the checkout stand or near the kitchen sink.  Ever have your partner lash out at you as they walk through the door?  They needed someone to rant to and – there you were.  But proximity is not the only factor, as they were standing near their boss only moments before.  The fact is, sometimes we lash out at people because they love us enough to put up with it or because they are in a more vulnerable position, such as being a child, a service worker, or even a pet, and feel they have to put up with us.  Our behaviors at that point are driven more by opportunity than morality.  

Displaced anger most often stems from underlying stress, insecurity, or unresolved conflict.  Sometimes people lash out without even realizing they’re doing so, as anger can be a powerful emotion that comes on quickly.  But so often the person who strikes out feels a relief from the discharge of anger, but now transfers their distress to the other person.  Patterns of displaced anger can really damage relationships and erode trust between people.

The good news is that intentional awareness is a really helpful tool with the problem of displaced anger.  By recognizing our feelings and the need to express them, we can take ownership and find ways to express our anger in non-destructive ways.  Often the people we care about are happy to hear about what we’re angry about, they just don’t want to be the scapegoat for our anger.  It’s a very different experience to have someone share about their anger than be the recipient of it.  In the first situation we can join in and be on their side.  In the other, we’re put in the place of being on the opposite side and are set up for a conflict we didn’t ask for.

It’s also important to know when you’re not able to control yourself.  If breathing or counting to ten isn’t going to do the trick, it might be best to do some physical activity or take a time out before you talk to someone.  In fact, sometimes an angry outburst can be a way of creating distance.  What we really needed was some space, but to get it, we acted out rather than took responsibility for ourselves.  Often anger stems from feelings of being hurt, helpless, or in a situation we can’t control or where we feel vulnerable.  We lash out at someone as a way of asserting and regaining our sense of power with someone with whom it feels safe to do so.  But we do this at someone else’s expense and ultimately, at our own expense, because we become a person we actually would prefer not to be. Ironically, shame is a common trigger for angry overreactions.  But it only feeds into guilty feelings and a sense that we’re bad or wrong.

It’s surprising to people I work with who have a tendency to displace their anger that I talk about the issue in terms of self care.  Because ultimately, it really is about caring for our own feelings by acknowledging what’s wrong and finding a healthy way to express it.  Taking responsibility for how we handle our anger makes us feel better about ourselves and allows people to feel close to us, even when we’re hurting.  And when we’re hurting is exactly the time we need it!  With the darkness of winter, the pressures that can come with holidays, and the heaviness of overindulging, it’s natural to feel out of sorts.  Just remember what Santa believes.  We all have the power within us to be naughty or nice.

Last year, when we were fortunate to have my nephews with us for Thanksgiving, I made up a little game.  I had slips of paper with ordinary items, such as “onion”, “pencil”, “baseball cap”, “bus”, or “deodorant” on it. The challenge was to pick a slip and talk about why you’re grateful for this item.  Completing one minute gave you one point, and two minutes was two points.  While the game gave us a lot of good laughs (thanks Eli and Leo), it also brought a bit of awareness to the wonder and beauty of even the simplest of things.  While we tend to give thanks to the big picture items, as of course we should, it’s sometimes worth acknowledging the things we often take for granted.  Cultivating gratitude is an important step to feeling happy, and today’s post will hopefully inspire you to the many varied types of gratitude we can be more aware of. 

There is a lot of research evidence over the past decade indicating that people who count their blessings are happier and less depressed.  Recently, studies looking at people who were already depressed or experiencing mental health issues also benefited from activities that were designed to bring emotions of gratitude. Research using MRI imaging shows lasting brain changes when people engage in gratitude practices.  As one researcher, Martin Seligman put it:   “Gratitude is all about recognizing the good things in your life.  It can have a powerful role in your health and well being.  The good news is that practicing gratitude isn’t difficult; just setting aside a few minutes each day to focus on the good things that happened and what you’re thankful for.”

Another researcher focused on gratitude, Joel Wong, made a list of questions to be used as prompts to help people in the practice of gratitude journaling. I found it interesting to see the range of different types of gratitude, some I had never thought about before. 

Micro Gratitude:  Refers to appreciating small everyday moments and details in life.  Examples may be a warm cup of coffee, a simple kind word from a stranger, or a pretty sunset.  Micro Gratitude is good for helping with mindfulness, being more present and aware of little joys in daily life.

Examples of Micro Gratitude Questions:

1. What went well this week? 

2. What are some simple, potentially mundane things that contribute to my wellbeing?

3. What are some good things in my life that I’ve taken for granted?

4. What are some things in my home that give me with a sense of comfort? 

5. What do I like about the chair or table that I’m currently using?

7. What do I like about my office/classroom? 

8. What do I like about the neighborhood I live in?

9. What is my favorite place in town?

Macro Gratitude:  Refers to appreciating the big life events and achievements or big picture items.  Some examples include graduation, getting married, or overcoming a big challenge.  Macro gratitude helps give us perspective about life and underscore our resilience and strengths.  

Examples of Macro Gratitude Questions:

1. [Think about the major events in your life] What am I most grateful for in these events? 

2. [Think about a turning point in your life] What am I most grateful for in this event? 

3. Who or what changed my life for the better?

4. What aspect of my past has prepared me well to handle my current or future challenges? 

5. What is something bad that could have happened but didn’t happen in my life? 

6. Which childhood event in my life contributed positively to my current life? 

7. Which event during my adolescence contributed positively to my current life?

8. Who has had the most positive influence on my life? 

9. In what ways is my life a gift? In what ways have I experienced grace (undeserved favor) from life, others, or a higher power?

Interpersonal Gratitude:  Refers to feelings of thankfulness or appreciation directed towards another person, specifically when they have performed an act or provided support highlighting gratitude within relationships.  This type of gratitude can strengthen bonds and develop a sense of community.  Examples include thanking a friend for listening to your problems, telling your partner how much you appreciate them, or acknowledging the support of a colleague on a project.

Examples of Interpersonal Gratitude Questions:

1. Which of my teachers/mentors contributed positively to my life?

2. Who puts a smile on my face?

3. Who makes me laugh? 

4. Who do I enjoy hanging out with?

5. Who appreciates me? 

6. Who makes me feel like I truly matter?

7. In what ways do my family members make my life easier?

8. In what ways have my family members made me a better person? 

9. In what ways were my parents positive role models? 

Redemptive Gratitude:  Refers to the act of finding positive aspects and lessons within a difficult or challenging experience essentially “redeeming” the situation by focusing on the good that can be gained, even amidst the hardship.  It’s about being thankful for the growth and transformation that can arise from adversity.  This may include looking for silver linings and gaining a long term perspective that helped build skills and abilities to get you through.  Examples include finding a new career path after losing a job, finding a new community after relocating, or developing better self care after a health crisis.

Examples of Redemptive Gratitude Questions: (thinking about a particularly stressful life experience)

1. In what ways is my life better now? What have I learned to appreciate as a result of this stressful experience? 

2. What challenges did I overcome? 

3. How have I grown as a person or what character strengths did I develop as a result of this stressful experience?

4. In what ways is my life more meaningful because of this stressful experience?

5. Who supported me during this stressful experience?

6. In what ways have I experienced physical, emotional and/or spiritual healing? 

Cultural Gratitude:  Refers to the practice of acknowledging and appreciating the contributions, values, and traditions of different cultures going beyond simply saying “thank you” by gaining a deeper understanding and respect for differing perspectives and practices within a community or society.  Essentially it means appreciating the unique aspects of a culture and its collective contributions and developing sensitivity to rituals, gestures, and customs of this community.  Cultural gratitude promotes tolerance, reduces prejudice or misunderstanding, and promotes inclusivity and a sense of belonging.  Culture” and “cultural group” is broadly defined as any group you belong to that has shared values, beliefs, practices, and traditions. Examples include taking the time to understand and appreciate the celebrations and symbols of a cultural practice, recognizing the historical contributions of different cultures in art, food, language or technology.  

Examples of Cultural Gratitude Questions:

1. What aspects of my culture am I proud of? 

2. What aspects of my culture has made me a better or stronger person?

3. In what ways have my culture been a source of strength for me? 

4. In what ways have my cultural group contributed to society? 

5. Who in my culture do I admire or is a role model? (This could be someone you personally know or a historical figure.) 

Gratitude Savoring:  refers to the practice of intentionally focusing on and appreciating positive experiences in the present moment, essentially the act of ‘savoring” (fully engaging with a positive experience) with a mindset of gratitude, where you actively acknowledge and appreciate good things in your life  by paying close attention. Examples include taking a walk in nature while noticing the smells, sights and sounds or fully appreciating a meal by taking slow bites and recognizing the ingredients and preparation efforts to create the meal.

Examples of Gratitude Savoring Questions:

1. What do I enjoy about the food/beverage I eat/drink? 

2. What do I appreciate about the view outside the window of my home/office? 

3. What do I enjoy about the physical surroundings near my home? 

4.What do I enjoy about the music I listen to? 

5. [Look at a photograph you recently took] What do I appreciate about the things or people in the photograph? 

I’m thinking right about now, that I’m really grateful for gratitude.  It’s no small thing that we have the capacity to take a step back from our experience and find the beauty in it. It’s a gift that we can give ourselves and share with others.  We can also develop a relationship in a spiritual sense when we cultivate gratitude.  How amazing to have such a powerful tool always at the ready and available. 

In fact, I think of that little game I played with my family pretty frequently.  Sometimes when I’m stressed or anxious, I simply look around me and begin to engage with my environment, looking for the positive.  If you wanted to, you could actually spend your entire day being amazed.  Eating breakfast – what a helpful thing a bowl is!  Driving to work – my car is an amazing technological feat!  The garden outside my office building has such greenery and it’s so nice to have staff who volunteer to take care of it.  Wow, my standing desk, isn’t that just a fantastic addition!  One can go on and on and on.  There is no lack of opportunity to be thankful for something, it just takes the intention to notice. And, wow, just how great is that! 

It’s often said that hope is the antidote to despair.  But how do we find hope in the midst of despair, when all feels lost and the sense that nothing will ever change looms over us?  I did some reading about hope and how to cultivate it.  Fortunately, what I found was…hopeful.  In fact,  hope is not just wishful thinking, but it’s a state of mind that can actually be learned and cultivated.

There are three main components to Snyder’s Hope Theory.  First is the goal, or object of a person’s ambition or desire.  Goals anchor our hope in a certain direction.  The second component are pathways, or a route that leads toward achieving the goal.  This also includes a plan for managing and overcoming obstacles that may get in our way.  The more pathways we have, the more attainable our  goal seems.  And the third component is agency.  This refers to whether a person thinks they can actually follow their pathway, in short, a belief that “I can do it.”

In Snyder’s model, cognition brings out emotion.  People who are able to generate realistic ways to reach their goals are more likely to feel optimistic, energetic, and maybe even excited.  On the other hand, if we can’t find a plausible way to reach a goal, we’ll feel pessimistic, gloomy, and frustrated.  Emotions, in Hope Theory, are what drive our motivation and problem solving abilities that help us push past what may be getting in the way.  You can see how this would create a feedback loop of “possibility moving toward success” or “frustration landing in helplessness”.  High hope people tend to have higher levels of overall well being.  They report feeling better physically, more resilient to setbacks, and more socially connected.  They also report a higher sense of purpose and meaning.  

Okay, I hope I’ve sold you on the benefits of hopefulness in order to motivate those who are despairing not to give up. Especially when things feel most dire, when we’ve experienced defeats that are truly beyond  our control, it’s so easy to lose hope, clouding our ability to see a path forward  or feel a sense of agency.  But Hope Theory suggests that despite our circumstances, through our struggle, we can find a way to move beyond the despair into productive action through intentional engagement with our mindset. 

Some strategies cited by Snyder may be of help.  Recommit to your goal.  It may require some adjustment to what the long term outcome may be, but setting sights on your priority will help to guide you.  In addition, it helps to have a shorter term objective that will be achievable before the long term goal.  It serves to keep  you on track and feeling positive.  Small actions can reignite our agency. As Brene Brown writes, she responds to despair by “micro-dosing hope.” Another strategy is to put an emphasis on your strengths.  What is it that works best for you?  What has led to success in the past?  This will help with your agency.  Another important strategy is to connect with others.  Finding support and camaraderie can make a big difference in maintaining resilience and creating positive emotions.  Maybe I can’t do it, but we can.  Putting like minds together can lead to the creation of pathways that may not have been available when we are on our own.

 When we face a big setback, it’s normal and healthy to experience feelings of fear or disappointment.  Trying to deny them or push them aside will only serve as a way of disenfranchising us from our ambition and energy.  It helps to remember that despair comes from experiencing the loss of something that matters to us.  Caring involves vulnerability, and so we need to be careful with our hearts when we embrace someone or something we believe in.  It’s important to honor the intention and the efforts we made, allowing ourselves to mourn the possibility we had hoped for.  But we cannot let it paralyze us or hold us back from embracing the desire for something better.  We need to stay in our humanity, even if it involves the risk of getting hurt.  Hope theory is a way to reactivate our intentions and commitments when we feel helpless.  It offers a roadmap to take control through an internal shift that is always available to us if we work at it.  

I hope this helps.

As therapists, we say “Name it to Tame it,” helping people put words to their fears and  pain in order to contain and cope with them.  But as I’m getting older, I’ve learned that in addition to “Name it to Tame It” we have to “Name it to Claim it!”  We need to put words to the beautiful – the things that we’re grateful for – with expressions of “I love you,” “I miss you” or “Thank you.” By naming the wonderful, we affirm our joy and fully embrace both the fulfillment and the hopeful pursuit of what and who matter to us most. 

I’m so lucky that I live in a house on a ridge top with a beautiful view overlooking our town, including a bird’s eye view of the lake I love to walk around.  When we first moved into our home, I woke every morning to the joy of that view. I soaked it in while drinking my coffee and was thrilled by the colors across the valley as the sun set.  I worried back then that I would grow accustomed to the view and take it for granted.  One of the great things that can come with age is more stability.  I’ve lived in this same house for 25 years.  I’ve been married to the same man for nearly 30.  I’ve had the same profession for 31 years with the same job for 10.  It would be easy to get used to the view.

But I’m also lucky that I’ve been in a profession that’s taught me the value of noticing, especially the good.  When people are hurting, isolated, depressed, or stressed, they can lose their ability to see the positive and the lovely.  I’m often, as I literally say, the “holder of hope” as they go through their darkness.  I spend time with them in intimate conversation and tease out the light and their strength overrun by the darkness and fear.  I’m always so touched by how a simple reflection of this beauty can bring someone to tears.  “You are working so hard to be a good father,” I might say, or “You’re giving so much to help your mother keep her dignity.”  These simple truths can be so powerful when spoken, affirming the grace of their intentions and the loving sacrifices behind their efforts.

Naming the wonderful should also include honoring our desires.  Often people are ashamed to express their loneliness or their longing for something better.  They measure themselves by  what they lack rather than what they dream of.  But the flip side of loneliness is a beautiful desire for connection.  Longing for a new profession, or home, or success is a garden bed for the seeds of change.  We cannot achieve our dreams until we allow ourselves to plant them.  

Stability can indeed be a great privilege, but it can also be a silent drain on our ability to appreciate things with freshness or to be faced with a risk or choice that helps us define our values.  I’m happy to report that I still look out our picture window multiple times a day and take in a deep breath of awe.  It’s easy to do, because it’s right in front of me and hard not to notice.  I only hope I can keep my eyes open for the other many beautiful things that I encounter on a daily basis.  Like the driving game of “punch buggy” (where you yell out “punch buggy” and hit someone on the arm when you see a Volkswagen beetle) you instantly see what you didn’t notice when you’re motivated to call it out.  Naming the wonderful is a great way of claiming what’s wonderful. Just don’t punch someone each time you do.

Last week I went to a book signing event to see the author Malcolm Gladwell be interviewed about his new book, Revenge of the Tipping Point.  I’ve always admired Gladwell because of his interest in understanding complex and counterintuitive relationships.  He, indeed, impressed me as an extremely curious person who delights in coming up with unusual questions.  But what really impressed me was his process for finding answers.  So if curiosity can kill the cat, dear kitty, Gladwell has some good advice for you.

Gladwell was asked, given his many pursuits, how he defines himself – a journalist, writer, podcaster, philosopher?  I loved his response.  He said, “mostly, I’m a listener.”  Gladwell went on to explain his process of spending a lot of time with the people he’s writing about.  He records long sessions of asking questions and listens carefully to his subjects’ responses.  He shared how over the years he’d learned the value of investing significant time in hearing people tell their own stories in order to find deeper truths.  Careful and prolonged listening was his way of gathering information from his sources rather than making assumptions.

This resonated with me as a person who is constantly a work in progress as an artful listener.  To do it well is an active process, yet we often do it so passively.  Consequentially, we jump to conclusions and fill in gaps of information with our own ideas and interpretations.  Our relationships are built on the stories we tell ourselves about one another.  We may be curious about someone, but unless we ask and really listen to them, we project our own experience as a substitute.  This most often leads to frustration, misunderstanding, and potential conflict.

Too often we let our anxiety and fear answer our questions. Why didn’t she return my call? She must not like me. He didn’t say hello to me, he must be mad at me. She keeps her phone in her purse so I don’t see who she’s texting, she must be cheating on me. In my work with people, we frequently spend time untangling what the story is they’ve created and what facts support or refute it.  Then we look at what might have prompted the story in the first place.  It usually comes from a desire to feel in control.  If we don’t know, we feel vulnerable.  If we think we know, then we have certainty. Certainty is usually more comfortable than ambiguity. Even to the point that assuming we were rejected or slighted is more comfortable than not knowing!

Sitting with uncertainty is difficult, yet, research shows that it’s a foundation of well being.  If we can tolerate the discomfort of uncertainty, we gain by being more careful, thoughtful, and intentional in our responses.  We give ourselves time and space to gather information and process it.  While it may be uncomfortable in the short term, taking the time to ask questions of ourselves and of others and actually listen to the responses helps us in the long run.

So, little kitty, looks like it’s ok to be curious, just protect yourself by listening to what’s really going on. And, funny thing.  I looked up the origin of “curiosity killed the cat.”  Turns out, that’s not the entire proverb! It actually reads “Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.”  In other words, asking a question may be risky, but finding the truth is worthwhile.

This time of year marks the Jewish New Year.  Unlike most cultures that eat great food and party all night, we Jews fast and feel guilty for everything we’ve done wrong the previous year.  But seriously, I do appreciate the idea of reflecting on the life we’re living and how we may have “missed the mark,” as it’s referred to.  New Year’s rituals provide an opportunity, in community, to own our mistakes, make amends, and commit to a better path.  To be honest, though, I sometimes get a little overwhelmed by negativity.  It’s painful and makes me feel helpless at how to move beyond actions I feel badly about but can’t undo  So when I came across Daniel Pink, author of The Power of Regret:  How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward, I found some helpful advice on how we might move out of painful guilt and into healthy change all year long.

Pink’s book is based on surveys of over 4,000 Americans about their relationship with the feeling of regret.  As we would imagine, most people experienced regret as painful, the intensity of which depended on the level of consequence of what is regretted.  For example, some regrets can be inconsequential overall, such as wishing we’d learned an instrument or not accepting an invitation that turned out to be a good experience for the people who did.  We may feel a sense of loss, but it’s relatively easy to move past.  The regrets that really hurt us are the ones when we wished we’d done something differently in circumstances that were morally or emotionally significant, like not making peace with someone before they died or saying hurtful things out of anger to someone we love.

The first tip offered by Pink is to view our pain as a source of growth and insight.  We can use our regret as information to learn from and it can clarify what is most important to us.  Regrets can serve as guides to future action if we can listen to what our feelings are telling us about our past action and the outcome of our choices.

But in doing so, Pink emphasizes we need to talk to ourselves with compassion and create understanding.  Speak to yourself as if you’re talking to a friend you love, offering support and guidance over judgment.  Sometimes sharing our regret with other people can help us gain perspective and decrease the isolation we have around our regret.  Once we share, we’re likely to hear that others have similar experiences.  Writing about them can also be a way to process our feelings and let them out, allowing ourselves to think it through and release it.  Writing to answer the questions “What did I learn from this situation,” or “How will I make a different choice in the future,” can solidify our growth mindset.

Another tip is to figure out if there’s still something you can do about it.  Often we’re so overwhelmed with guilt or negative feelings, we become paralyzed.  We avoid thinking about it and even avoid the people involved because of our shame.  It’s helpful to ask yourself if there’s a way to make amends or change your current course of action to be more in line with what you’ve identified as a mistake or error in living your values.  Taking action is a great tool in overcoming the helpless feelings that can accompany regret.

And finally, Pink offers the suggestion of using the term “at least” with your situation to reframe it and gain perspective about how it could’ve been worse.  By shifting from “if only I’d done more to help my brother with his illness,” we can reframe it to remind ourselves of the things we did do, such as “at least I called him regularly, even if I couldn’t visit him as often as I would’ve liked.”  When we’re pulled into regret, we often overlook balancing forces or intentions that we would readily recognize for others.  

Allowing ourselves to explore our regret is a way of coping with it and gaining insight.  The process is not about letting ourselves off the hook or making excuses, but to find a truthful understanding of what our feelings mean to us and how we can use them as a beacon rather than a weapon.  As I sit in the High Holy Days services, I do notice it’s nice to be among others who are also taking stock of their lives.  Somehow it reminds us that we’re all human and no one can live a life without errors or missteps.  And actually, the very nature of the holiday is the assumption of this common human frailty.  It’s nice to allow ourselves the opportunity to release these burdens and commit ourselves to a better path.  Otherwise, we’d regret it.

In my previous post I had a chance to honor the resilience of people to carry on through tough times.  Shortly after, I came across an article that got me thinking about the important role of other people in our lives who help us persist. The article described the role of Assistants who team up with Paralympic Competitors (The Quiet Collaboration Between Paralympic Athletes and Their Assistants, NY Times).  I was so touched by their joy in playing such a significant role in enabling someone else to compete and push themselves to their personal best.  It led me to think about our roles as friends, family members, and in community to be a guide or assistant to someone in a way that makes a difference both to them and just as much to us.

I had no idea, but in 22 Paralympic sports, athletes compete alongside a guide or assistant.  In some sports the role is very active such as riding in the front seat of a tandem bike or running alongside a blind person holding a tether (they are literally tied together). But in other sports, it can be as simple as tapping a swimmer on the shoulder in order to let them know they are at the pool wall. Long jumpers rely on a guide shouting or clapping when it’s time to jump and blind soccer players listen out for a sighted goalie to yell and give direction for what is going on in the field.  In triathlete, a disabled athlete will swim tethered to a guide that swims slightly ahead of them, then steers the tandem bike, and finishes once again, tethered during the run.  In all sports, there are strict rules about what and how the assistants may offer support and if violated, an athlete will be eliminated.

It struck me what a special person you need to be an athlete assistant.  Not only do you have to be a spectacular athlete yourself, you have to totally dedicate your performance to the competitor.  In reading about these athletes, I was so impressed by their goal of winning with their partner, enjoying the process of training and competing as a team rather than as an individual.  For example, Gabriel Garcia, an athlete who competed in the Olympics on the Brazilian men’s 4 X 100 relay team also competed as a guide for a sprinter Geber ds Santos in the Paralympics.  Of both experiences, he stated, “I actually prefer to be an athlete guide rather than an Olympic athlete,” stating he felt more pressure at the Paralympics.  “You have to give 200 percent of yourself not to cause any mistakes and to keep the other athlete at a high level.”

Skyler Espinoza was a cyclist in the U.S.A. Cycling Development program but missed the dynamics of being in a team sport.  She now pilots a tandem bike with a visually impaired athlete, Hannah Chadwick.  About the experience she states, “You don’t just train for yourself, but for the other person.”  Gregory Billington finished 27th at the Rio Olympic Games in triathlon.  He partnered with athlete Brad Snyder and has found great success.  Brad describes the intensity of their relationship, “We’ve been able to train together stride for stride, stroke for stroke.  We’ve really bonded as friends, teammates, and as competitors.”

It was only in 2012 at the London Olympics that assistants were also given medals when the team made the podium, which they now also share.  It recognizes the challenge of working as a duo in order to be successful.  The choice of guide involves not only finding a talented competitor, but one who can form a compatible working relationship with the athlete.  One sprinter, David Brown, described running with a guide as “like running a three legged race.”  As I guessed would be true, the word “trust” came up in many of the descriptions of the most important factor in a successful pair.   Visually impaired skier Menna Fitzpatrick pointed out that “if you don’t have trust in the guide then you won’t have the skill and speed.  They also have to trust that I’ll follow their instructions.”  Also consistent in the article was how these guide athletes disputed the notion that they were “sacrificing” on behalf of the disabled athlete.  The relationship between athlete and assistant extended far beyond a technical connection into something more personal and deeply reciprocal.

Which brings me back to what struck me about this article in the first place and how it connected to my thinking about getting through hard times.  I think of the athlete’s tether or the clap as a great metaphor for how someone else can help us through the darkness of grief or depression.  Our connection to others gives us a reason and a drive to move forward and live beyond what we think we are capable of.  Life’s many challenges are also opportunities for us to be a support to someone else and in return reap the reward of meaning and purpose.  Building and maintaining the trust of people who need us is a great honor.  There may not be a medal to wear around our necks or a podium to proudly stand on, but we certainly become winners nonetheless.

Last Monday, being Labor Day, is celebrated to honor American workers’ social and economic achievements.  But as anyone who has ever had a job knows, some days are better than others.  Some days we go to work full of enthusiasm and a determination to do our best.  But sometimes, when our dog just died, or after a rough custody hand-off, or when we’re filled with the fear of being laid off, just showing up is hard enough.  We still have to serve the customer, stock the shelf, or teach the class.  Everyday, whether we realize it or not, people around us are making heroic efforts to put aside their pain and do what they need to do, anyhow.  Through some periods of our life we need to be celebrated for our resilient capacity to put aside what is burdening us to get our job done.

My older daughter wisely says, “You just don’t know about people’s stories.”  She does a good job of giving people the benefit of the doubt when they might have been rude or unattentive.  This makes me think about my many clients who come to get support for their grief, their trauma, or their mental or physical illnesses.  They are so filled with emotion and pain and I get to provide them with a space and a time they can fall apart.  But I also know they have to put themselves back together to feed the kids, make the sale, and check on their mother.  I think about the energy it takes to stuff all of this mess back inside to show up for their jobs.  I am sure some of them are underperforming in regard to what is required or may be snapping at customers they find irritating.  But they are doing their best to perform.

One person eloquently told me, “Life doesn’t care if you have a broken heart.”  She held back her tears throughout her work day and then cried on her entire car ride home.  It takes a lot of energy to balance the processing of difficult emotions with taking care of our responsibilities and duties, especially when people count on us.  Perhaps these are the true Labor Days, when we need to give ourselves nurturing and compassion in order to keep on going.  We may need to take breaks frequently throughout our day, sometimes needing to get away from people and sometimes to connect.  We have to pace ourselves to keep up our momentum, balancing out our week ahead.  We have to identify when we have the most capacity, and let go a bit when we dip into our lows. And highly important, we need to schedule ourselves a big ‘ol reward for just making it through a day, a week, a meeting, or a meal.

“Lights, camera, bitch, smile / Even when you wanna die,” is a line from Taylor Swift’s song, “I Can Do It With a Broken Heart.”  Now there’s a woman who knows how to turn pain into power!  It’s not healthy or helpful to pretend your pain doesn’t exist. Our biggest challenge in order to move through our bad times is to open ourselves up to acceptance, love, and compassion. And we need to not only show this grace for ourselves, but remember to offer it to others.

I will never forget my Grandmother Rose sitting with my family as we watched a football game.  My brother was especially angry at how his team was performing (you guessed it, the NY Giants) and was exuding frustration and negativity.  With her sweet voice and heavy New York accent, she leaned over to him and said, “Dahling…don’t be so upset.  They’re doing the best they can.”

There are so  many different kinds of change.  There are the changes we want to happen and the changes we don’t.  There are the changes we predict and plan for, and the changes we don’t see coming.  There are the changes that seem to happen so slowly we can’t stand waiting for and the changes that hit us so suddenly like running into a wall.  But what I’ve been thinking about lately is not just the change, but the ripple effects of change.  They can often be more unpredictable and impactful than the change event itself.

According to the great and wise Wikipedia, a ripple effect happens when “an initial disturbance to a system propagates outward to disturb an increasingly larger portion of the system, like ripples expanding across the water when an object is dropped into it.”  In other words, a ripple effect is when one small change kicks off a chain reaction of events that you may not be able to foresee.  (A random example might be someone who adopts two adorable mini donkeys…then  needs a trailer to transport or evacuate them…and then a truck to pull the trailer…just for example.)

Ripple effects can be force multipliers. If I make a change in one area of my life, it will impact another area and can be additive.  I can step by step build up my confidence or my discipline, etc.  For example, if I take a class and learn a new skill, I can feel more confident and get a new job, then earn more money and improve my family’s well being.  Or, if I, as a member of a community, make a change, it can influence others to make a change and the effect size can magnify and grow exponentially.  This source of power is a key to what we see in political campaigning this time of year.  One person can inspire others to act, that inspires others to act, and so on.

And while ripple effects can be powerful sources for positive change, they can also be sources of stress.  Ripples are the after-effect changes, the unfolding stressors we have to live and cope with in an ongoing manner.  They are often unpredictable and can be isolating as they may go unnoticed, especially by others, compared to the big change itself.  For example, when we experience a profound loss, we lose the companionship and connection to the person who has died.  But months and years down the road we keep experiencing the ripple effects of the loss in a myriad of ways.  “My wife used to do the taxes,” one widow told me, or, “my son used to host Thanksgiving,” a bereaved mother shared. 

There’s no way to prevent ripple effects, but I’ve been thinking about this topic in terms of ways we can be more mindful of them.  One way involves when we’re planning for a change, we can be more conscious of thinking through the effects it will have on ourselves, on others, and on our organization or community.  Sometimes we underestimate our impact and minimize the disruption that happens when we make a change.  Part of healthy change is anticipating the effects on ourselves, the people, and the environment around us. We can think of it as a personal environmental impact report, of sorts.  Good planning can also help people adjust to our change and to make it go more smoothly and successfully.

Another way we can use a proactive approach to ripple effects is to be a sensitive support to others.  I often hear and have experienced myself that people tend to forget about your change.  Not due to any intention, but other people move on.  It might be nice to be on the lookout for ways that people may be affected in the long term by ripple effects.  For example, inviting someone to a holiday dinner after they go through a divorce or offering to give someone a ride if they are battling an illness.  Extrapolating the effect of a change for someone can help you anticipate how to be a good supporter, or for yourself, in how to prepare and ask for what you need.

In addition when change happens to a large community, it effects each of us in a different way. While we can assume some similarity, our ripple is specific to the unique landscape of our lives. The pandemic hit the entire world, but each country, state, city and family had their own challenges. It’s important to be mindful that other’s do not experience change in the same way. that we do.

And finally, being aware of ripple effects can help us recognize our potential as a rock thrower.  As Mother Theresa had said:  “I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples.”  We each have the ability to be a force for change in the smallest of ways.  Smiling at a stranger, asking someone if they’re ok, making a small donation, baking a meal, or saying you are sorry.  Generally speaking, you don’t have to do or post something that goes viral.  We are all influencers.

Just this past week I was totally inspired by words from a man I was working with that also made us both laugh.  He was going on about his worries about the action of someone he cared about and all the ways that he, himself, was at fault.  After listening for a bit, I asked how he knew their behavior was related to him.  He reflected for a bit, and then said with a smile, “Because…it’s all about me.”

Anxiety has a way of making us self absorbed.  Even if our obsessive thinking is about trying to please other people or do the right thing, our very process of spinning in our heads is very solitary.  We try to read other people’s minds and assume we know what they feel. Or we project, assuming they feel or think as we do or as we fear.  Of course it’s not possible, nor advisable, to be immune to other people’s opinions or actions.  It’s healthy and valued to care about what people think, especially the ones we love.  But there’ a difference between respecting what people think and assuming responsibility for it.  When we make it about us, we often act to reduce our own discomfort rather than acting to address what is actually happening with the other person.

I often laugh when I step back from my people pleasing tendencies to see how selfish I’m actually being.  I want to avoid conflict, I want the day to be pleasant, and most of all, I want people to like me.  I go out of my way to assume what other people need and want, and then assume I can deliver it.  If they aren’t happy, it’s because I did or didn’t do something.  In essence, I make it all about me.  And in doing so, I put pressure on the other person to show they’re happy or appreciative of what I’m doing.  They sense that I need them to be happy for my sake.  In fact, it may actually make it harder for them to express what they want or need, especially if they have to worry about hurting my feelings or feed into my anxiety about not being good enough. 

Self absorbed thinking can also work the other way around.  Rather than us being responsible for other people’s reactions, we instead assume others are intentionally responsible for ours. We blame them for how we feel.  I often remember my mother telling me I should put a sweater on because it made her cold to see me without one.  It seems funny, but we do this in bigger and more subtle ways all the time.  Often we make our preferences someone else’s problem.  For example, I get just a wee bit irritable when I’m hungry.  Not wanting to ruin my appetite or overeat, I would stress my husband out about coming home for dinner at the time I wanted to eat.  I’d get annoyed, and especially when he got home late, a wee bit snarky.  I’d accuse him of causing me to be hungry and blame my bad mood on him. Rightly, he finally called me out on it.  My preference and my reactions were not his problem.  While he would try to be home at our usual dinner time, if he was forced to be late, it was up to me to either choose to eat without him or eat a bit to even out my blood sugar.  I had to let go of the story I had built up in my head that he was disrespecting me and creating difficulty for me.  The truth was, the time he left work was not about me.

To be clear, being a considerate and generous person is wonderful and being assertive about our needs is important.  But people pleasing and obsessional thinking are different.  Giving is about the other person, while people pleasing is an attachment to someone else’s reaction in order to avoid our own discomfort. And blaming other people for our own discomfort is a way of avoiding the burden of responsibility for our reactions. Either way, personalizing reactions leads to blurred boundaries and unhealthy communication.  We can tie ourselves up in knots creating stories about what others do and why.   Stepping back to remind yourself that “it’s not all about me” is a great way to detangle ourselves.